Zero KPH?

On the corner of Bridge and Mary my speedometer stopped working yesterday - no speed indication, no odometer changes and no trip meter additions - nothing - but my rpm was working and after checking with a mechanic friend (whose advice was to follow the speed of the cars around!) So I continued on, picked up my mate and headed to the coast following another friend on our way to the Australian Outback Spectacular's new show.

It was an odd sensation...Driving along at 100(?) kph I felt like I was being towed by my mate's ute in front of us as I kept speed with them. On the way back (my friends stayed at the coast) I plugged in the "home" location into my gps phone and let that tell me my speed (probably more accurately then my speedometer before it broke!).

Tomorrow my car will hopefully be fixed - but it made me realise how odd it can feel when one of our reference points is missing. I didn't like the sensation of driving with acurate knowledge of my speed, other than to hope my friend and his girlfriend's ute was travelling the signed speed (especially when we passed a police radar). Sure, I had other reference points - but it wasn't the same.

The past week was crap - it felt just like driving along at 0kph, and unfortunately, also like my car I didn't correct when restarted in the morning.



[stop now should you wish to excape the cheesy ending]



This coming week though WILL be better... Like my car I have a mechanic to go to *cheese :D*

driving to nowhere and ending up somewhere

I got in my little car and drove this morning with no destination in mind, started on my favorite highway, turned down a few unknown roads end ended up in a glorious valley in the middle of nowhere... I just needed to get out, to reflect and to come to terms with a few things. More than that though, my heart's been quite focused on something lately and I needed to get some perspective. I needed to have peace that knew whatever happens, it's all going to be good, either way. To tell God that I do trust him, and to have him speak to my heart with no other voices going through my head.

So I got in the car and drove my car places it should not drive to... and through water and rocky roads that a wee little city car like mine should not go :) and it was good.

I parked in a National Park (note for the future though: tell someone before you get out of mobile range where in Australia you actually ended up, which direction you went and well.. the fact that you've gone!!) and, as I had no idea that I'd end up there, said "stuff safety" and proceeded to hike in my open toed dress sandles and shorts.

All the way along I just wanted to sit by water and reflect, so you can imagine how amazed I was when around the first corner I came by this view.

It looks prettier in real life. Breathcatchingly so.

I sat on a rock. Reflected. Prayed. Came to Peace... and then drove home in half the time :)

This week will be huge, but I'm so thankful for the opportunity I had today. I'm also thankful that whenever whatever happens, my perspective has shifted once more where it's supposed to be. Focus on the highest point and all the rest falls into place with clarity.

Like a shadow over the heart bad news cometh...

This afternoon I got some news that made me just want to go for a walk in the rain. . . which I did.

The birds still sung when the rain had stopped, my dog still wagged his tail and nothing fundementally has changed in my life. I still feel really sad though for my friend and her family. Sad is not the word. Gut-renched is more like it.

Thanksgiving.

I had a really, really sucky day today. As I type this I feel like curling in a ball and watching something that makes me laugh, or feel special, or even just cared for. Which is crazy – because I know I’m fun, I am special and more than that I’m cherished.

I’m just finding it hard to see the good things right now after a really hard day at work, and a few personal things cropping up too.

Ironically, tomorrow night I’m holding Thanksgiving. Big Turkey, heaps of people, the works.

I decided to have this because too often we forget to be thankful. We don’t stop. We don’t reflect. We don’ t just even pause to say thank you. And when we do we soon forget, just like I’ve done with the end of this week. There’ve been some fabulous points throughout this week, some great laughs with a friend, some happy moments of encouragement and being blessed in return, an incredible weekend and holiday before that – and yet, too soon in the business of the week and the suckiness of my day I’ve forgotten.

Pause, remember the good, be thankful = the resolution to a bad day.

Perspective

I've signed up to do a "Team Penning" course on the weekend, which, is probably not the best of ideas all round considering my need to further de-stress before school goes back. Especially as the trainer is one of Queensland's best riders...

By Sunday night I'll have been in the saddle four days straight.

Basically, I've been defeating myself in my mind before I even get there. I want to appear good. I want to win. I want to show I can handle myself. I want to be liked.

Interestingly though, I had a wake up call while praying about it. A wake up call which was obviously needed. Instead of the "I" focus, my perspective needs to change - simply - that God might be glorified in my actions, whether I make a fool of myself or not. It's how I react to what happens that counts. My example - my attitude - and my reflection of Jesus is what matters. Especially in a community which knows very little of him. Yes, have fun, yes be myself, yes feel free to joke and have a beer - but endevour to let God shine instead of have others think well of I.

The rest can learn to live with whatever happens... and soak in the bath afterwards!

a long time coming

Yes - it's been a while hasn't it. Instead of going into the "gap" though of time that has passed since I last entered anything on this blog - I wanted to take a moment and delight in God's grace, greatness and gentleness.

Grace:
God's "unmerited favour". I have just had the most amazing gift of a weekend - spending time with friends, being reminded of who I am in Christ and that it's better to wait patiently for something than settle for less. While being overwhelmed by the shops of Sydney (I know... who would have thought!) I am thankful that the prayer my friend prayed on Saturday night was answered - I, with unmerited favour, received yet another gift from God. And as I reflect, this is a common theme in my life.

In fact, as I type I'm reminded of this song by Sarah Groves

Morning by morning I wake up to find
The power and comfort of God’s hand in mine
Season by season I watch Him, amazed
In awe of the mystery of His perfect ways
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful to me.

I can’t remember a trial or a pain
He did not recycle to bring me gain
I can’t remember one single regret
In serving God only, and trusting His hand
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful to me.

This is my anthem, this is my song
The theme of the stories I’ve heard for so long
God has been faithful, He will be again
His loving compassion, it knows no end
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful, He’s always been faithful
He’s always been faithful to me.

Greatness:

³³Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable his judgments,
and his paths beyond tracing out!
³⁴"Who has known the mind of the Lord?
Or who has been his counselor?"
³⁵"Who has ever given to God,
that God should repay him?"
³⁶For from him and through him and to him are all things.
To him be the glory forever! Amen.

I'm very "quotey" tonight, but I feel these things bursting out of my skin, my heart, my SOUL in a way that they haven't for some time. Part of this is that I've had some time - the first "time" I've had in a while where I can just do what I want and not feel like I have to be in control all the time just to keep it together. The other part of this is that I've had another, a fresh should I say, revelation of God's greatness - that He is GOD and my life is in his hands. I can make choices, but my choices will be far from what God actually desires. As Bebo Norman puts it (I know... another quote but I've been really impacted by some great songs in the last few months)

I want a crumb, but you are a feast
I want a song, but you are a symphony
I want a star, but your a galaxy

And I have resolved that I'm much better off
In what you have for me
I'm begging you to hold on tight
Begging you to take my life from me

So tell me you won't let go
Tell me you won't let go
Cause you are the only hope for me
Take my life from me, It's the only hope for me
Take my life from me, It's the only hope for me
And I'll never want for more
I'll never want for more

Gentleness:
Some deep issues have been pricked recently, but before each one, God has been gently preparing me to hear His voice when it has come. The coming of his voice hasn't been easy at times, but I'm so grateful that though His grace he has gently prepared the way.

It's good to be back. I've been doing really well for a while now, but it's great to have the urge to download some of what is in my head.

A Very Good Day

I'm on holidays. It's a very good thing. But today, especially, was a great day.

2 things happened today which I want to share (I know I've been quite quiet lately - things to say but after looking at a computer every day I haven't been in the mood to write them out).

Firstly, after reading a book all morning, I took a long drive out to Maclagan. I've started doing things like this quite a bit - having a destination a few hours away in mind and just getting in the car and driving. I love it. I went out, visited a winery, bought a few wines and drove home.

Secondly, a friend is helping me buy a car (I've been very fortunate not to have to buy a car since coming home being able to borrow them from friends and family when they didn't need spare cars). When I went to buy a 6 pack to say thanks I found my Fullers Organic Honey Dew for sale at The Spotted Cow... if you've been reading this blog I have mentioned my desire to have this beer in Australia.. and I'm a very happy girl tonight.

Other catch up news:

• I've started attending a home group regularly which is really good - honest, down to earth, no "fake it till you make it" crap, be who you are and be real - it's refreshing and encouraging
• I started my first "from scratch" website yesterday and created a website for my mom which is under construction
• I'm heading away for 3 days to ride horses on the coast with my mates
• More photos have finally been updated on Flickr
  
• I'm doing really well.

The trees outside have just started to drop their Autumn leaves the past few days and walking through them tonight whilst walking Jake their melancholy presence matched my mood. It's been a long week.

