overwhelmed, exhausted and mentally drained

don't expect anything out of me for at least until the end of the school term in a week's time

Jetlagged but thankful thoughts...

I said to my brother Jonno that I was shattered when speaking to him this afternoon and his comment was "why? you've only traveled 3,000km!" ... actually, it's over 8,000km in under 48 hours so I guess I have reason if this blog isn't exactly.. well... entirely making sense as much as I'd want it to.

I can't say how pleased I am that I made the trip this weekend to Auckland. My time with my Nan was incredibly special. A precious time where she shared stories of her childhood, my father growing up, and perhaps the most personally special... she remembered me. Nan had a really good day and I'm so thankful for that.

Other highlights of the trip were spending time with Steve, meeting all his friends (I was so vicariously popular! "Steve's sister! - Steve's sister is here!!!". I think some of the greatest things that can happen when you meet friends of someone that means so much to you is a) they are warm and welcoming b) you have fun with them too c) you think that they're great people and are stoked that they have such great friends and d) they can't say enough good things about that person!

Spending time with Brenda and David was great too and I'm looking forward to spending more when I get there in Christmas.

It was great too seeing mom and dad, and being picked up at the airport by Mom in Brenda's Z3 BMW :) - I do want one of those!

Looking forward to Christmas in NZ...

There's so much more that I wanted to write in this, but I think that will come when I'm less exhausted.

Flying away... litterally!

My favourite character ever penned was that of a hobbit, and at the moment I feel very hobbitish… As Gandalf says, "You can learn all that there is to know about [hobbits’] ways in a month, and yet after a hundred years they can still surprise you at a pinch" – read in context that sentence describes me at this point.

I’m having one of those surprise you at a pinch moments… you see… I’m sitting in the Airport Lounge about to get on a plane to NZ after a call this morning (before my first cup of tea no less!) to say that the family in NZ had been told to “prepare” the relatives for my Nan passing away.

My Nan (who is the only one that calls me Beth) has been asking every time we talk “when are you coming to see me”, and I’ve never been able to make it – or never thought I could, so I planned to be there for Christmas. Now, knowing that there may not be too many days left, I’ve realised how easy it is just to pick up and be somewhere if you feel you need to be.

I’m incredibly blessed by my boss who released me to leave work early and encouraged me to “get on the next available flight” instead of leaving tomorrow.

No idea what lies ahead (hopefully a safe landing!) but I know that making this effort is right. In any case, I get to see my brother before Christmas and I've also got a party lined up for tomorrow night with his mates - Thanks Steve :)

Blogging by Mail Mystery: Solved :)

I got a very odd package from Hawaii today... funny thing is, I don't know anyone in Hawaii and my Blogging by Mail person is from Minnesota... no note inside... just three scrabble pendants and a necklace! nothing else :-O

Have just solved the mystery though thanks the the comment left on my last blog! THANK YOU Ms. Satsuki Rebel for your lovely gifts and I'm SO sorry that the items you bought got rejected by our Customs over here!

... and yes, slightly behind on the blogging... suffice it to say: Busy.

Thread Counts and Convicting Coffee Club Chats

I had a very interesting afternoon following work today.

To begin with I was late to meet up with a friend who works as a PA within another school here in town. Our schools have often had what can be termed a "friendly" rivalry. It's great to beat them in things, and because we are focused at a similar target audience it can be a bit competitive. This afternoon though I was really convicted by the fact that both our schools exist to glorify God in and through our students. We should be helping each other. We should be encouraging each other. Rejoicing in each others successes and supporting through the trials.

A thought to consider and act upon.

