Standing

After an incredible day out with my best mate, we came back to my place for a cup of tea - in doing so I checked my email and was shocked by an email that was sitting in my work account. It was, without a doubt, an email out of the blue from someone I haven't had contact with in at least 7 years, and haven't been in a relationship with for 10.

I was glad that my best mate was there, she read it - went "this can't be real" and promptly rang her dad for him to read the email and ensure that I didn't reply in haste. Even now, after some time since reading it I still feel like I'm reeling - not only because it's something that has left me feeling like I'm 17 again with all the angst of an event I blamed myself for, but because I wonder if I'm fit to have any relationship in light of my relationship history.

In a service tonight though I heard the hymn "my hope is built on nothing less" and I currently have Delirious's version of it on repeat in the background on my iPod. The words remind me that it's not about me. He has taken away all the shame I felt about that relationship, how I didn't handle it well and that I can stand in Christ, redeemed, sheltered and loved. Most of all, loved.

Yes, voices from our past can come back in real time, but I'm thankful for the voices of friends that keep reminding me of the truth. I'm also just praying for a person that was once very close to me and has been through some very, very tough things.

I am also thankful that while I don't feel like much else can happen at the moment or many more rugs pulled from under me, I'm dancing on the shifting carpet much better than I used to...

"My Hope is Built on Nothing Less"
by Edward Mote, 1797-1874

1. My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus' blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus' name.
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

2. When darkness veils His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace;
In every high and stormy gale
My anchor holds within the veil.
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

3. His oath, His covenant, and blood
Support me in the whelming flood;
When every earthly prop gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

4. When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh, may I then in Him be found,
Clothed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne!
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

Hymn #370
The Lutheran Hymnal
Text: 1 Timothy 1:1
Author: Edward Mote, c. 1834, cento
Composer: John Stainer, 1873, arr.
Tune: "Magdalen"

Being Fed

Sunday nights at one of the Irish pubs in town is $6 porterhouse steak and chips night. A really, really good steak, cooked the way I like it and with $2 veggies that are enough to share with three people a very, very nice feed. What makes it so great though is the company in which I share this meal on Sunday nights - my folks. It's becoming a regular thing to head out with them and chat while we eat over our pints of Kilkenny (me), Guinness (dad) and glass of red (mom).

One of the things that we chatted about tonight was the sermons which I listen to on a very regular basis from HTB (Holy Trinity Brompton). These sermons, (which I'm sure I refer to often!) are an amazing source of encouragement, challenge and edification to me. What I love so much about them though is the perspective and life which they bring from so many areas. The vastness of the HTB ministry brings a depth which is truly unique, without losing track of the main thing being the main thing.

HTB sermons for me is also such a huge need in my life right now because I've been very irregular in my own church attendance. This is something that I find very difficult, because I believe that we do need a community in which to live our our Christianity. Yes, I'm very regular at my home group - but Sunday church is becoming a once a fortnight affair (and sometimes less than that). The reasons behind this are clear to me - and something that I'm working on - but again, what is so great is that I can talk about this with my folks... and be released by them saying "it's ok - we know it's just for a season".

On this Sunday night I'm feeling very well fed - in body and spirit.

p.s. the soundtrack to this post is Powderfinger's live concert from the other week :) It was awesome that they recorded the concert and sold the cd at the end of it!

C-Day

Today was my C-Day, also known as "the day of confrontation". I went to bed last night praying that today would be skipped and that I would wake up in time for running class on Saturday.

Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, I woke up as per usual this morning and whilst I lay in bed longer than is good when one wants to get to work on time, got to work. Work wasn't the hard thing about today, the hard thing, the C thing was an appointment I had partway through the day where I needed to ask someone for a few thousand dollars back because a specialist had seen the work that they'd completed on me and said a) it was shoddy and b) it needed to be redone c) more work also now needed to be done.

The thing which gets me is this: while I've been praying (and others have been praying more than I have) maybe what God wanted to do in me was deeper than just the healing we've been praying for (although, still praying for that...) maybe the work that God has been doing on my character has been, to him, that's been just as or more important.

On wednesday, the day I saw the specialist, I read the following from Holy Trinity Brompton (and it sums up what I'm getting at better than I could!):

Hard Times

Smith Wigglesworth was a remarkable man. He was born on 8 June 1859 to an impoverished family in Yorkshire. As a small child, he worked in the fields pulling turnips alongside his mother. He also worked in factories. During his childhood he was illiterate. In 1882 he married Polly, who taught him to read. He often stated that the Bible was the only book he ever read.

He was a plumber by trade but had to abandon it after he became too busy with an amazing ministry of preaching and healing. There are even accounts of people being raised from the dead through his ministry. Yet he said on one occasion that he would rather see one person saved through his preaching than ten thousand healed.