I had a dinner party on Thursday night in which a conversation cropped up between three of us as to why one participant did not Believe. Simply, it was this: I like the morality of Christianity, the standards of servanthood and generosity are those that I aspire to. I reckon there is something higher out there than us humans, but if there is, and I live my life as good as I can, obey the ten commandments, I reckon it'll be good enough.

Walking in after my walk, pondering on this conversation, the falling leaves and the fact of a farewell party tonight for the said conversant which I won't be attending I heard the following song playing on my iTunes:

Oh the best I have to give is not enough for me to live, that's why I thank you, I thank you for the cross. Bleeding hands have paved the way, it's not enough for me to say, but I thank you, I thank you for the cross.

I pray for my friend, that some day he might know the love and reality of Jesus. The "remarkable, supernatural love" that Napoleon speaks of in the following quote (found within Jesus Among Other Gods page 149 on Google Books:

Yet, in an extraordinarily staggering statement about Jesus Christ, Napoleon said something that is almost unexcelled by any political leader. I quote it at length because of its incredible insight. ... Napoleon expressed these thoughts while he was exiled on the rock of St. Helena. There, the conqueror of civilized Europe had time to reflect on the measure of his accomplishments. He called Count Montholon to his side and asked him, "Can you tell me who Jesus Christ was?" The count declined to respond. Napoleon countered:

QUOTE

Well then, I will tell you. Alexander, Caesar, Charlemagne and I myself have founded great empires; but upon what did these creations of our genius depend? Upon force. Jesus alone founded His empire upon love, and to this very day millions will die for Him.... I think I understand something of human nature; and I tell you, all these were men, and I am a man: none else is like Him; Jesus Christ was more than man.... I have inspired multitudes with such an enthusiastic devotion that they would have died for me.... but to do this it was necessary that I should be visibly present with the electric influence of my looks, my words, of my voice. When I saw men and spoke to them, I lighted up the flame of self-devotion in their hearts.... Christ alone has succeeded in so raising the mind of man toward the unseen, that it becomes insensible to the barriers of time and space. Across a chasm of eighteen hundred years, Jesus Christ makes a demand which is beyond all others to satisfy; He asks for that which a philosopher may seek in vain at the hands of his friends, or a father of his children, or a bride of her spouse, or a man of his brother. He asks for the human heart; He will have it entirely to Himself. He demands it unconditionally; and forthwith His demand is granted. Wonderful! In defiance of time and space, the soul of man, with all its powers and faculties, becomes an annexation to the empire of Christ. All who sincerely believe in Him, experience that remarkable, supernatural love toward Him. This phenomenon is accountable; it is altogether beyond the scope of man's creative powers. Time, the great destroyer, is powerless to extinguish this sacred flame; time can neither exhaust its strength nor put a limit to its range. This is it, which strikes me most; I have often thought of it. This is which proves to me quite convincingly the Divinity of Jesus Christ.

funny that

After a morning of shopping in preparation for this afternoon's High Tea for 80 ladies I was feeling a bit flat. Turn on my iTunes and the first song "Hang On" the second, which I'm listening to now? "The Treasure of You". Just what I needed to hear...

Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice
That heartsick look in your eyes
You hide it very well, but I've got the same disguise
I know from all you see around you
You feel worth a very small price
So plain and ordinary, but there's a pearl inside

And if you look in the mirror in the light of the truth
You'll see there's really nothing you could say or do
To make you worth more to the One who made you

CHORUS
Your are a treasure
Worth more than anything under the sun or the moon
God's greatest treasure
Is the treasure of you

The rich man treasures gold and silver
The wise man, his knowledge of truth
Some will hold to memories and some will cling to youth
But the one who carved out the oceans
And painted the stars in the sky
You are His prized creation, the apple of His eye
There's no one else in the world who could take your place
Just the thought of you brings a smile to His face
God loves you with amazing grace

Last night at the pub someone correctly said my age of "late 20's" - no longer am I mid-20's, or even early 20's but late 20's, single, have spent way too much money lately and the house is a mess after hardly being at home in recent times (every night out for over a week)... and yet... God treasures little old single me. Funny that. But awfully nice.

Comparison

I was walking Jake (who is now wearing shoes to combat his grass allergy!) in the park last night when I caught up with a friend who is also a friend of each of my brothers. He made a comment that has got me pondering although I entirely agree with it. His comment was simple, to the effect of "your brothers are all great guys" - which is very true. Each in their own way is talented, humble, generous, handsome, creative, intelligent, interesting, funny... the list goes on and on... and on and on!

In fact, I hear a lot about my brothers. I love them dearly and couldn't ask for better siblings or friends. The truth is, they, and the comments I hear about them, make me want to be a better person.

Sometimes comparison isn't a bad thing.

Comparison can make you see why one item is better than another when shopping. Comparison can give you perspective (for example a relationship where the two people have differing world views compared to one where both people have the same fundamental belief system). Comparison can call you up to a higher standard. Comparison can bring encouragement.

I know that there's many times comparison can be exceedingly bad. I'm not talking about this, and certainly not encouraging the negative aspects of it.

The natural comparison that went off in my head last night wondering what people said to my brothers about me encouraged me to want to be a better person. Thanks guys :)

The current song in my head

Brother, let me be your servant.
Let me be as Christ to you.
Pray that I might have the grace
To let you be my servant, too.

We are pilgrims on a journey.
We are brothers on the road.
We are here to help each other
Walk the mile and bear the load.

I will hold the Christ-light for you
In the night time of your fear.
I will hold my hand out to you;
Speak the peace you long to hear.

I will weep when you are weeping.
When you laugh, I'll laugh with you.
I will share your joy and sorrow
Till we've seen this journey through.

When we sing to God in heaven,
We shall find such harmony
Born of all we've known together
Of Christ's love and agony.

Brother, let me be your servant.
Let me be as Christ to you.
Pray that I might have the grace
To let you be my servant, too.

Hypocritical

I've always been pretty set in my standards when it comes to certain things. Non-negotiable standards which "I" in years past would be shocked at "I" today and her questions.

Today, this weekend past, I find myself a hypocrite. I understand why people might let standards slip. I apologise for my judgmental superiority.

The thing is, tomorrow night I'm placing myself in a similar situation, just one that I won't enjoy nearly as much. Some girls from work are bringing some guys along to a regular Trivia Night for the specific purpose of introducing them to "some nice girls" - I being one of them. Mind you, it's my regular Trivia game that they who normally don't go are setting us up at.

Why do I have such an issue? The guys aren't Christians.

Why am I even more introspective about it than normal? Because I know a non-Christian who ticks all the boxes in my "ever could want" list, excepting his belief in Jesus Christ. Knowing him and getting to know him more has brought my awful hypocrisy to a gut wrenching screech. It's not that anything's happening ~ don't get me wrong ~ it's just the realisation that if anything were to start to happen I would have a fight on my hands with that one big un-ticked box.

Second rate but not second best

Today I bought a replacement camera. After over a year of considering a purchase today I went "Yup - I really do miss taking photos without wondering if my old one (5 years old and treated with less than loving care) would work as I wanted it to"... the interesting, and thus worth blogging about fact is this - instead of purchasing the $600+ model I was thinking of I bought one for $132.

Does it take photos? Yes
Is it the top of the line, just released, whiz bang camera that you can survive being crushed, submerged, dropped and treated like crap? No
Is it the best camera for me? Yes

It may be second (or fifth!) rate in the world of compact digital cameras, but is it second best? No.

I'm hoping to transition this thought into other areas of my life where media hype and consumerism states one thing but the worth is actually very different - as Tim Gunn says "The cost of an article is not the same as it's value"

... mind you - my other purchase this week was a dress reduced from $430 to $50 :)

Lessons of a dog #1: The fear of unconditional love

I own a dog, or perhaps it would be better to say that a dog is beginning to own me. By way of introduction his name is Jacob (Jake), and named this for the following reasons: as a definition Jacob is a play on the word "heel" and can also mean"he who follows, He's also a mommy's boy and has short hair as like the biblical character. He's a Hungarian Vizsla by breeding and the most gentle and beautiful animal anyone is likely to meet.

With that having been said, I'm a bit freaked out.

You see, he is so lovely. He obeys every word (unless of course he's distracted by his many admirers at the time of the request), and by some instinct knows what is right and how to be good. Never being allowed inside before he understands automatically the mat I've put by the lounge is his to stay on. He comes back from a run in the dog park with his doggy friends whenever asked, plays like a gentleman and above all is amazing with my little niece and nephew.

So why on earth am I freaked?

Because he is so loving and I have always struggled with being loved unless I am doing 110% to make it work. Because if it doesn't work out it will be my fault - he's perfect now - in a month's time if he's not it will be on my head. I couldn't return the love. I'm not responsible enough. I'm too selfish.

Mind you, he's only 10 months old.

