I'm not alright

If weakness is a wound
that no one wants to speak of
Then "cool" is just how far we have to fall

I am not immune,
I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall

Can I lose my need impress?
If you want the truth I need to confess

I'm not alright, I'm broken inside

Sanctus Real - I'm not alright

I called a friend from my hotel room last night because I felt like I was crumbling. If you can imagine a person made of sand and the wind blowing hard disintegrating what was once a visible form – that’s how I felt.

At church that morning the pastor shared a word which struck me quite closely on a number of fronts, afterward when I was chatting to him, he offered to pray for me and I gladly said yes.

After church I spent time with a mate and while with him it wasn’t an issue, but walking into my hotel room alone I crumbled and couldn’t stop crying. I would have done anything for a hug, to have somebody with me just at that moment.

I felt broken. I don’t like brokenness. I really don’t like brokenness when I’m alone and it’s just me and my thoughts.

So after an hour I phoned my friend and asked her to pray with me – pray for protection from the thoughts coming off the things that were triggered during the service and the prayer afterward, and things that I came down to Sydney to get away from.

I am so glad that in this moment I was able to reach out to someone and say that I needed help – as my friend said, it’s not something I readily do. But I really needed to ask someone to walk that journey through with me and I'm so thankful for her love, care and prayers.

When I phoned my mom this morning though, she was so thankful that I did break down. That in her mind, the reason I went down to Sydney was so that I could be in a neutral place without the need to keep it all together, which I’ve been pushing myself to do. I’m glad for her wise head saying that it was ok – that I’m ok, even though I’m not.

May was a huge month, yesterday a huge day, last night a huge couple of hours. I REALLY don't know what's going on in my life right now and aside from feeling confused I feel constricted by my lack of choice - I feel as though things have been flung at me and I've just got to take it all in, roll with the punches but without the ability to change anything.

I share all of this for one reason: we're all broken, and I hope when you reach a moment of crumbling you can reach out to someone too, and also remember that it's ok to not be ok.