Life was not always easy for Smith Wigglesworth. He went through hard times. He wrote, ‘Great faith is a product of great fights. Great testimonies are the outcome of great tests. Great triumphs can only come out of great trials.’

The Bible is very realistic. We live in a fallen world. Everyone goes through hard times. Some people find themselves in circumstances that make life hard pretty much all of the time.

1. Affliction and smears

Psalm 119:65-72

Suffering is never good in itself, but God is able to use it for good. C.S. Lewis said that ‘it is [God’s] megaphone to rouse a deaf world’. The psalmist says, ‘Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I obey your word’ (v.67).

The fact that he was going through hard times did not make him doubt God’s goodness: ‘You are good, and what you do is good; teach me your decrees’ (v.68).

Criticism is never easy to receive. Unfair criticism is even harder. He writes, ‘Though the arrogant have smeared me with lies, I keep your precepts with all my heart’ (v.69). The attack has come from the arrogant, those whose ‘hearts are callous and unfeeling’ (v.70). Yet, in the midst of this, the psalmist finds ‘delight’ in God’s words.

He is able to see that God has actually used his affliction. ‘It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees. The law from your mouth is more precious to me than thousands of pieces of silver and gold’ (vv.71-72).

God sometimes uses ‘affliction’ to build our character. One image used by the New Testament is that of disciplining children. The writer of Hebrews says that ‘Our parents disciplined us for a while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness’ (Hebrews 12:10).

Peter uses a different image: that of a metal worker refining silver and gold. He writes that his readers may all ‘have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials’ (1 Peter 1:6). He goes on to explain why God allows this: ‘These have come so that your faith – of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire – may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honour when Jesus Christ is revealed’ (v.7).

Lord, thank you that as we look back on our lives we can often see the way in which you have used the hard times. Thank you that we do not need to be concerned when we are ‘smeared with lies’. Thank you that we need not be surprised by the arrogant, whose hearts are callous and unfeeling. Rather, they should drive us closer to you and cause us to delight in your words. Thank you Lord that the words of your mouth are more precious than thousands of pieces of silver and gold.

Second Opinions

Today I got a second opinion. An opinion from someone who was a specialist in an area which I needed advice on work completed, and direction as to what steps needed to be taken. While the advice provided was good, the follow through action is difficult. It involves confrontation, an explanation of why something isn't barely adequate and confidence.

I'm not great on confrontation - when it's on behalf of someone else I'm comfortable, and at times even calculated - when it's personal, I'm not so good.

So when we have an event where we do need to step up to the plate, how is it best handled? When one has sought to act with integrity and trusted others through a difficult process, how does one best behave when that trust is broken and compensation needs to occur?

I don't quite know... all I know is that life seems to be getting bigger with every day.

Carried in the moment

Over the past week I've really felt "carried". There have been some big things going on, and big days too - for example tomorrow, in addition to starting the day with a 6am training session I have a specialists appointment and a meeting with my course coordinator regarding a 300 hour subject I've started (to finish in 7 weeks while working full time...). Days are currently filled and work has more to do than time to do it in.

I'm very much aware of needing to keep my eyes in the now, because if I don't, I'm swamped in a feeling of an overwhelming thick cloud.

The coming months will bring huge change in my life, and, the possibility of more change! All of this known change is good (and so too is the possible change), I've resigned my job, am moving and will be looking for a new church, new home group, new job and place to live (with my lovely dog!). Add into that all the things that need to happen prior to moving, like finishing well at work, packing and at some stage having a holiday...

Despite the overwhelm, I'm so glad for the journey and am looking forward to the days to come. I'm encouraged to make time to get away, "be" and focus. To enjoy the simple things and yet keep "the main thing the main thing". So, if I'm not blogging (and have been slack on blogging) it's not because things are bad, it's just that things are big.

I definitely feel "carried in the moment" but when I start to look ahead, like Peter, begin to drown. Here's to keep on focusing on one step at a time... or even the step I'm taking?

which path

The end of this year will be the beginning of a large transition in my life. What is both daunting and exciting as I start to think about this though is that I'm not sure what is next...

• Do I make my role a profession and enter a higher up role within a larger firm in a big city
• Do I move to something not for profit with beliefs and visions which match my own, and provide a base for things I'd like to do later in life
  
• Do I change roles and enter something in training and developing adult learners
• Do I...??

I'm at the stage where I want to know which path is right, but in the mean time am just knocking on all of the doors to see which one opens!

"It's coming round again
The slowly creeping hand
Of time and its command
Soon enough it comes
and settles in its place
Its shadow in my face
Puts pressure in my day

This life well it's slipping right through my hands
These days turned out nothing like I had planned"

These are some of the lyrics to a band that I went to see on Saturday night. It was a brilliant concert, but I can't get these lyrics and tune out of my head at the moment.... because they're so true. These days are turning out nothing like I had planned.

I have no other words than those this evening.