I feel a bit messed up this evening after being strong all week - I've been undone by love and am just going to have to learn to go with the flow and ease into this change in lifestyle, instead of 110% earning and getting burnt out. He's going to love me anyway - and if I do stuff up, well, the guilt may just drive me to do better for him ;)

... for I am your servant

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.
-- Psalm 143:8

I have a daily verse sent to my email and in reading this verse tonight I read the whole of Psalm 143. Reading it this evening brought me great encouragement as it too was/is my cry.

In one of the versions (New American Standard see below) the Psalmist speaks in past tense and it's like he's moving into a new phase - this is what I identify with. He talks of what he has been through, how he has felt, his spirit being overwhelmed. This has been me. And yet, now, and I pray I don't speak ahead of time, I feel like I'm coming out of this dark period. My cry is for God's guidance in the way I should go... but before that and beyond that, my trust is in Him regardless.

I've had an encouragement within me all day, a sense of anticipation that while I've felt it for hourly periods has never lasted a whole day... like something really good is happening, even though I don't know what.

May what I have write be true... I feel I'm coming out of the trenches.

Psalm 143 (New American Standard Bible)

Prayer for Deliverance and Guidance.

¹Hear my prayer, O LORD,
Give ear to my supplications!
Answer me in Your faithfulness, in Your righteousness!
²And do not enter into judgment with Your servant,
For in Your sight no man living is righteous.
³For the enemy has persecuted my soul;
He has crushed my life to the ground;
He has made me dwell in dark places, like those who have long been dead.
⁴Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me;
My heart is appalled within me.
⁵I remember the days of old;
I meditate on all Your doings;
I muse on the work of Your hands.
⁶I stretch out my hands to You;
My soul longs for You, as a parched land. Selah.
⁷Answer me quickly, O LORD, my spirit fails;
Do not hide Your face from me,
Or I will become like those who go down to the pit.
⁸Let me hear Your lovingkindness in the morning;
For I trust in You;
Teach me the way in which I should walk;
For to You I lift up my soul.
⁹Deliver me, O LORD, from my enemies;
I take refuge in You.
¹⁰Teach me to do Your will,
For You are my God;
Let Your good Spirit lead me on level ground.
¹¹For the sake of Your name, O LORD, revive me
In Your righteousness bring my soul out of trouble.
¹²And in Your lovingkindness, cut off my enemies
And destroy all those who afflict my soul,
For I am Your servant.

Chaos Encompassed

When we're blindsided by something we're unprepared for, the chaos that ensues is encompassed

When we're all a flutter and not sure what's up and what's down, the chaos within is encompassed

When answers are begging and questions abound, the chaos resulting is encompassed

When we're unsure

When we're hurting

When we're excited

When we're anxious

When we're apprehensive

When we've got butterflys

When we're overwhelmed

When we're tired

When we don't know what someone else is thinking or feeling

When we're human... the mess, the chaos, WE......... are encompassed.

This necklace was a birthday gift from my parents and it reminds me of all the above. We are encompassed fully by God. He understands, He is our Rock and our help, He has the answers, he knows the future... and what does that mean to me? It means I can be myself. I can relax knowing at the end of the day, He's got it all covered.

There's so much more that I feel like writing, and that will come in the next day or two, but for now, wherever you are, be at peace knowing that God has it all encompassed.

Bedtime thoughts

I took a sleeping tablet an hour ago and as it hasn't kicked in yet I thought I'd get rid of some of the remaining adrenaline running through my system with some reflective thoughts on the past weeks and days.

I don't ever think I've worked as hard as I have, especially in the past 5 days. Running around organising things on ground level in 40+ degree heat for 3 days, liaising with schools from around Australia, Principals, Students, members of Parliament, Security Agents, constant questions from delegates, no time to eat a full meal etc. etc. Long hours, not sleeping that well and stressful situations with last minute changes involving huge transportation and venue logistics. It was massive. And I am thankful.

I'm thankful for a few reasons, and I'd love to outline just a few:

Yesterday, we had a schedule change to enable the Conference to attend the Motions of Condolence for the Victorian Bushfire Victims and Queensland Floods. This was, in many people's opinion, one of the most important moments in Australia's history for many years.

Parliamentarians from around Australia standing with Australians, stating we are hurting but we are proud and we are strong. We WILL help those in need. We WILL do what we can to support those who will struggle for many years to come.

I sat outside this session in Parliament House wishing I could be there to join in, to participate, to mourn and a thought came to me "You may not be able to be there yourself, but you've facilitated 275 people to be in an event that they will never forget. In times of tragedy, personal and corporate, they will look back and remember the strength and compassion of their nation from this day. It's ok you're not there yourself" Too right. Thank God it all came together. Thank God these students and teachers, some from Victoria who don't know what they're going back to at home were able to join with Leaders from around Australia, and hear the grief of a nation, and know that they are not alone.

I am thankful for the testimonies of students in how the Conference impacted and encouraged them.

I am thankful for dancing and having fun at the Bush Dance on Sunday night and the wonderful people that I danced with!

I am thankful for amazing speakers who have challenged me - although I wasn't able to listen to many sessions, I was impacted by their lives and want to live the fullness of my humanity.

I am thankful for personal compliments that I recieved - (who ever thought that the word "inflappable" would ever be said in reference to me!) the prayers of support and the strength given by friends.

I was thankful for God giving me a song to sing whenever I think of someone I met. No, there isn't any goss implied in that statement, just a hope and a conviction in the love of my God for whatever may come, with whomever.

I'm exhausted. I am thankful.

Good night.

I'm Back

After an amazing holiday I've been back at work and am now in a conference in Canberra that I've been preparing for a long time.

Life is really, really good and my holiday refreshed me in ways that I'd forgotten about. Considering that work is pretty much all encompassing at the moment I'm looking forward to a bit more down time after the conference to elaborate on some of these things.

I hope you're doing well, wherever you are, and whatever you're doing.

Holidays! - and contact note

Technically I finished work on Friday at 4:10pm , in reality I finished at 12:35pm today trying to tie up some loose ends. Thankfully though I don't have to think about work for the next 3 weeks as I'M ON HOLIDAY!

My first hours of holiday has been jam packed with all those little (and big) things that need to be done before one heads away. It's been great and I'm glad that most of them are now done

I'm stoked to be spending Christmas with Steve before he leaves to live in Canada ~ I'm also really looking forward to a week of no contact down on a remote lake... no internet, no mobile, no nothing... I wonder if I'll survive this technology dearth?

For those who know my mobile number, please be aware that I won't be answering this until 2009 - I'll be in New Zealand from Wednesday until early January and I don't have international roaming. If anything's urgent email me or leave a message on this blog, if you really need to phone email me and I'll try to ring you from Skype or someone else's phone.

Oh.. and if you're waiting on an email reply from me thanks for your patience... I currently I have 248 unread emails and hope to tackle some of that pile tomorrow.

A Pub and A Car - what more could a girl want?

I went to a country pub last night with some mates from work and their husbands - the kind of pub that as you wait in the parking lot for a car you recognise you see a bloke get out of the passenger seat of a holden commodore holding a stubby of VB in one hand and getting a kid out of the back seat with the other... The kind where you state your preference in beer and someone asks "what's a stella?" - thankfully Andrew (Michelle's husband) knew what I was after and was able to get me something similar ... It was a really fun night and I enjoyed letting my hair down with some mates who were courteous enough to walk me to my car and take note of the little things to not make me feel left out as the only single in a group of couples - to have a great night like I did in this situation really speaks loudly of the people I was with.

now... on to the car! I want to buy a car. Having the Magna whilst my parents have been out of the country has made me realise that I just can't go back to the old Camry... so I've been looking and reading and I think I know what I want :) I'm really enjoying driving and would rather like to continue the experience

While a Mini Cooper is fun (and possible - there's a very cute one at a dealership now)... I think I want a Subaru WRX (Ironically my brother just sold his :() all wheel drive, a wee bit of grunt, stunning as all get out and a whole lot of fun to drive. And what, with petrol under 90c a liter I think I may just do it when I get back from NZ! Why not have a wee bit of fun like this as my policeman friend (again, Michelle's husband) said to me last night at the pub - when you're young and don't have to have a certain type of car to suit your family life now's the time to do it.

It's all part of letting my hair down - and liking who God has made me
I'm really enjoying the freedom thing

They're just books... right?

Everything is permissible for me"—but not everything is beneficial.

Accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgment on disputable matters. One man's faith allows him to eat everything, but another man, whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables.

I've been AWOL for a while - stressed - pressured - needing release. Enjoying being by myself while I'm not at work - recovering, doing what I want, relishing in the joy of being happy to be alone and loving the freedom that is ours. (like going to Billy Joel and letting my hair down)

Last night and this morning though I realised the truth of the two scriptures above. I have a weakness in areas of my life that should not be fed or condoned, especially while stressed and tired. Two such weaknesses were fed a great deal with a series of 4 books that I picked up and read in less than a week - finishing at 11:50pm last night... I literally could not put them down.

