I'm not alright

If weakness is a wound
that no one wants to speak of
Then "cool" is just how far we have to fall

I am not immune,
I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall

Can I lose my need impress?
If you want the truth I need to confess

I'm not alright, I'm broken inside

Sanctus Real - I'm not alright

I called a friend from my hotel room last night because I felt like I was crumbling. If you can imagine a person made of sand and the wind blowing hard disintegrating what was once a visible form – that’s how I felt.

At church that morning the pastor shared a word which struck me quite closely on a number of fronts, afterward when I was chatting to him, he offered to pray for me and I gladly said yes.

After church I spent time with a mate and while with him it wasn’t an issue, but walking into my hotel room alone I crumbled and couldn’t stop crying. I would have done anything for a hug, to have somebody with me just at that moment.

I felt broken. I don’t like brokenness. I really don’t like brokenness when I’m alone and it’s just me and my thoughts.

So after an hour I phoned my friend and asked her to pray with me – pray for protection from the thoughts coming off the things that were triggered during the service and the prayer afterward, and things that I came down to Sydney to get away from.

I am so glad that in this moment I was able to reach out to someone and say that I needed help – as my friend said, it’s not something I readily do. But I really needed to ask someone to walk that journey through with me and I'm so thankful for her love, care and prayers.

When I phoned my mom this morning though, she was so thankful that I did break down. That in her mind, the reason I went down to Sydney was so that I could be in a neutral place without the need to keep it all together, which I’ve been pushing myself to do. I’m glad for her wise head saying that it was ok – that I’m ok, even though I’m not.

May was a huge month, yesterday a huge day, last night a huge couple of hours. I REALLY don't know what's going on in my life right now and aside from feeling confused I feel constricted by my lack of choice - I feel as though things have been flung at me and I've just got to take it all in, roll with the punches but without the ability to change anything.

I share all of this for one reason: we're all broken, and I hope when you reach a moment of crumbling you can reach out to someone too, and also remember that it's ok to not be ok.

a child shall lead them... or so we pray

I got home from coffee tonight to find my next door neighbour's son discussing something with my dad on the doorstep. In one hand he held a bible I'd given him, in the other a string of beads that he'd made at school. He wanted to know why they had to kill the ram, and how the cross was involved. (the story of Abraham and the sacrifice of Isaac)

We answered his questions and I walked him home. It turns out that his mother was reading him the bible while his brother had a bath and when he asked this question she said "honey, I don't know the answer, I could make it up but why don't you go next door and ask Liz instead" .. so he did, and then she asked me to explain it to her on her doorstep.

This family astounds me. They read the bible to their son more than a lot of christian parents I know, they send him to a catholic school where he learns about God (even though I know a lot of christian parents justify sending thier kids to state schools) and are willing to walk his journey of discovery with him.

I love how they've taken their young son to all different types of churches in town because he wanted to see what they were like. As Christian families we don't often do this! We stay within our closet denomination, not experiencing what else is possible, and often don't ask people to explain simple things which we don't understand because we might feel embarrassed.

This little boy is leading both me and his parents to know God better.

Adoration

Tonight I went to my first Catholic service with a mate from work. It was a service called Adoration and, at his parish, it is a once a week 24 hour service where people can come and go at will, but where there is always someone there praying or reading the bible or in meditative thought.

It was very cool.

We only stayed for about 30 minutes but I was so encouraged during that time. Encouraged by the act, encouraged by the fact that such a service is there, praying in our city non-stop for 24 hours each week, encouraged by the friendship to invite me and openly discuss what we each believe and our journeys to this point.

I was also encouraged by this scripture I read during the time of Adoration:

Psalm 139:

²³ Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

when the past rears its ugly head in the mirror of today

I’m very self conscious at the moment and while I detest the reasons, detest even moreso that things are bothering me this way, when for many years now I’ve been rather free and comfortable.

I won’t mention the reasons why I’m self conscious but what I do want mention is this: In an age where so much focus is on the body, clothing and image how often I forget that unless we are careful, these things can become central to how we view ourselves.