I then went grocery shopping and got sidetracked (note to self: in future buy groceries afterwards or at least don't by heavy items if any possibility of being distracted on way to car) by a sale at a linen store. I have needed a new quilt set for a very long time - I either choose my pre-twenties days sets (including quilt that is horridly moulting feathers) or just sheets (which leads to the unfortunate current circumstance of adding sleeping bags when I get cold. Anyway, I finally found a set that I really liked and then went to another shop (Myer) for an even more fabulous sale where I got the quilt cover and two funky pillows of the same set all for less than the price of the original quilt price (gotta love 50% off)... it's white with texture in the shape of leaves - sounds odd but simply elegant and stunning... best thing is that I'll be able to decorate it nicely with throws etc.. anyway all of this to say:

Single people are deprived!

I've always been of the opinion that while you're single you should stick to a single bed because then you don't get used to the space of a bigger bed that you don't have to share and get a rude shock when you do share it! unless of course you just go with a double and then when married move up to a king :)

AGAIN I WANDER... single people are deprived because luxury thread count sheets don't come in single bed sizes :(

Top Show

I've become a fan of Top Gear Australia and nearly fell off my chair laughing during the current episode where they took a tractor in to the heart of Melbourne to show SUVs how it felt to be smaller and more manageable than some beefy vehicle that you feel like screaming at.. what made it hilarious was when parallel parking they crushed a Saab behind it... classic viewing.

If you live in Aussie land I highly encourage your viewing, even if you're not a motor head (I certainly am not).

A Satisfying Weekend

This weekend I have dug up a tree, killed numerous bugs, saved some worms from being eaten by fish and may have planted some herbs only to die...

That's right - I've planted a herb garden

I have no idea though after doing so how on earth vegetarians can have clear consciouses - the amount of bugs that die in creating those gardens. I feel like a murder knowing that my spade work killed many such bugs as shown.

After planning a herb garden for years it is very satisfying to have completed this endeavor, however scared I am that I'll soon kill off this weekend's hard work.

Lucky Timing

Due to a mistake on behalf of lastminute.com.au I haven't been able to use my credit/debit account since Saturday evening. To cut a long story short they billed me twice for my tickets to NZ and I'm $1400 out of pocket until it can be reversed tomorrow...

I was craving a green chicken curry this evening and realised that I had no rice! (something unheard of in my house) Considering I'd spent all my loose change on other incidentals I was going to have to forgo my dinner dish for something less dishy... until I remembered! I hadn't cashed in a $7 instant win :)

So up I walked to the store and purchased not only some rice, but some milk with coins to spare!

The smell of dinner cooking is delightful and whilst I've been horribly inconvenienced, making do and pinching pennies (when I know the situation isn't long term) has been an adventure which I've rather enjoyed.

She was right

My best friend said just last week that she always knew when something quite specific happened because I'd be down afterwards... I laughed at the time thinking "that's not true!"... but it is.

This specific something happened this past weekend and again I'm doing the whole cognitive therapy again... picking myself up and challenging those thoughts that come to mind. constantly.

Miss Morissette speaks so much truth, encapsulating my current emotions not only in Simple Together but here in the lyrics to You Learn:

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn

I pray I'm learning.

Departed church in the middle of the service. Overwhelmed by the amount of people. I like home.

A day to myself

I have had the most fabulous day.

After driving mom to the airport I took the train into the city. The train journey was great - kind of summed up everything that Brisbane is for me in one journey. Brisbane isn't the hustle and bustle of Sydney. It's not the cafe and concert culture of Melbourne (nor is it as cold). Brisbane is happy to be and stay what it is - it speaks out what it is wherever you are - like on the train - "come, stay with me - I choose to be slow - I don't do the high speed rail thing, I'm summer days and river walks, yes I've got the high rise buildings and the city suits but I'm so much more.. come... you'll love me - and if you don't I don't care"

That's what Brisbane says and I love it.

My train journey was serenaded by the dulcet tones of the guy's iPod Nano next to me belting out Jazz tunes that were distorting due to playing so loud and seen through the eyes of two German backpackers who were exclaiming at the sights in a language I did not understand but could comprehend.

The rest of my day was spent shopping and treating myself to some fabulous shoes and designer tops that make me feel pretty.