In retrospect though... all things were not beneficial.

All "Danger Will Robinson, Danger!" signs went out the window as I relished in the story. As I lived the story.

For one, the books were written in the first person from a female's perspective, and they were first and foremost a romance - every kiss she had, every thought that went through her mind, every experience in her life, every desire and dream, every word that was spoken was as if experienced by me - I haven't read a book or books as the case may be that affected me like this - to the extent that after I turned the final page all night I couldn't sleep tossing and turning, reliving the events as if they had happened to me - reality was skewed - the voices in my head not my own but the characters that I'd heard while reading. I gave up at 3am took half a sleeping pill and phoned my folks in NZ only to wake up again at 5:30.. sigh... The book wasn't graphic - but hey.. let's be honest - we all have an imagination and mine ran far away from reality.

For two - The stories were great - I love a good action/romance and I really relished being able to read something a little more "angsty relationship wise" for the first time in well... a LONG time. They were however a wee bit dark being about vampires and the heroine desiring to become one as her relationship with her vampire boyfriend/fiance/husband progresses - there were parts that I identified with and perhaps the story was just too involving for me - too inviting.

For three - I have a dark side - while at school I was toyed with the idea of wicca and am attracted to the supernatural stories of Feist, Eddings, Jordan, Paolini, Rowling and while not so overt (but hugely loved) Tolkien & Lewis. There's a great fascination in these stories for me and I know to keep from reading them back to back as I tend to get lost in the story.

For four - I wanted to get lost - I wanted to forget - I wanted to forget about life for a while and be entertained

For five - well... I guess you get the picture by now.

You may also be wondering why on earth I'm writing this or being so personal about it - for goodness sakes it was just a book - PG in terms of graphic descriptions compared to what can be found out there - it's for teenagers! Yes - I am older than a teenager, but I also have weaknesses, fault lines, temptations that perhaps make this alright for a teenager to read but not me. More inviting than actually going out and getting in a relationship - why not just pretend - why not get lost in something that is fantasy, because it sure is a whole lot more fun then I've been. I'm a Christian, I love Jesus, but what if... what if I was in her place?

Why not? Because sometimes things just aren't that good for you. Yeah - you're just reading a book that's just a fairytale - but things like this can have teeth (excuse the pun) that can affect you more than you anticipated.

I'm writing this because I'm not alone. We all have weaknesses and we all have strengths - and we need to be honest with ourselves and each other as to what they are.

Sitting in Not for Sale Seats

Last night was un-freaking-believable!

One of my favorite musicians for a very long time has been Billy Joel - thanks to my brother, Andrew for introducing me to his songs at an early age, I became a fan firstly because he was and then because I actully really liked the music.

When I saw that Billy Joel would be in Brisbane I was so excited to go, and two of my friends from work wanted to get Gold seats so I joined in and paid the bit extra... how needless! As we were walking in the doors this guy approached us asking if we wanted front row seats (we were originally in the stands) thinking he was a scalper we politely said no until he convinced us he was with the crew and Billy apparently likes to save some seats right at the front for a little... how did he say it "eye candy"... While I've never thought of myself like that before, and I'm still not to sure about the morality of the whole thing far be it from me to turn down FRONT ROW SEATS!

Pictures coming soon - I forgot my camera so we're getting pictures from the other girls who were "chosen"...

some funny stories from the night?

• I realised how innocent I was and SO not a groupie when the girl two seats down from me had her breast exposed and Sam had to stop me from mentioning it to her!
• One of the guitarists was close to the girl in terms of dress sense considering what we could see of him :(
• I managed to keep my hands off Mr Joel... but I can't say the same for my friends!
• Best song of the night - We didn't start the fire - we were all up at the stage by that time (the signal was given that we could get up from our seats at River of Dreams) and had a hillarious time dancing away

Feeling very very brazen and not at all myself I sign off after my first every rock and roll concert with the following thoughts

1. I got one of the guitar picks from the evening which was really cool...
2. Considering we never would have got the seats if we'd been with any partners for once I relished in being single :D

overwhelmed, exhausted and mentally drained

don't expect anything out of me for at least until the end of the school term in a week's time

Jetlagged but thankful thoughts...

I said to my brother Jonno that I was shattered when speaking to him this afternoon and his comment was "why? you've only traveled 3,000km!" ... actually, it's over 8,000km in under 48 hours so I guess I have reason if this blog isn't exactly.. well... entirely making sense as much as I'd want it to.

I can't say how pleased I am that I made the trip this weekend to Auckland. My time with my Nan was incredibly special. A precious time where she shared stories of her childhood, my father growing up, and perhaps the most personally special... she remembered me. Nan had a really good day and I'm so thankful for that.

Other highlights of the trip were spending time with Steve, meeting all his friends (I was so vicariously popular! "Steve's sister! - Steve's sister is here!!!". I think some of the greatest things that can happen when you meet friends of someone that means so much to you is a) they are warm and welcoming b) you have fun with them too c) you think that they're great people and are stoked that they have such great friends and d) they can't say enough good things about that person!

Spending time with Brenda and David was great too and I'm looking forward to spending more when I get there in Christmas.

It was great too seeing mom and dad, and being picked up at the airport by Mom in Brenda's Z3 BMW :) - I do want one of those!

Looking forward to Christmas in NZ...

There's so much more that I wanted to write in this, but I think that will come when I'm less exhausted.

Flying away... litterally!

My favourite character ever penned was that of a hobbit, and at the moment I feel very hobbitish… As Gandalf says, "You can learn all that there is to know about [hobbits’] ways in a month, and yet after a hundred years they can still surprise you at a pinch" – read in context that sentence describes me at this point.

I’m having one of those surprise you at a pinch moments… you see… I’m sitting in the Airport Lounge about to get on a plane to NZ after a call this morning (before my first cup of tea no less!) to say that the family in NZ had been told to “prepare” the relatives for my Nan passing away.

My Nan (who is the only one that calls me Beth) has been asking every time we talk “when are you coming to see me”, and I’ve never been able to make it – or never thought I could, so I planned to be there for Christmas. Now, knowing that there may not be too many days left, I’ve realised how easy it is just to pick up and be somewhere if you feel you need to be.

I’m incredibly blessed by my boss who released me to leave work early and encouraged me to “get on the next available flight” instead of leaving tomorrow.

No idea what lies ahead (hopefully a safe landing!) but I know that making this effort is right. In any case, I get to see my brother before Christmas and I've also got a party lined up for tomorrow night with his mates - Thanks Steve :)

Blogging by Mail Mystery: Solved :)

I got a very odd package from Hawaii today... funny thing is, I don't know anyone in Hawaii and my Blogging by Mail person is from Minnesota... no note inside... just three scrabble pendants and a necklace! nothing else :-O

Have just solved the mystery though thanks the the comment left on my last blog! THANK YOU Ms. Satsuki Rebel for your lovely gifts and I'm SO sorry that the items you bought got rejected by our Customs over here!

... and yes, slightly behind on the blogging... suffice it to say: Busy.

Thread Counts and Convicting Coffee Club Chats

I had a very interesting afternoon following work today.

To begin with I was late to meet up with a friend who works as a PA within another school here in town. Our schools have often had what can be termed a "friendly" rivalry. It's great to beat them in things, and because we are focused at a similar target audience it can be a bit competitive. This afternoon though I was really convicted by the fact that both our schools exist to glorify God in and through our students. We should be helping each other. We should be encouraging each other. Rejoicing in each others successes and supporting through the trials.

A thought to consider and act upon.

I then went grocery shopping and got sidetracked (note to self: in future buy groceries afterwards or at least don't by heavy items if any possibility of being distracted on way to car) by a sale at a linen store. I have needed a new quilt set for a very long time - I either choose my pre-twenties days sets (including quilt that is horridly moulting feathers) or just sheets (which leads to the unfortunate current circumstance of adding sleeping bags when I get cold. Anyway, I finally found a set that I really liked and then went to another shop (Myer) for an even more fabulous sale where I got the quilt cover and two funky pillows of the same set all for less than the price of the original quilt price (gotta love 50% off)... it's white with texture in the shape of leaves - sounds odd but simply elegant and stunning... best thing is that I'll be able to decorate it nicely with throws etc.. anyway all of this to say:

Single people are deprived!

I've always been of the opinion that while you're single you should stick to a single bed because then you don't get used to the space of a bigger bed that you don't have to share and get a rude shock when you do share it! unless of course you just go with a double and then when married move up to a king :)

AGAIN I WANDER... single people are deprived because luxury thread count sheets don't come in single bed sizes :(

Top Show

I've become a fan of Top Gear Australia and nearly fell off my chair laughing during the current episode where they took a tractor in to the heart of Melbourne to show SUVs how it felt to be smaller and more manageable than some beefy vehicle that you feel like screaming at.. what made it hilarious was when parallel parking they crushed a Saab behind it... classic viewing.

