change of plans

Sometimes we can have romantic illusions as to what servant-hood is. I’ll be able to do “___” or “_____” or such and such will think so well of me we think with rosy and perhaps tainted glasses. Then... we find ourselves in a true place of humility where what we want falls to the wayside and what we need to do comes to the fore.

In the midst of an extraordinarily busy month I was really looking forward to coming down to the Conference I am now at – to sit and listen at the feet of people whom I greatly respect and help out here and there (where I choose to of course – my boss after all said I could do as little or much as I wanted). I had thoughts of in my spare time writing up some things that are in my brain and in the hecticness of the moment haven’t been able to write them out yet. Bits and pieces from things I’ve read but haven’t worked through fully... I had plans.

On Saturday night two of my brother’s good friends and I had just poured three amazingly tantalising glasses of red wine from a bottle. There they sat, and there they stayed... untouched, untasted, unappreciated. The night ended very differently with a late night trip to the hospital which changed the outlook for this time away for me.

I’ve struggled with this change, even though I see God’s hand of providence that I came and am able to assist in the shoes of the staff member who is ill. Sometimes we need to ramp up and serve in a different way to meet the needs that are evident, even if that means making cups of tea for others when you want one desperately yourself or readjusting the framework of your planning to lend a hand... and trust that God will take care of you.

I still have so many questions I really want to ask these guys. I want guidance from them – I want to learn from them – I want to listen to them... but I also need to get my thoughts in order and be less than the emotional wreck that I feel inside to do so... but again, neither of these things are possible.

Colossians 4: ⁵Walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the best use of the time. ⁶Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.

This was a cool scripture to be reminded of tonight.

Fascinating!

After a MASSIVE week I rushed out after work tonight to have coffee with someone that I met recently. It was one of the most fascinating conversations I have had with someone in a long, long time.

We have differing faiths, and, with this being understood had a great time discussing a variety of topics. Charity work, music, travel, life in general, goals and values.

He was flattering, open, engaging and dynamic - yet reserved and very polite - as he has been since I've known him.. yet, as neither of us will date outside of our faith, there was no awkwardness in defining the relationship. A spoken agreement that it was nice to have a conversation with someone so grounded, but no thinking that this is a possible partner.

I'm glad I've made a new friend, and I'm also thankful for the experience I met him through and understanding gained about his faith, along with the challenge it has been to live my own more fully.

With that being said - I'm off to the first night of a course called The Truth Project.

ROFL

Poor Piglet, by Peter MacMullin. Published in the Sunday Mail on May 3, 2009.

wow.

Recently I was reading Style magazine from our local paper and read an article about an amazing company in town called Vera & Rose. The lady who runs it was at the party today and recognised me from when I went to TAFE with her... it was a few years ago so I didn't feel bad about not recognising her! She's a florist who works from home and also plans and manages events (baby showers, weddings etc) It's a very small world and in the town that I live life is much smaller ;)

Reading her site today I was directed to another blog which had some of the most amazing images on it: yes, they're of a wedding (she is a wedding planner) but I'm posting them regardless of the connotation just because they're so amazing. The First. The Second. Beautiful things should be celebrated - words, images, events and people.

To top off a lovely day my Rugby team caining one of the best teams in the league - Go Reds GO! I haven't had cause to celebrate my team in a while so it's well worth mentioning here - perhaps more so than the above :D

Why I go AWOC....

Why is there so little anxiety to get time to pray? It is the want of these solitary hours that not only injures our own growth in grace but makes us such unprofitable members of the church of Christ,and that renders our lives useless.

It is not in society - even Christian society - that our soul grows most rapidly and vigorously. In one single quiet hour of prayer it will often make more progress than in days of company with others. It is in the desert that dew falls freshest and the air is purest. So with the soul. it is when none but God is nigh; when His presence alone, like the desert air in which there is mingled no noxious breath of man, surrounds and pervades the soul; it is then that the eye gets the clearest, simplest view of eternal certainties; it is then that the soul gathers in wondrous refreshment and power and energy.

And so it is also in this way that we become truly useful to others. It is when coming out fresh from communication with God that we go forth to do His work successfully.

Horatius Bonar, Words to Winners of Souls
Reading for February 17th (read a day late!)
Celtic Daily Prayer: Prayers and Readings from the Northumbria Community

(thanks Steve for my pressie!!)

Catharsis

Catharsis is a Greek word meaning "purification", "purging", "cleansing" or "clarification." (according to Wikipedia)

I'm in need of it. Every definition above, in need.

Thankfully, the weekend is coming and for a night and a bit I'm going AWOC (away without communication) to get this from the Lord, and to spend time on the sermon I'm preaching in 3 weeks.

Catharsis. I can't wait.

Timothy and Barnabas but lacking Paul...

I got home tonight thinking about the concept alluded to above - that of mentoring.

