Streeetttcchheeedd... and more flexible than prevously thought

I'm home. I'm safe. I'm still going through in my mind one of the most challenging experiences in my life.

I'm very tempted to go into the aspects of this challenge, but due to specifics which would need to be mentioned I won't - suffice it to say that I've often wondered if I would have the patience to be a mom and not lose my temper and continue to love and show love - tonight proved that I have more patience and can express an even temper far better than I ever thought possible. While I still have my doubts, I've experienced first hand God's grace in parenting (or pseudo parenting) situations. I can also perform first aid on a screaming, overtired child on the side of a highway.

I've been thinking a lot about Romans 5:3-5:

³Moreover [let us also be full of joy now!] let us exult and triumph in our troubles and rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that pressure and affliction and hardship produce patient and unswerving endurance. ⁴And endurance (fortitude) develops maturity of character (approved faith and tried integrity). And character [of this sort] produces [the habit of] joyful and confident hope of eternal salvation. ⁵Such hope never disappoints or deludes or shames us, for God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit Who has been given to us.

In one situation where I consider this verse I'm encouraged, because I know that the suffering one person I dearly love is going through lines up with what this scripture says. And they're able to handle it better than they could have because of experiences in the past. Yes, it's hard. Yes I've never seen this person suffering as they are now. I've never had to carry the load for them in the way I am now - yes, it's heartbreaking, but I can stand in confidence on this verse and many others in my prayers - that they would be encouraged and uplifted and redeemed...

In the other situation which is on my heart so much tonight, I can't see any application for this scripture. The participants are too young. The experience that they're going through too painful to contemplate and I am far from being able to see any good in it or coming from it...

The thing is - both situations impacted my afternoon and evening and God was in that and helped me learn things I would never have otherwise.... so really, I should be encouraged - but instead, while I'd love to say something happy and uplifting - the truth of the matter is... well.... tonight I'd sell a hug for 5c, and I'm about 12 hours off rejoicing in my, or anyone else's suffering.

No need for anyone to comment on this post!

i wish i could make everything better i wish you never had to experience pain that i can only imagine i wish i could shield you and that you would know how much i love you one day when you're old enough we'll talk about it i hope by then i'll won't be another example in your life of failed commitment i hope soon that you'll start to laugh and play without the weight of sadness that you carry with you everywhere i'll fly anywhere to give you a hug for free

always worshiping...

Right now each one of us is worshiping. It doesn't matter if you're "religious" or not... we're all worshiping. So writes Harold Best, the author of Unceasing Worship (the link also includes the ability to download an excerpt). It's based upon that idea that God is constantly outpouring of himself, his goodness, love, justice, mercy etc... and thus man as Imago Dei (the image of God) reflects that outpouring back in worship.

A teacher at my school shared this concept today and elaborated to say that that if we have a problem with sin or habitual sin, the chances it is occurring when we are worshiping something other than God. It made a lot of sense to me - issues in my life, and areas that aren't quite right - when I look at what's behind them it's not always what I'm doing that's really wrong, but rather the focus (or the reason behind why I'm doing what I'm doing) that's off. I'm worshiping pride, self-sufficiency, lust, comfort... any number of things other than God. I'm worshiping creation or a facet of creation rather than the Creator. And we all do it all the time. Whatever we're worshiping outworks itself into visible aspects of our lives.

When we sin Best states the following:

When we sin, worship does not stop. It changes directions and reverts back to what it once was [after the fall], even if only for an instant. Repentance— the turning from and (re)turning to—is the only solution.

We are constantly worshiping. When we're watching TV we're worshiping .. something. When we're talking to friends we're worshiping... something. When we're working - worshiping. Shopping - worshiping. Singing - worshiping. Laughing - worshiping, exercising, loving, crying, painting, reading.. you get the idea. Sometimes we're worshiping God, sometimes we're not.

There's a lot more to this concept that I haven't said and if you're interested I'd encourage you to read the articles available on the link above.

When it all hits the fan...

2 people who are very close to me are going through some huge things at the moment.... and it's all hitting the fan.

In one case I've made the effort to keep the relationship with the other party - dropped by a six pack of beer that they like and had a good chat on the phone for an hour or so, letting them know there's no hard feelings and that I was glad for them and the next journey they were stepping out into (note: not a romantic break-up but a business one). My friend was cool with this and encouraged it.

In the second case things aren't quite so simple. I find myself struggling with not holding a secondary offence, and wanting to head in to fight on behalf of this person with vengeance. I know we're not supposed to hold grudges, that the act of doing so is not only detrimental to our health but also our walk with God. I know that God is the only one who has the right to judge... but still... there's a big part of me that goes "mess with my ____ and you mess with me" I want to be GI Jane in the situation.

Unfortunately, that would be the worst thing I could do. So what am I left with...? the familiar theme echos in my ears "trust and pray" "trust and pray"

Pushing Through

For the past two days I've been having quite a few "pushing through" moments - times where all within me (apart from some small whisper of encouragement) is saying "you can't do this" and feeling the anxiety and doubt levels rising close to the point of considering quitting.