If you live in Aussie land I highly encourage your viewing, even if you're not a motor head (I certainly am not).

A Satisfying Weekend

This weekend I have dug up a tree, killed numerous bugs, saved some worms from being eaten by fish and may have planted some herbs only to die...

That's right - I've planted a herb garden

I have no idea though after doing so how on earth vegetarians can have clear consciouses - the amount of bugs that die in creating those gardens. I feel like a murder knowing that my spade work killed many such bugs as shown.

After planning a herb garden for years it is very satisfying to have completed this endeavor, however scared I am that I'll soon kill off this weekend's hard work.

Lucky Timing

Due to a mistake on behalf of lastminute.com.au I haven't been able to use my credit/debit account since Saturday evening. To cut a long story short they billed me twice for my tickets to NZ and I'm $1400 out of pocket until it can be reversed tomorrow...

I was craving a green chicken curry this evening and realised that I had no rice! (something unheard of in my house) Considering I'd spent all my loose change on other incidentals I was going to have to forgo my dinner dish for something less dishy... until I remembered! I hadn't cashed in a $7 instant win :)

So up I walked to the store and purchased not only some rice, but some milk with coins to spare!

The smell of dinner cooking is delightful and whilst I've been horribly inconvenienced, making do and pinching pennies (when I know the situation isn't long term) has been an adventure which I've rather enjoyed.

She was right

My best friend said just last week that she always knew when something quite specific happened because I'd be down afterwards... I laughed at the time thinking "that's not true!"... but it is.

This specific something happened this past weekend and again I'm doing the whole cognitive therapy again... picking myself up and challenging those thoughts that come to mind. constantly.

Miss Morissette speaks so much truth, encapsulating my current emotions not only in Simple Together but here in the lyrics to You Learn:

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn

I pray I'm learning.

Departed church in the middle of the service. Overwhelmed by the amount of people. I like home.

A day to myself

I have had the most fabulous day.

After driving mom to the airport I took the train into the city. The train journey was great - kind of summed up everything that Brisbane is for me in one journey. Brisbane isn't the hustle and bustle of Sydney. It's not the cafe and concert culture of Melbourne (nor is it as cold). Brisbane is happy to be and stay what it is - it speaks out what it is wherever you are - like on the train - "come, stay with me - I choose to be slow - I don't do the high speed rail thing, I'm summer days and river walks, yes I've got the high rise buildings and the city suits but I'm so much more.. come... you'll love me - and if you don't I don't care"

That's what Brisbane says and I love it.

My train journey was serenaded by the dulcet tones of the guy's iPod Nano next to me belting out Jazz tunes that were distorting due to playing so loud and seen through the eyes of two German backpackers who were exclaiming at the sights in a language I did not understand but could comprehend.

The rest of my day was spent shopping and treating myself to some fabulous shoes and designer tops that make me feel pretty.

I've just finished a phone date with Lou (a wonderful girlfriend from Hong Kong living on the Coast) and am going to heat up my leftovers from last night and pop open a beer!

A guy asking for donations on the street in Brisbane wished me the following today after I said hello to him "I hope the rest of your weekend makes your working week worthwhile" - I reckon that's happened.

Running on instinct

I don't believe the sun comes up at this hour! I'm about to take mom to the airport in Brisbane and have the day in the big city.

My nephew came around last night and I guess I just need to get the following thought out. When I was young I had a lot of schools due to my parent's travel as missionaries. My nephew is now in Grade 4 and he's had 6 different schools because of relationship changes that have affected his life (his dad, my brother, and his mum got divorced before he started school)... I wonder how many other kids have gone through this trauma.

an early morning thought that I'm left wondering as we drive away.

(: woops :)

I was due for a bit of an embarrassing moment. Not that I don't have a couple of these each day, however, most of them I just laugh off and forget about - this one - well, let's just say it's gone public!

I just booked my flight to NZ online and forgot to change one little tab - the Miss is not there - the Miss is missing - the miss has been replaced with a ... mistake :)

If I believed in Karma I think this would be payback from having way too much fun beating my niece and nephew at mini golf last week!

Green Eyes

Warning: Personal blog
Sharing due to my blog's quest to be honest
Even if it makes me look bad

I wouldn't classify myself as the jealous type. I hate it when I am because I should be happy for someone rather than being envious. I would rather be content in whatever my own circumstance.

Today I've been struggling with a green eyed jealousy that simply isn't nice - worse - it's due to a situation that I should be rejoicing over. The event is sweeter because of the struggle that the people have been through.

What's more, I wonder how far I've come and if I've grown at all since I wrote the blog Blessed Be Your Name. It's been six months since I wrote that blog and today the couple I wrote of announced their engagement. Hence the struggle with envy.

Really though it's not envy of the situation, but rather envy of them - that they were able to work it out - that they were mature enough to have come this far - that they don't have to go through the whole "finding someone" ever again.

You see, today has been preceded by a week of realising again how many mistakes I made, how wrong I was so many times, thinking of what I could have done to make things work before it all fell apart and knowing that there was a lot I should have done but wasn't mature enough to.

Yes, I am jealous. But even more than that, I'm sorry.

"Dream"

I bought a painting tonight entitled "Dream" - it's an acrylic done on two vinyl records. Black and white tree and girl holding a brown mixed media lace umbrella... simple yet effective.

Aside from the style of the piece I really enjoyed what the artist had to say about the work:

"This painting was inspired by a song that I heard earlier this year. The lines that caught my attention were, 'I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me... I had a dream that I could fly from the highest tree. I had a dream.'"

While I've never heard of this song before, I've just googled it and discovered that it too is entitled "Dream" and is by Priscilla Ahn. The full lyrics are below, listening and reading them I'm really pleased that not only do I identify with the picture I also identify with the song it's based upon. (well, maybe not the third verse but I hope to one day!)

I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest swing.
I had a dream.

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest tree.
I had a dream.

Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave.
I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing.

I had a dream

Ironically, reading her bio she's also from Pennsylvania... that's two times today. God only knows for I certainly do not... But I have just become am a fan of Miss Ahn so that's all that matters tonight!

The Theology of the Body

I started today a CD series on Pope John Paul II's Theology of the Body.

It's deep. It's confronting. It's looking at where you've stuffed up in the past, and what your current issues are with new eyes... but in that place of falling short, not being condemned, but being renewed (or that's the plan at least).

Mind you, I've only just finished the first CD... and in honesty, while the rewards seem great, there is still a massive journey to undergo. I've made some rather large stuff ups in the reams of what this Theology is about, at times I've lusted instead of loved (although I can honestly say that I did love too).

Ironically, I just found out that the speaker on this series, Christopher West, hails and teaches out of his base in Lancaster, PA. God only knows why I keep on hearing or reading about that city and state a couple of times a week from different sources, God only knows.

... what also sucks is looking on the site and finding the CD set I paid $80 for is free to download!... or part thereof at least - the download seems tailored at Protestants instead of Catholics whereas mine is from a Catholic retreat. I guess some of the phrasing would be different but it's not, and shouldn't be taught as a singular Catholic theology, as Mr West says - it's universal.

Facing the Facts, but thankful for them

I went to have a look at "My" house this afternoon. Before that though I had a visit to my Mortgage Broker and thankfully heard that my Credit Rating was perfect (this was the horrid feeling I encountered yesterday after my Nanna Nap - I had no idea what it was, and had never before actually cared).

The sad thing about my visit to my Broker was that my borrowing capacity is a bit less than I thought = which means that the house I went to visit is a few grand outside of my budget. sigh. While online agents will loan the amount I need, I've also decided I just don't want to loan that much.

At the end of the day though, as I reflect, I'm not too downhearted. In fact, I'm thankful. I'm thankful that my goals are now clearer. I'm thankful that a friend has already said she'd live with me should I buy a place (which would help any mortgage) and I'm thankful that I know about my credit rating.

Yes, I still like the house more than any I've seen, but that's ok too... whatever will be will be, and neither my money, nor my days are my own.

I have no idea

I woke from my Sunday "nanna nap" with a horrid feeling.

So, I've requested a report on what I need to know, and now wait 1 business day to find out the results. I hate waiting, but at least I've done something proactive to find out the answer.

Great news too - my niece and nephew are coming up this evening to stay - YEAH!! I'm going to be Aunty Liz for a few days :)

Adrenaline Rush & A House

It's been a bit since I last blogged and I'm slowly starting to feel more like myself after the flu... have been really quite down and I was seriously thinking of going back to my Dr and getting back on those happy pills.. thankfully there's no need though and the flu is all that was to blame.