I've just finished a phone date with Lou (a wonderful girlfriend from Hong Kong living on the Coast) and am going to heat up my leftovers from last night and pop open a beer!

A guy asking for donations on the street in Brisbane wished me the following today after I said hello to him "I hope the rest of your weekend makes your working week worthwhile" - I reckon that's happened.

Running on instinct

I don't believe the sun comes up at this hour! I'm about to take mom to the airport in Brisbane and have the day in the big city.

My nephew came around last night and I guess I just need to get the following thought out. When I was young I had a lot of schools due to my parent's travel as missionaries. My nephew is now in Grade 4 and he's had 6 different schools because of relationship changes that have affected his life (his dad, my brother, and his mum got divorced before he started school)... I wonder how many other kids have gone through this trauma.

an early morning thought that I'm left wondering as we drive away.

(: woops :)

I was due for a bit of an embarrassing moment. Not that I don't have a couple of these each day, however, most of them I just laugh off and forget about - this one - well, let's just say it's gone public!

I just booked my flight to NZ online and forgot to change one little tab - the Miss is not there - the Miss is missing - the miss has been replaced with a ... mistake :)

If I believed in Karma I think this would be payback from having way too much fun beating my niece and nephew at mini golf last week!

Green Eyes

Warning: Personal blog
Sharing due to my blog's quest to be honest
Even if it makes me look bad

I wouldn't classify myself as the jealous type. I hate it when I am because I should be happy for someone rather than being envious. I would rather be content in whatever my own circumstance.

Today I've been struggling with a green eyed jealousy that simply isn't nice - worse - it's due to a situation that I should be rejoicing over. The event is sweeter because of the struggle that the people have been through.

What's more, I wonder how far I've come and if I've grown at all since I wrote the blog Blessed Be Your Name. It's been six months since I wrote that blog and today the couple I wrote of announced their engagement. Hence the struggle with envy.

Really though it's not envy of the situation, but rather envy of them - that they were able to work it out - that they were mature enough to have come this far - that they don't have to go through the whole "finding someone" ever again.

You see, today has been preceded by a week of realising again how many mistakes I made, how wrong I was so many times, thinking of what I could have done to make things work before it all fell apart and knowing that there was a lot I should have done but wasn't mature enough to.

Yes, I am jealous. But even more than that, I'm sorry.

"Dream"

I bought a painting tonight entitled "Dream" - it's an acrylic done on two vinyl records. Black and white tree and girl holding a brown mixed media lace umbrella... simple yet effective.

Aside from the style of the piece I really enjoyed what the artist had to say about the work:

"This painting was inspired by a song that I heard earlier this year. The lines that caught my attention were, 'I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me... I had a dream that I could fly from the highest tree. I had a dream.'"

While I've never heard of this song before, I've just googled it and discovered that it too is entitled "Dream" and is by Priscilla Ahn. The full lyrics are below, listening and reading them I'm really pleased that not only do I identify with the picture I also identify with the song it's based upon. (well, maybe not the third verse but I hope to one day!)

I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest swing.
I had a dream.

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest tree.
I had a dream.

Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave.
I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing.

I had a dream

Ironically, reading her bio she's also from Pennsylvania... that's two times today. God only knows for I certainly do not... But I have just become am a fan of Miss Ahn so that's all that matters tonight!

The Theology of the Body

I started today a CD series on Pope John Paul II's Theology of the Body.

It's deep. It's confronting. It's looking at where you've stuffed up in the past, and what your current issues are with new eyes... but in that place of falling short, not being condemned, but being renewed (or that's the plan at least).

Mind you, I've only just finished the first CD... and in honesty, while the rewards seem great, there is still a massive journey to undergo. I've made some rather large stuff ups in the reams of what this Theology is about, at times I've lusted instead of loved (although I can honestly say that I did love too).

Ironically, I just found out that the speaker on this series, Christopher West, hails and teaches out of his base in Lancaster, PA. God only knows why I keep on hearing or reading about that city and state a couple of times a week from different sources, God only knows.