After googling what a friend mentioned on the need in our lives for a Timothy, Barnabas and Paul (and the fact that we should be that to others) I got thinking again about the lack in my life of a Mentor - of a Paul.

http://daletedder.blogspot.com/2008/05/who-is-your-paul-barnabas-and-timothy.html

The concept (as outlined a bit in the above link and on many others when you google "paul timothy barnabas mentoring") is this: We have someone that mentors us (Paul) We have someone that walks the road with us (Barnabas) We have someone that we mentor (Timothy), and vise versa - "Basically, we need to be a Paul, Barnabas, and Timothy and to have a Paul, Barnabas, and Timothy."

I got home tonight from being a Paul - or at least something that is developing into that with three girls who I've made myself available to. Tonight was the first night that we got together since they graduated and, to my surprise, have asked if we could make it a regular fortnightly thing.

While this is good, it reinforces something that I've been thinking about for the past two years: I need a Paul.

Gasp moments

I watched the first episode of a program last night where one of the main characters dies... throughout the episode, over the following weeks and months, every now and then one of the remaining characters would suddenly remember and have what I would term a “gasp moment”. That often sickening moment where one remembers something that happens, and you feel the shock/pain/emotion of it all over again. You live your life normally, but every now and then IT hits.

I’ve been having a few of these Moments lately, especially today. When one is tired I think they hit more. The unreality we construct for ourselves in hopes and dreams can’t be sustained when other faculties are strained.

I don’t think though that these Moments are always bad. They can remind us that things we were working towards can no longer be, thus reinforce the need to move on. They can strengthen our resolve. They’re not necessarily pleasant moments, but they’re not bad for us.

Sneaking around the corner

I wish life was easy. I have friends who tell me it's ok when it all gets confusing because then it makes life interesting - I reckon that life is interesting regardless. It's interesting enough seeing dew on the grass, an unexpected thing in the day that makes you smile, a seemingly unsolvable problem that you work out... a whole range of things - but messiness and angst and ick?!? Spare me please! It's fun when you know that it's all going to end up well - otherwise I have enough things at work alone to make me stressed or sad or angry without asking for more.

3 days out of 7 I wonder which way is up. I hate feeling that way. Hate feeling fragile - hate others suffering and not being able to help them. Hate being afraid of hurting people. Hate not feeling I can be myself (or wondering who that is). Hate feeling angry over matters which are out of my control and I'm too scared to trust God with them.

The thing that gets me is this - I've been asked to preach at the Sunday service of a woman's camp. I said yes yesterday. Me - messed up me. It's a huge thing and I didn't say yes lightly (just in case you were wondering...). The person who asked me knows me pretty well - knows a lot of my faults and failings and still felt to ask, still wanted me to share God's Word.

What's really heartening though is that God still keeps on believing in me. Believing in us. Giving us chances and opportunities that scare the wits out of us and cause us to keep on falling back into His arms. Keep on falling back (think a really soft feather bed lying behind us that is safe and secure and envelops you completely when you land upon it) into the One who loves us so much that He died for us. The one who says "Run the race" with the knowledge that we can - even when we doubt ourselves. He never doubts us.

I don't know anyone that has life all together. We can pretend all we want that our 2 hours of "this is right and all makes sense" is actually how our whole life is. Kids get sick, parents get older, jobs get lost, dinner gets burnt, cars need repair, brains get foggy with too much to think of - life can be difficult - and I'm praying that what God gives me to share in a month's time is real. That it doesn't bring focus to me, or to events, or to anything else other than God. And as I seek to bring His light, may I also bring the reality of the tension in which we live, and God's redeeming mercy throughout it all.

Streeetttcchheeedd... and more flexible than prevously thought

I'm home. I'm safe. I'm still going through in my mind one of the most challenging experiences in my life.

I'm very tempted to go into the aspects of this challenge, but due to specifics which would need to be mentioned I won't - suffice it to say that I've often wondered if I would have the patience to be a mom and not lose my temper and continue to love and show love - tonight proved that I have more patience and can express an even temper far better than I ever thought possible. While I still have my doubts, I've experienced first hand God's grace in parenting (or pseudo parenting) situations. I can also perform first aid on a screaming, overtired child on the side of a highway.

I've been thinking a lot about Romans 5:3-5:

³Moreover [let us also be full of joy now!] let us exult and triumph in our troubles and rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that pressure and affliction and hardship produce patient and unswerving endurance. ⁴And endurance (fortitude) develops maturity of character (approved faith and tried integrity). And character [of this sort] produces [the habit of] joyful and confident hope of eternal salvation. ⁵Such hope never disappoints or deludes or shames us, for God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit Who has been given to us.

In one situation where I consider this verse I'm encouraged, because I know that the suffering one person I dearly love is going through lines up with what this scripture says. And they're able to handle it better than they could have because of experiences in the past. Yes, it's hard. Yes I've never seen this person suffering as they are now. I've never had to carry the load for them in the way I am now - yes, it's heartbreaking, but I can stand in confidence on this verse and many others in my prayers - that they would be encouraged and uplifted and redeemed...

In the other situation which is on my heart so much tonight, I can't see any application for this scripture. The participants are too young. The experience that they're going through too painful to contemplate and I am far from being able to see any good in it or coming from it...