I've just gotten home from Journey to the Centre of the Earth at the cinema. I'm very glad for two things

1. That I went alone (for anyone that's ever sat through a scary movie with me you'll know why!)
2. That I didn't go and see the 3D edition down in Brisbane

As it was in 2D I provided a few laughs for people around me with my squirms and one time big scream (*blush*)... it was worth it though and I'm now sitting on a very nice adrenaline rush - yes, the movie was P.G. , which is perhaps one of the reasons why I'd never watch a horror flick.

To pick up on the other point in the title - I'm looking at a house that I really like on Monday to perhaps purchase. I spoke to the agent today and went around just to look at it before I go through the property with him. A neighbor was outside watering her garden and we had a great chat for about 15 minutes about the street and the house and I feel really nice about it.. we shall see though. It's at the top of my price range and I'd like to get it for cheaper.

Food, Flowers and Festival

Tonight, at great surprise to myself, I decided to take up a friend's invitation and head out to the Flower, Food and Wine Festival which is being held as part of our Carnival of Flowers. I got there early, milled around looking at the stalls and had a really fun night (Johnny Diesel was the lead act, and I must admit I only knew 3 of the songs from this 1980's hit artist!).

I'm writing about the event though for one reason - it was an answer to prayer. Not the whole night, although it was a good thing to get me out and socializing with some great friends, but specifically one conversation.

I had a great conversation with someone who I've chatted to a few times before. Each time I'm able to talk about philosophical and theological things that not many other people really discuss (not in my "circle" anyway). Each time I've really enjoy connecting with the other person. What was so good though, and very enjoyable, AND an answer to prayer was this: I've been asking God to give me something to have conviction about. I'm so tossed by this thing that's happening, or that thing... but I don't have a "passion" or cause... or vocation. Something that energizes beyond the laziness.

I want my life to mean something.

Tonight's discussion about C.S. Lewis and The Theology of the Body and Henri Nouwen was refreshing for the one reason that it reminded me what I love about thinking... pure and simple... and more so, what I love about God and the way he has made us to think, and experience, and love, and BE.

The dream of being chased last night reversed on me... instead of being pursued by someone and that feeling that you can't get away remaining when I woke, I was the one chasing someone. I was looking for them, asking friends if they knew where they were - I was directed to one room where they were, opened the door only for them to dissapear in a "poof" of magical dust swirling around, echoing with laughter around me... forever out of my reach.

My efforts to understand

I tackle a topic tonight which I understand is complex.

I won't be able to comprehend all that I'm reading, I won't be able to understand the ramifications of all that I say... but I do want to start somewhere.

Today the largest trial in Australia's history on "Terrorism" was concluded. According to the Sydney Melbourne Herald:

Benbrika and five of his followers were found guilty in Australia's biggest terrorism trial. Four more men were acquitted and a decision on the final two accused is expected in the Melbourne court today.

Over seven months the jury heard evidence on 27 charges from more than 50 witnesses. The Crown's case included 482 covertly recorded conversations.

They heard allegations that Benbrika had plotted to carry out terrorist attacks on the 2005 AFL grand final and the 2006 NAB Cup, and on Melbourne's Crown Casino on the Grand Prix weekend in 2006.

I can't comprehend why people would be willing to do this. According to CNN:

He [Benbrika] allegedly told them [his followers] that at an attack needed to kill at least 1,000 people to achieve this aim, and that it was permissible to kill women, children and the elderly.

Yet, according to the "Rules of Jihad" listed on the BBC, a jihad (where defined as a Muslim Holy War) must follow very strict rules in order to be legitimate, many of which were not planned to be followed:

• The opponent must always have started the fighting.
• It must not be fought to gain territory.
• It must be launched by a religious leader.
• It must be fought to bring about good - something that Allah will approve of.
• Every other way of solving the problem must be tried before resorting to war.
• Innocent people should not be killed.
• Women, children, or old people should not be killed or hurt.
• Women must not be raped.
• Enemies must be treated with justice.
• Wounded enemy soldiers must be treated in exactly the same way as one's own soldiers.
• The war must stop as soon as the enemy asks for peace.
• Property must not be damaged.
• Poisoning wells is forbidden. The modern analogy would be chemical or biological warfare.

So - what we have here is not some Holy War... it's people using a term for their own means, to justify, to gain support, to condone.

What kind of world do we live in where people can twist the very essence of what something is to turn it to their own means? How have we become so complacent that we do this to ourselves?

Yet, we do it all the time. I do it.

marriage - where "until death do we part" becomes "until it's just not working for me"
purchase by credit - where we buy something with money we don't have
church - I'm not even going to start on this one

I could go on... and on... and on... not even covering words that we take for granted and use without thought - like, love, gay, awesome, fantastic

I'm horrified (defined as "stricken with horror") about what is happening in terms of people calling "Jihad" and doing so against their own religion (especially considering the devastation that their actions could cause to so many). But what about our own hypocrisies? I want to use words for what they are - to mean what they should - to define what they are intended to define.

Where does it all end? I'm not sure I want to think about that tonight - i do believe in our own lives that God's ends justify his means... but we're not God - our means should never be justified by what we foresee to be the conclusion - we have no idea what those might be.

Blessed

I was immensely blessed this evening by two incredibly generous and loving friends who came over and cooked me dinner. Kirstie mentioned that she had put a corned-beef on to cook before work, and when I was tentative about venturing out this evening to eat it suggested that she and her flat mate Melinda come over with it instead.

I feel so cared for. So loved. So appreciated.

Here is a point of confusion though - Here are two of the most outstanding women I know - Kirstie who is flamboyant and funny and fabulous as all get out - Melinda who is gentle and cultured and so incredibly sweet - both smart, great jobs as teachers, pretty, & wonderful families.. why are they still single? What is the go with all the eligible men?

I know of too many other ladies like them, godly women, strong women (but not too strong) feminine and gracious.. and single. I am honoured to be their friend and as such wish them one day to have a partner that will appreciate them as they deserve.

The top drawer

Have you ever noticed that when, in movies, people want to take something off the desk they always put it in the top drawer? And when they do, there's hardly anything to see in that drawer... almost as if that drawer's only intended purpose is for taking documents off the desk they don't want people to see.

I've been thinking on a few applications for this analogy, but aren't going to write about any of them - just state that none of my top drawers have ever been empty.

Emma is dreaming... she's laying down on the ground below me and has let off a few growls into mid air. It's been a real comfort having her to stay, last night she even got the honor of sleeping on a sheet (which covered the carpet) in my room. I had a bad coughing fit and when she'd ascertained that I was in fact alright, went and posted herself at the doorway as if to say "it's ok, I'll make sure you're safe". The bonus is that she didn't get me up in the night and as far as I can tell, didn't have any "accidents" - not too bad for a big black Labrador used to a farm.

Finally - I'll end tonight's blog with this - It's my mom's birthday today. I'm so very, very, very thankful God foresaw to grant her to me, and for me to be born by her. She's one amazing lady that I am honored to know, am blessed to be loved by, and inspired to be more like.

Facebook Photos

A friend rang before and let me know that a mutual friend had posted some photos on Facebook of the dancing at the wedding... this, while bound to happen, is still a moment of possible embarrassment knowing my Facebook friend has posted some awful photos of people in the past!

I'm posting this shot of me undoing my hair in the name of full disclosure... perhaps in an attempt to forget the photo of Cathy and I "singing" (and I use that term loosely) RESPECT along with Aretha Franklin...

Still sick.

Melancholy Thinking

Melancholy thoughts are apt to hit one when you're sick. I don't mean in terms of dying, but rather, in terms of living. I walked into my father's study today and looked at photos that he has displayed in pride of place from when we were living in the Philippines and people that he served with. 20 + years ago my parents gave up a considerable portion of their lives to serve and serve with others whom they continue to keep in contact with and honor.

I wonder what of purpose I am now doing. My parents have pictures of these people and photos of family members decorating the house - I have paintings and charcoal drawings and little pottery salt and pepper shakers that hug.

It's no secret that I want a family of my own. Regardless of the facts that surround this though, if that blessing is never given to me, how am I living, and what am I living for? Even whilst working voluntarily I questioned this - I'm more satisfied in my current job than I was in HK - so that's not the answer.

I just don't know what is. The melancholy thinking will pass as I get better (the drugs and rest and water are already working), but I hope the drive does not. I want to be compelled to make the most of my life.

P.s. I have the best friend - she's bringing her cat or her dog over to stay with me :) Emma (who I've written of previously) is a very beautiful Labrador and Tiger is a ginger (surprise surprise) cat who I named and have formed some attachment with... Tiger though is used to roaming the farm and perhaps will not come up to town due to the foreseeable problem of escaping into the big wide world of city life and being corrupted never to return to the comforts of home.