... what also sucks is looking on the site and finding the CD set I paid $80 for is free to download!... or part thereof at least - the download seems tailored at Protestants instead of Catholics whereas mine is from a Catholic retreat. I guess some of the phrasing would be different but it's not, and shouldn't be taught as a singular Catholic theology, as Mr West says - it's universal.

Facing the Facts, but thankful for them

I went to have a look at "My" house this afternoon. Before that though I had a visit to my Mortgage Broker and thankfully heard that my Credit Rating was perfect (this was the horrid feeling I encountered yesterday after my Nanna Nap - I had no idea what it was, and had never before actually cared).

The sad thing about my visit to my Broker was that my borrowing capacity is a bit less than I thought = which means that the house I went to visit is a few grand outside of my budget. sigh. While online agents will loan the amount I need, I've also decided I just don't want to loan that much.

At the end of the day though, as I reflect, I'm not too downhearted. In fact, I'm thankful. I'm thankful that my goals are now clearer. I'm thankful that a friend has already said she'd live with me should I buy a place (which would help any mortgage) and I'm thankful that I know about my credit rating.

Yes, I still like the house more than any I've seen, but that's ok too... whatever will be will be, and neither my money, nor my days are my own.

I have no idea

I woke from my Sunday "nanna nap" with a horrid feeling.

So, I've requested a report on what I need to know, and now wait 1 business day to find out the results. I hate waiting, but at least I've done something proactive to find out the answer.

Great news too - my niece and nephew are coming up this evening to stay - YEAH!! I'm going to be Aunty Liz for a few days :)

Adrenaline Rush & A House

It's been a bit since I last blogged and I'm slowly starting to feel more like myself after the flu... have been really quite down and I was seriously thinking of going back to my Dr and getting back on those happy pills.. thankfully there's no need though and the flu is all that was to blame.

I've just gotten home from Journey to the Centre of the Earth at the cinema. I'm very glad for two things

1. That I went alone (for anyone that's ever sat through a scary movie with me you'll know why!)
2. That I didn't go and see the 3D edition down in Brisbane

As it was in 2D I provided a few laughs for people around me with my squirms and one time big scream (*blush*)... it was worth it though and I'm now sitting on a very nice adrenaline rush - yes, the movie was P.G. , which is perhaps one of the reasons why I'd never watch a horror flick.

To pick up on the other point in the title - I'm looking at a house that I really like on Monday to perhaps purchase. I spoke to the agent today and went around just to look at it before I go through the property with him. A neighbor was outside watering her garden and we had a great chat for about 15 minutes about the street and the house and I feel really nice about it.. we shall see though. It's at the top of my price range and I'd like to get it for cheaper.

Food, Flowers and Festival

Tonight, at great surprise to myself, I decided to take up a friend's invitation and head out to the Flower, Food and Wine Festival which is being held as part of our Carnival of Flowers. I got there early, milled around looking at the stalls and had a really fun night (Johnny Diesel was the lead act, and I must admit I only knew 3 of the songs from this 1980's hit artist!).

I'm writing about the event though for one reason - it was an answer to prayer. Not the whole night, although it was a good thing to get me out and socializing with some great friends, but specifically one conversation.

I had a great conversation with someone who I've chatted to a few times before. Each time I'm able to talk about philosophical and theological things that not many other people really discuss (not in my "circle" anyway). Each time I've really enjoy connecting with the other person. What was so good though, and very enjoyable, AND an answer to prayer was this: I've been asking God to give me something to have conviction about. I'm so tossed by this thing that's happening, or that thing... but I don't have a "passion" or cause... or vocation. Something that energizes beyond the laziness.

I want my life to mean something.

Tonight's discussion about C.S. Lewis and The Theology of the Body and Henri Nouwen was refreshing for the one reason that it reminded me what I love about thinking... pure and simple... and more so, what I love about God and the way he has made us to think, and experience, and love, and BE.