The thing is - both situations impacted my afternoon and evening and God was in that and helped me learn things I would never have otherwise.... so really, I should be encouraged - but instead, while I'd love to say something happy and uplifting - the truth of the matter is... well.... tonight I'd sell a hug for 5c, and I'm about 12 hours off rejoicing in my, or anyone else's suffering.

No need for anyone to comment on this post!

i wish i could make everything better i wish you never had to experience pain that i can only imagine i wish i could shield you and that you would know how much i love you one day when you're old enough we'll talk about it i hope by then i'll won't be another example in your life of failed commitment i hope soon that you'll start to laugh and play without the weight of sadness that you carry with you everywhere i'll fly anywhere to give you a hug for free

always worshiping...

Right now each one of us is worshiping. It doesn't matter if you're "religious" or not... we're all worshiping. So writes Harold Best, the author of Unceasing Worship (the link also includes the ability to download an excerpt). It's based upon that idea that God is constantly outpouring of himself, his goodness, love, justice, mercy etc... and thus man as Imago Dei (the image of God) reflects that outpouring back in worship.

A teacher at my school shared this concept today and elaborated to say that that if we have a problem with sin or habitual sin, the chances it is occurring when we are worshiping something other than God. It made a lot of sense to me - issues in my life, and areas that aren't quite right - when I look at what's behind them it's not always what I'm doing that's really wrong, but rather the focus (or the reason behind why I'm doing what I'm doing) that's off. I'm worshiping pride, self-sufficiency, lust, comfort... any number of things other than God. I'm worshiping creation or a facet of creation rather than the Creator. And we all do it all the time. Whatever we're worshiping outworks itself into visible aspects of our lives.

When we sin Best states the following:

When we sin, worship does not stop. It changes directions and reverts back to what it once was [after the fall], even if only for an instant. Repentance— the turning from and (re)turning to—is the only solution.

We are constantly worshiping. When we're watching TV we're worshiping .. something. When we're talking to friends we're worshiping... something. When we're working - worshiping. Shopping - worshiping. Singing - worshiping. Laughing - worshiping, exercising, loving, crying, painting, reading.. you get the idea. Sometimes we're worshiping God, sometimes we're not.

There's a lot more to this concept that I haven't said and if you're interested I'd encourage you to read the articles available on the link above.

When it all hits the fan...

2 people who are very close to me are going through some huge things at the moment.... and it's all hitting the fan.

In one case I've made the effort to keep the relationship with the other party - dropped by a six pack of beer that they like and had a good chat on the phone for an hour or so, letting them know there's no hard feelings and that I was glad for them and the next journey they were stepping out into (note: not a romantic break-up but a business one). My friend was cool with this and encouraged it.

In the second case things aren't quite so simple. I find myself struggling with not holding a secondary offence, and wanting to head in to fight on behalf of this person with vengeance. I know we're not supposed to hold grudges, that the act of doing so is not only detrimental to our health but also our walk with God. I know that God is the only one who has the right to judge... but still... there's a big part of me that goes "mess with my ____ and you mess with me" I want to be GI Jane in the situation.

Unfortunately, that would be the worst thing I could do. So what am I left with...? the familiar theme echos in my ears "trust and pray" "trust and pray"

Pushing Through

For the past two days I've been having quite a few "pushing through" moments - times where all within me (apart from some small whisper of encouragement) is saying "you can't do this" and feeling the anxiety and doubt levels rising close to the point of considering quitting.

It wasn't just learning to ride a motorcycle, which in and of itself had its own huge challenges (FYI today I transitioned from the parking lot to riding 80Km on the road and riding through Brisbane's suburban streets :), looking back over this weekend the moment which had the most personal achievement for me was in my hotel room last night.

My hotel room was reasonably dodgy (i.e. cheap and fairly nasty by Australian standards), and I'd been fleetingly considering sleeping in my car rather than staying there (silly I know!). I'd just hung up from talking to a friend on the phone when I realised that my phone battery was very, very low. So here I was, about to go to sleep, remembering the fact that I didn't tell anyone where I was staying or what suburb or what company I was doing my course through and freaking myself out that if something did happen in the night that I wasn't kosher with I couldn't phone anyone - and, if something happened during my ride the next day, how would I let people know?? and, and, and!!

Instead of giving into my emotion I stopped. I prayed. and I felt convicted as to who/what my trust was in. My trust shouldn't have been in my phone. My trust shouldn't have been in the people I could contact through it. My trust shouldn't have been in the security of my surroundings. My trust should have been, and should always be in, regardless of and especially in scary situations, God. It was amazing how once this conviction came and I repented how quickly I got to sleep and slept through the night (until the building alarm sounded at 6:20am). While I often work through things with God, this, for reasons that are hard to explain was entirely different - it was like moving up to an entirely new and bigger level.

Positive Self talk is a powerful tool - I heard my fellow Learners discussing it all day, it can enable us to Push Through when otherwise we might not.
Negative Self Talk can be disastrous, I know this very well from experience. It can very effectively stop us from Pushing Through.
However, this weekend's lesson of stopping to listen to God's voice, instead of any talk going through my own head - priceless, and worth all the scary experiences.