Dressing Gowns and Tissues

I'm sick. Officially sick. My doctor has put me on cortisone tablets, antibiotics and an influenza drug that I inhale... As I'm contagious I'm off work which is really horrible - believe it or not, I want to be at work especially after my holiday.

So I'm at home watching the West Wing (which is much nicer than yesterday where I couldn't get out of bed) - at the part where Leo has a heart attack up at Camp David - and snuggled up into a dressing gown that a dear friend gave me. I'm really glad that spring has come as our back porch is also delightful to sit on - birds singing and the gerberas are in beautiful flower.

I hate being sick, but I don't regret my holiday at all!

Back Home

I'm sick :( was sent home from work today as I was fairly ill and while there's so much that I want to write about my trip I'm apprehensive that any attempt will fall short of the mark due to my current state. I'll make the effort though:

Hong Kong is such an amazing place. When I got off the plane and started exploring again I wondered if I could move there once more... the conclusion I've come to is no. It's my ideal holiday, perhaps an awesome place to visit once a year or two to go back to a place that is familiar yet so different to my current life - great friends are there too which really helps. My conclusion is based upon the thought that working and living in HK is great - as long as you've got the money to keep up with the Jones - and at the end of the day I don't want to live that lifestyle. In Toowoomba I can keep regular hours at work, I have clean air, I have an amazing mix between city and country - in Hong Kong it's great to party, but the contrast between poverty and pleasure is so extreme that I don't know if I could be settled unless doing charity work.

The one comment that I heard most frequently was that I looked "relaxed" - was a pleasant thing to hear! As my stay continued though, I felt more and more caught up in the hustle and bustle of life, it was great, but stressful.

I managed to keep to my restriction of not eating pork or shellfish - absolutely astounding! I never made it up to the Peak (and my fav. restaurant) or to have that Lychee martini, but I don't have any regrets.

This photo for me just about sums up the luxury of Hong Kong - this one and the one of the $200,000 phone - hand made and pure gold... now imagine the feeling of dropping that in a beer eskie as I did with my last one!

Fidee Fidee La!

In the cantonese expression of hurry hurry, I write this blog in a transit lounge as my flight is boarding and my time limit on the computer is expiring.

Looking forward to uploading photos - an AMAZING wedding, with a splendid par-tay afterwards, I don't think I've ever danced with such "abandon"and had a great deal of fun... a guy even asked for my contact details which rejects the thought I'm a pariah :)

Didn't sleep on the flight so might not go into work this afternoon - heaps of luggage including copious amounts of alcohol for my brother.

All is well in the land of somewhere smiling and 30 seconds remaining!

Where to start

I have no idea where to start. Perhaps this is one of those blogs best written in point form:

• The service at St Andrews was amazing. The sermon was deep and interesting and with great context, the worship was poignant (and not too loud!) and it was probably the best part of my trip
• Lunch with Daniel and Carolyn was wonderful
• I was 2.5 hours late for Debbie's Dim Sum (oops!) and actually missed the whole thing and came when people were leaving
• I saw someone there who has the nack of really, really hurting me. The same person that I've previously written about forgivness. Let's just say that they managed to twist that knife in my gut - good work by God not undone though. We've reached the understanding (God and I) that while we need to love everyone) we don't have to like everyone. This person fits into this category - I wish them the best, but probably better for me not to have anything to do with them!
• Was like being home - I had some time to kill and so walked in to Phil and Sue's to sit on thier couch and watch Season 2 of Heros :) Phil walked in and we had a good chat
• Was awesome seeing people like Mike and Helen (with a beautiful baby bump!) - thanks for the comment guys :) and really looking forward to catching up with people tonight
• Had a lovely, interesting dinner with Kara with much honest discussion
• Got home, slept, woke up early this morning and now over in TST horrified that shops don't open until after I need to be at the church to help set up (at 10:30!) ... so much for buying my beautiful thing :(
• I got given a wedding gift yesterday!!! Tea cups from Debbie that she got given and so has given them to me in advance... I'm not so sure about the advance thing but I'm very happy to keep them because they're simply lovely
• Signing off now

I wish...

I wasn't here alone.




Now that's said and done with, last night was absolutely fabulous! Catching up with Pete, Richard, Bethan and Sheila at Inn Side Out was certianly a highlight of this trip. With some very funny times added in (e.g. I couldn't figgure out why my food was so hot, and then half way through relised that the funny green things weren't olives but Jalapinios... Peter and his camera "Once I start taking photos I just can't put it away!")

Busy day today - I've just walked passed St John's church for memories sake, and am off to my own church St Andrews where I'll be meeting Daniel and Carolyn for lunch afterwards. I've then got Dim Sum for Craig and Debbie at 2pm (which I know I'll be late for!) and following that meeting up with Helen Mottee and then having dinner with Kara - I'll sleep well tonight. Dim Sum should be interesting... I have managed not to eat pork or shellfish during my stay thus far - I think it's unavoidable at Dim Sum though! Shall give it a go.

The Best Hens Night EVER

In the two and ... years that I spent in Hong Kong I never went on a junk. Last night, at Deb's Hen's night I had the amazing opportunity to do so, and loved every minute of it.

We launched from Aberdeen and anchored in Deep Water Bay with champagne flowing freely and delicious food. I thought they were joking that the top level had beds to lie down on, but it really did! Little floor level mats that you could sit on and just enjoy the time with great friends in an incredible atmosphere... so relaxing!

And yes, there are photos coming :)

I'm sitting here at MIX (again) enjoying my quiche in Harbour City after getting to the Ladies Market 3 hours before it opened. Hong Kong is not the city for early morning starts, and one of the disadvantages of living here previously is that I don't check the guide books... hence the trip over to TST instead of hanging around in Mong Kok.

Hong Kong is a city to experience. I'd forgotten the smells, the business, how nice it is just to walk by an airconditioned shop in relief of the humidity, the open air street markets selling chicken meat, how easy it is to get lost, the air conditioning systems that drip on you as you walk on the street beneath them... and then the blissful peace and serenity of going somewhere quite and still. Hong Kong truly is an amazing city. I'm enjoying being a visitor.

I'm heading out to Causeway Bay this afternoon to go to my fav. pub Inn Side Out where I shall certianly enjoy a Fullers Organic Honey Dew beer or two. I'm really looking forward to catching up with a few mates there.

Finally, I've decided that instead of buying small little trinkets for myself during my stay I'm going to buy one big thing. Something beautiful to really appreciate and commemorate this trip by.

One Year Later

The title of this blog could apply to many things, one year since I've been in Hong Kong, one year since I've been overseas, one year since I was broken up with... This trip falls on the anniversary of all of these things.

It was inevitable that I'd go through certian emotions during my stay, I love Hong Kong and some of the best memories I have were made here. You don't just throw this out. I am however, very thankful that I can remember at the moment without the pain. This morning for instance I went to my fav. take-a-way store for breakfast. MIX. The last time I was in that store in Central was with him, he was the one that opened the door for me, he was the one I talked with. This morning was different, obviously (I shared the time with Barb), but thankfully the shaddow of good memories has not detracted, perhaps only enhanced the experience and made me realise how much I've grown over the past year.

Back to the trip though - I've arrived! I do hate flying, but God was very gracious in giving me two lovely ladies in the same row with a seat between us and while the turbulance was aweful, I'm here safe and sound and that's all that matters. 8 hours of a high heart rate and anxiety levels are not fun :(

It's not often that my expectations are exceeded. With my hotel they are though, which is a wonderful bonus - a showerhead the size of a dinner plate, lovely crisp fresh room, clean, marble, and one of the 6 cheapest hotels to stay that was listed on Expedia. The bed is as hard as most HK beds are (for those who haven't experienced this, imagine lying on cussioned concrete and you're about there) but the linen is lovely 400+ thread count! (Goodness me - I've turned into such a snob)

I'm about to go out to a birthday lunch with a friend at the nearby hotel, then will go home for a snooze before hopping on a Chinese Junk tonight for the Hens party - my oh my I'm looking forward to that!

I'm still a little ill, but it's manageable, and I'm sure you're probably board by now so I'll sign off!

Before I go though - I really really really love Hong Kong...I'm just wondering how I'll go with the whole no pork no seafood thing that I've stuck to for the past 11 months...

The night before

Off to Hong Kong tomorrow :)

I'm starting to get excited. I often get excitement and anxiousness mixed up - I diagnose one as the other, often I'm excited and I think it's anxious and then because I think I'm anxious I actually get REALLY anxious. But forget all that, the anxiousness is dissapearing and for now I'm just excited, and a little tired from the rush rush rush in trying to finish up everything at work (about to head back into the office to finish up a few things and participate in an information night).