It wasn't just learning to ride a motorcycle, which in and of itself had its own huge challenges (FYI today I transitioned from the parking lot to riding 80Km on the road and riding through Brisbane's suburban streets :), looking back over this weekend the moment which had the most personal achievement for me was in my hotel room last night.

My hotel room was reasonably dodgy (i.e. cheap and fairly nasty by Australian standards), and I'd been fleetingly considering sleeping in my car rather than staying there (silly I know!). I'd just hung up from talking to a friend on the phone when I realised that my phone battery was very, very low. So here I was, about to go to sleep, remembering the fact that I didn't tell anyone where I was staying or what suburb or what company I was doing my course through and freaking myself out that if something did happen in the night that I wasn't kosher with I couldn't phone anyone - and, if something happened during my ride the next day, how would I let people know?? and, and, and!!

Instead of giving into my emotion I stopped. I prayed. and I felt convicted as to who/what my trust was in. My trust shouldn't have been in my phone. My trust shouldn't have been in the people I could contact through it. My trust shouldn't have been in the security of my surroundings. My trust should have been, and should always be in, regardless of and especially in scary situations, God. It was amazing how once this conviction came and I repented how quickly I got to sleep and slept through the night (until the building alarm sounded at 6:20am). While I often work through things with God, this, for reasons that are hard to explain was entirely different - it was like moving up to an entirely new and bigger level.

Positive Self talk is a powerful tool - I heard my fellow Learners discussing it all day, it can enable us to Push Through when otherwise we might not.
Negative Self Talk can be disastrous, I know this very well from experience. It can very effectively stop us from Pushing Through.
However, this weekend's lesson of stopping to listen to God's voice, instead of any talk going through my own head - priceless, and worth all the scary experiences.

I'm no Lara Croft

...but even she had to start somewhere

I'm sitting at an internet cafe with 10 minutes time to write this blog, and my fingers keep on hitting the wrong keys on the silly keyboard so it's likely to be a short one! and backspace is in the totally wrong position :(

Today I had my first session learning to ride a motorbike... yes, I hear you know calling your friends (no matter where you are in the world) telling them to stay off the roads just in case! Actually, after a SHOCKING start (I was the only person today to fall off thier bike and drop it "ouch" and I did it on the first exercise :( it was a whole lot of fun. A lot still to learn and it will be a huge shock if I get my P's tomorrow but that haveing been said I'm really glad I'm doing it, even if I'll be repeating the process of another session next week.

I blog about my experience while it's so fresh in my memory for a very simple reason. Today I learnt that while I'm not exactly a perfectionist, I do like to get things right and know how to do them well - with something like learning to ride a bike, I'd probably be doing much better at it if I just wasn't trying so hard. Probably another good thought to carry me through this year.

With that thought and MANY aching muscles I'm off to my hotel :) No more internet until I get home tomorrow night so emails will have to wait - this keyboard is awful!!!

btw : this is one of my "I'm going to give it a shot" things for the year!

Ha De Ha Ha Ha

Today I made a mistake - a silly, stupid and unthinking mistake on a simple test... and I couldn't stop laughing at myself over it.

If only I could laugh at all mistakes this way :)

Pondering Encouragement

"... criticism - however valid or intellectually engaging - tends to get in the way of a writer who has anything personal to say. A tightrope walker may require _practice_, but if he starts a theory of equilibrium he will lose grace (and probably fall off)." — J.R.R. Tolkien (The Letters of J.R.R. Tolkien)

I had a phone call yesterday with a great friend who encouraged me to try things, and if I didn't like them not to worry as I wouldn't have to do them again, but at least I'd tried and gave it a go. It was such a contrast to what I'd heard earlier that day from another friend, cautioning me from doing anything other than what I already am.

Both these friends have walked some very hard journeys with me. Both these friends are amazing and valued and incredibly gifted. Both these friends are in very different places. Both these friends spoke into my life - but one hindered momentum and the other encouraged it. Encouragement means to "give courage or confidence or hope". I felt encouraged after talking to one, and disheartened after discussing the same things with the other.

I write this simply for two reasons, one, as a reminder that our words can bring life or death, and two as a reflection upon the year thus far. I've stuffed up pretty majorly this year already, however, God in his grace and wisdom and love has brought some pretty cool stuff out of that stuff up. Things were able to be discussed without my usual emotion because emotion had been released in my stuff up, thus only honesty remained when it was time to talk things through.

The second point may seem off base, but it's not when viewed in entirety. Walking forward there are many errors I might make, many wrong turns I might take- but God, from very recent experience, I know can bring life out of death, hope out of despair, and can make things stronger through experiences.

God is a redeeming God and this year as I hope to step out into new things and make way for Him to work in my life I'm encouraged by Him. My Courage, Confidence and Hope are found in Him - or so may it be!