When something changes in these respects we get a wakeup call for what has over a time of complacency worked its way into our psyche. It’s not a fun thing. Memories from past events come back to haunt us and long dead spectres of deep seeded insecurities stare at us from the mirror.

Two of these haunt me now, and I detest how both make me question my present relationships based upon memories from the past which are conjured. The vulnerabilities of the past are not the same of today, yet my insecurities rear their ugly heads as if they are. The whispers in my head are much worse than what my friends would say, yet I hear them anyway.

In light of this, I’ve started a devotional on Authentic Beauty – a devotional on 1 Peter over two months reminding us of Inner Beauty and what really counts. I don’t like the reasons I’m needing to rediscover some of this material, but I am thankful that our insecurities can lead us closer to God rather than further away.

As unto

I've heard a lot in my life about "working unto the Lord". I agree that this should be fundamental in our work ethic, however, recent events have caused me to think a lot about it, and a lot about how I've applied it in my life.

I have, due to what could perhaps be described as an over developed sense of responsibility, recently passed on an amazing job with an organisation I hold in very high esteem. Furthermore, due to previously putting work before health care have canceled numerous appointments which I evidently know I should have kept. The last one in particular has had me on antibiotics for a week and in bed the past two days.

The thing is this, God will take care of us, but we also need to take care of ourselves. Yes, we need to work hard, but it doesn't mean that we should cancel appointments or place things on an uneven keel... in all things we need to submit to God, and in all things we need to honour him - in our body: with what we eat, how much rest we get, how we exercise and take care of ourselves - in work: in doing the best we can, in working hard and seeing things through - in our relationships: by not holding grudges, by looking out for each other, by believing in others and seeing the best in them - in life: by living as unto the Lord.

I'm looking forward to pondering this some more - to find the right balance and to implement it.

and even when

I was driving back to work today from an appointment in town and on my way up the hill I glanced over to the valley beside me and saw this picture. Soon after, I took a photo of it on the way down the hill after doing what I needed to at work and as I look at it now, pray that the impression I had when I saw it was true.

The vista I saw clearer than the photo taken on my camera shows was this - an intense rain storm in one isolated area, one tiny circle of rain, with everything around it being clear from rain.

I felt it showed exactly what I've been going through this past two weeks, and after my appointment in town, am likely to go through for at least the next week too. Three weeks of emotional and physical pain - three weeks of rain, but that there's a limit to it. I certainly hope I'm reaching the edge of the storm and that it will soon be but a memory - but for now, I'm happy to hold on to the thought that "this too will pass".

Before my appointment I had on Matt Redman's song "you never let go" and put it on repeat so that when I got back in the car, no matter what happened during the appointment I'd be encouraged by the words - I'm thankful that I was, and I'm thankful that they're true.

And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back
I know You are near

well... not exactly, but I enjoyed it while it lasted :) and Happy Mothers Day!

I got serenaded today, mind you, it wasn't for a whole song.. it was just until the men realised I wasn't the mother of my niece and then solely directed their singing to my amazing sister in law. However, it was pretty cool while it lasted - and fun to be included in for even a little while.
We were having a picnic in the park for Mother's Day and it really was the most completely random moment with men in bright orange shirts coming up, giving me a rose (and then taking it back to give to my sister in law who was the actual mother of the delightful girl sitting in my lap) and breaking into song - it was fantastic.The whole day was pretty great - after they left to go and have mother's day with my sister in law's mum (not the men in orange shirts, my brother's family) I took my rug to another park and watched clouds for a while. I've decided that no one needs to have answers when watching clouds. At least, I don't.
Last night was the first night in almost a fortnight where I didn't wake in the middle of the night due to pain - which is another reason why today was so great... but the real reason is this. Although my mother is on the other side of a great big ditch of water I'm incredibly glad that she's my mom. I told her about my lack of waking up last night, to which she replied, I thought so - it was the first night since it all happened that I didn't wake up in the night praying for you. This, along with so many other things hallmarks my mom. I know you read this - so as you didn't get a card this year: "Happy Mothers Day" I love you.... and so does Jake grandma ;)

count your blessings, name them one by one

I know a lot of people say that they have the best dog in the world.. well, I really do.