I can't wait to see everyone and do all the things I mentioned in this post back in January! If I've double booked I apologise now - It will be a busy time! :)

... should you never hear from me again some fate that I fear has befallen me - otherwise stay tuned for the next exciting adventure of Somewhere Smiling!

A challenge and a thanks

I go to a salon once a month for a few "girly" things and tonight I got my hair cut for the first time in a very, very long time... unfortunately, along with the space in blogging I've also taken a break from photographs so there are none from this period, but trust me in saying it grew to a length not seen falling from my cranium since the early '00's.

I have a really good relationship with my beautician, we chat most of the appointment and get along really well. I've been challenged though in the question of, "do I conform to her standards, or does my difference in life choices, specifically my Christianity show through?"

A friend once showed me how important it was to be honest, more so, REAL in who we are. I'm happy with how I'm following his example, but I question if I'm actually following Christ's in my actual living. Is my being "real" actually detracting from Christ? Is my lifestyle one that speaks more highly of the world I live in or the Christ that I serve? I'm not so sure...

Anyway, Mom has seen that I'm writing a blog and has asked to be mentioned kindly in it - I respond in following: "How could I not speak kindly of you? You brought me a fabulous lunch out to work today just to spend time with me and blessed me even more by the book you gave me (50 things to do on an airplane). I came home to a meal that was cooked and fabulous conversation and I really do think I have the best mom in the world."

fReaKing oUt

I hate flying – it’s not natural – I did it too much as a kid and the novelty’s worn off – It equates to one really long rollercoaster ride, and I dislike even the short theme park rides

Unfortunately, sailing to locations isn’t an option on either my budget or my timeframes, so flight it is

I’ve been freaking out a little bit about Thursday’s flight

Freaking out about flying may have led to paranoia about other things

I have a rash on my leg that’s moved

I obviously haven’t reached that plane of Christian living where one is happy to die.

Disappointed... but the moment is getting redeemed

I shortchanged myself this morning. After a late night out last night, I slept in and missed church. And I'm really disappointed.

I was sick last week and feel as though it's been an age since I fellowshipped with my Brothers and Sisters in Christ. However, as I type this, I'm also watching to the Christian channel on cable and I'm realising that I am worshiping with other people, in spirit.

I'm encouraged by the thought that at this point, people from all around the world are worshiping God... and I am with them in doing so.

I'm still disappointed that I missed church (and encouraged to that I'm disappointed - I don't always want to go to church!), but I'm glad that God has redeemed the moment.

The funniest song in a fair while

Getting the newspaper early this morning from the Petrol Station I heard this song in my car - it cracks me up every time and so I thought I'd share it. It could be one of those really early morning on a Saturday brainwaves that aren't so good, but here goes it:

Listen "I'm Still A Guy Brad Paisley"

If it doesn't download click here to go elsewhere and listen to "I'm Still A Guy"

A long break

I've been hibernating - taking a break from writing, communicating and in general being fairly anti-social with the world not directly in front of me. Some great things have been happening, some fairly awful things have happened, and in general I could say that life's been very good to me - but it's the sucky things that have made me not write. There's been a few reasons for this:

1. I don't want to air my, nor my family's "dirty laundry" on this blog, and there were times that I was tempted - "Stay AWAY from the keyboard!"
2. I've had, as I expressed to a friend last night "a multitude of unanswered questions that haunt the recesses of my mind, being afraid to have others ask questions which I myself don't have the answers for"
3. I went through one of my "I hate the internet's power to tell you things you don't want to know" phases.
   

I've found myself composing blogs in my head, thinking through what I'd write and how I'd write it - and as I do use this as a bit of a personal journey log I have missed chronicling these events. It has been well worth it though.

A friend of mine has the back of her bathroom door covered in sayings and quotes (you may as well be encouraged while you're in there!), and one of them is this "the wisest words are those which were never spoken because they would have hurt someone without benefiting anyone". This, primarily, is the reason I've been silent lately.

But for the records sake:

• I've had a great time at some garage sales (7 Tolkien books for $7 bucks! 4 Designer pants (trousers for you non-Aussies) which retail for 140 each and I got the lot of them (brand new and perfect fit) for only $40
• Dad's second surgery has gone well. Non cancer related thank God
  
• I've decided that come spring I'm going to buy myself a bunch of roses each week from a local rose farm
• Drinking too much isn't smart (it has the propensity to completely ruin the next day - why put yourself through that??)
• I'm going to spend Christmas in New Zealand
  
• I may have committed myself to going speed dating!
  
• Trust in God is the foundation for our faith (stay tuned for more on this one)
• I'm heading to Hong Kong in a week's time!
  
• Family is the most important thing

I've also realised during this break that come September, perhaps the worst year in my life will be over... Honestly, aside from Death, someone in our family being incarcerated, someone losing a limb or being paralyzed there's nothing that I can think of that couldn't have happened this past year on the downer side of life - Praise God though - a couple more weeks and a milestone will have been reached!

Thankful for the day I never thought I would be thankful for

I didn't sleep that well last night, stress got the better of me and I was wakeful at the thought of today. A presentation to the full staff team still needed a lot of work, I had no idea how to actually work (i.e. modify & update) a new module on our website that I was demonstrating and have more areas than I'd rather admit needing more work then I can provide time for.

I prayed. I asked God to help me though. He did.

I sit at the end of the day, the end of a successful day in which I was faithful to do all that I could do, and I am thankful.

I get insecure, at what I don't do and what I can't do, quite often. I compare myself to others and I'm my own worst critic, especially where everything I do is critiqued in one way or another by the person who I directly represent (which is how in this type of job it always is). Yet, as I look back on today, and my anxiety last night, I'm thankful for today in a way I never thought I would be. I'm out of my league in so many areas, yet in that I'm reminded that God is made perfect in our weaknesses.

I hope an angel reminds me of today and God's faithfulness in bringing me through it next time I stress out... committing our ways to God does work, asking for guidance does help, trusting in God is not futile. No matter how simplistic it sounds.

The Challenge to be a Beauty Chaser

There is pain in this world, great pain, deep pain, seemingly insufferable and often excruciating... but it is redeemable.

I write this blog with the insight and teachings of Greg Fleming from the Maxim Institute who I've heard over the past two days at a conference in Brisbane. While on an intellectual level, I really appreciated all of his 4 sessions, the third hit me personally. If you've been reading this blog for a while, or know me outside of the on-line world, I don't think you'd be surprised to learn it was based upon the challenge of Pain and Suffering in our world.

I walked out of this third session burning with the belief that I want to be a beauty chaser. In a world of pain and suffering there is God's redemptive power calling to teach of us, whispering that there's something better than the twisted pain we experience resulting from this fallen world. There is beauty, there is goodness, and regardless of what we may sometimes feel - God IS Good.

I was challenged on my theology. Am I a consumeristic Christian? Defined by a newspaper columnist after the Elim School Tradgedy in NZ:

"Belief in God is not some sort of commercial transaction - I'll say my prayers every night, you protect me from any pain and grief - it doesn't work like that."

And with this theology crumble when things go wrong, doubting the very existence or inherent qualities of God? Or, do I believe and act as though, that regardless of my circumstance God is still just as good and powerful and loving. A belief that God isn't all about me (a tricky thing as Adrian Plass explains in his book Growing Up Pains where "Everyone is I") and what he can do for me, but that simply he is God, and my faith is in him.

Greg shared 6 principles of this theology entitled The Tension in the Reality:

1. God is good, the world is good, there is truth and beauty
2. There is also great pain and suffering
3. The fall brings this tension - it distorts that which is good
4. Ultimately sin curves in on itself - Incurvatus in se (Latin)
5. Whilst the direction of creation is twisted, it's structure is not
   
6. Because sin and evil are the twisting of good - not the opposite of it, we don 't disengage from the culture of creation but seek to redeem it.

A number of people have expressed to me on different occasions that God has gifted me with the ability to see life a little differently from most. Pain is deep. I want honesty (even where it hurts). I hate the "happy happy joy joy" of ignoring what's actually going on and brushing over issues. This view can bring cynicism, but it can also see beauty in difficult situations. It hears the rain falling on my roof right now and pictures the parched soil soaking it up, my Dad's gerbra's lifting their faces towards the downpour exalting in the drench...

I'd like to work a lot more on this topic of seeing the beauty, to choose and catalog the beauty amidst the pain, but I'm off to work for the moment and above are just some random thoughts not yet fully explored... but yes, I feel urged, amidst the pain that I often feel, amidst the anxiety and down times to relish life, to cherish beauty and to fight against the post-modern view that both are meaningless.

Home Again

Have just gotten home from a 2 day conference in Brisbane... will hold off from writing all that I was going to, and will instead just leave this teaser of a thought:

I want to relish life, cherish beauty and fight against the thought that both are meaningless.

Looking forward to elaborating on this soon!