Sneaking around the corner

I wish life was easy. I have friends who tell me it's ok when it all gets confusing because then it makes life interesting - I reckon that life is interesting regardless. It's interesting enough seeing dew on the grass, an unexpected thing in the day that makes you smile, a seemingly unsolvable problem that you work out... a whole range of things - but messiness and angst and ick?!? Spare me please! It's fun when you know that it's all going to end up well - otherwise I have enough things at work alone to make me stressed or sad or angry without asking for more.

3 days out of 7 I wonder which way is up. I hate feeling that way. Hate feeling fragile - hate others suffering and not being able to help them. Hate being afraid of hurting people. Hate not feeling I can be myself (or wondering who that is). Hate feeling angry over matters which are out of my control and I'm too scared to trust God with them.

The thing that gets me is this - I've been asked to preach at the Sunday service of a woman's camp. I said yes yesterday. Me - messed up me. It's a huge thing and I didn't say yes lightly (just in case you were wondering...). The person who asked me knows me pretty well - knows a lot of my faults and failings and still felt to ask, still wanted me to share God's Word.

What's really heartening though is that God still keeps on believing in me. Believing in us. Giving us chances and opportunities that scare the wits out of us and cause us to keep on falling back into His arms. Keep on falling back (think a really soft feather bed lying behind us that is safe and secure and envelops you completely when you land upon it) into the One who loves us so much that He died for us. The one who says "Run the race" with the knowledge that we can - even when we doubt ourselves. He never doubts us.

I don't know anyone that has life all together. We can pretend all we want that our 2 hours of "this is right and all makes sense" is actually how our whole life is. Kids get sick, parents get older, jobs get lost, dinner gets burnt, cars need repair, brains get foggy with too much to think of - life can be difficult - and I'm praying that what God gives me to share in a month's time is real. That it doesn't bring focus to me, or to events, or to anything else other than God. And as I seek to bring His light, may I also bring the reality of the tension in which we live, and God's redeeming mercy throughout it all.