Sure, he's allergic to grass (no, seriously he is!) but that's about it (well, other than the put puts you sometimes smell when watching TV.. :(). He lets the neighbour's kids jump all over him and put him in a headlock, he puts a HUGE smile on my face when he plays in the park each day, he has the best bark which even scares me from time to time (he scared the bejeepers out of me the other night when we had a power-out and it was pitch black - I was fine until he started barking and growling as if there was someone else in the room) he gets more compliments then I ever have or will... and he is content. Mind you, he also has a pretty fantastic mum!

Yup - still glad I got him instead of a house or jewelery :)

living others lives

The weeks just keep on getting better... and thus, to be honest I've been getting a little discouraged.

I've been finding it way to easy to be introspective, and at times paranoid, but I'd say that would be the pain medication and antibiotics which are currently flooding my system, and due to the fact that physical activity is currently making me feel worse I'm sitting at home a lot!

All of this to say, Brother Andrew and his book "The Narrow Road" have been my solace. That and falling asleep at night listening to HTB sermons. Both the book and the amazing speakers at Holy Trinity Brompton take my mind off of me and place it back on a simply amazing God who cares deeply about intimate details of our lives - whether we can feel it at the moment or not.

Sometimes God's answer is no, but He still answers. On a range of fronts I'm praying for the grace to accept the "no" and be thankful for all the things I do have.

Whom Not to Marry: Time-Tested Advice from a Higher Authority

On Saturday I bought and read Father Pat's Connor's book Whom Not to Marry and really, really enjoyed it. I'm not a great lover of self help books, and have really grown to detest books on singleness, but this book was different and so I took it to Gloria Jeans and read it while sipping my mocha (until the building alarm went off and I decided it was time to leave!) The theme of the book is simple - when we want something a great deal, we can overlook things we shouldn't and this book points out in a sensitive, humorous and applicable way some of those things.

Each chapter is based on a part from 1 Corinthians 13 and what I found so encouraged by is that it wasn't about being married - it was about the qualities involved in making something work in an area where over 50% of those that start off in the journey fail. Yes - I do want to be married - but there's things which are a lot more important than that. Becoming and being a person of character is one of those things.

"Patience is the ability to wait without complaint for what we desire - and what we know in our heart we deserve. Patience gives us the strength to face what is in front of us, while waiting for what may like beyond us."

...still on pain killers - and sooooo over it. My whole body is tense :(

Dwell

At Easterfest I heard an awesome band called Garage Hymnal - I've been listing to their album quite a lot, but the folowing song "Dwell" has been echoing through my head, echoing the hope which I saw in the painting I bought (and still haven't got!...)

The past couple of weeks have been really interesting. This past week has been up there "toughest weeks of my life" - in addition to an incredible opportunity being presented to me, contemplating and planning for the change that this meant and then realising that what I wanted wasn't possible, I had a dental visit (on the same day that all hit the fan with the other thing) which didn't go according to plan and have been on pain medication since. So Tuesday of this week was in the top 3 worst days of my life considering all that happened within it... but as I write this, my soul dwells in the hope of tomorrow and I'm glad He's still pursuing me.

I hold you at a distance, but you wait so patiently
Gently whisper, gently tell me what I need to hear
You tell me what I need to hear

You say my soul dwells in the hope of tomorrow
I will trust you, and I will sing only
Because my soul dwells in the hope of tomorrow
I will trust you, and I will sing to you

You spent time pursuing me
You sent your Son to die for me
You sang songs of life to me
You sang me songs

You watch me from a distance
And you wait so patiently
Gently whisper, gently tell me what I need to hear
You tell me what I need to hear

You say my soul dwells in the hope of tomorrow
I will trust you, and I will sing only
Because my soul dwells in the hope of tomorrow
I will trust you, and I will sing
Yes I will sing
Lord I will sing only to you

Lord you hear my selfish cries
Lord you read my darkest thoughts
Lord you see my foolish ways
Lord you sense my deepest fears
Lord you know my doubting heart
And still you long, you long for me
I hold you at a distance
But you wait so patiently

Because my soul dwells in the hope of tomorrow
I will trust you, and I will sing