Lessons of a dog #1: The fear of unconditional love

I own a dog, or perhaps it would be better to say that a dog is beginning to own me. By way of introduction his name is Jacob (Jake), and named this for the following reasons: as a definition Jacob is a play on the word "heel" and can also mean"he who follows, He's also a mommy's boy and has short hair as like the biblical character. He's a Hungarian Vizsla by breeding and the most gentle and beautiful animal anyone is likely to meet.

With that having been said, I'm a bit freaked out.

You see, he is so lovely. He obeys every word (unless of course he's distracted by his many admirers at the time of the request), and by some instinct knows what is right and how to be good. Never being allowed inside before he understands automatically the mat I've put by the lounge is his to stay on. He comes back from a run in the dog park with his doggy friends whenever asked, plays like a gentleman and above all is amazing with my little niece and nephew.

So why on earth am I freaked?

Because he is so loving and I have always struggled with being loved unless I am doing 110% to make it work. Because if it doesn't work out it will be my fault - he's perfect now - in a month's time if he's not it will be on my head. I couldn't return the love. I'm not responsible enough. I'm too selfish.

Mind you, he's only 10 months old.

I feel a bit messed up this evening after being strong all week - I've been undone by love and am just going to have to learn to go with the flow and ease into this change in lifestyle, instead of 110% earning and getting burnt out. He's going to love me anyway - and if I do stuff up, well, the guilt may just drive me to do better for him ;)

... for I am your servant

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.
-- Psalm 143:8

I have a daily verse sent to my email and in reading this verse tonight I read the whole of Psalm 143. Reading it this evening brought me great encouragement as it too was/is my cry.

In one of the versions (New American Standard see below) the Psalmist speaks in past tense and it's like he's moving into a new phase - this is what I identify with. He talks of what he has been through, how he has felt, his spirit being overwhelmed. This has been me. And yet, now, and I pray I don't speak ahead of time, I feel like I'm coming out of this dark period. My cry is for God's guidance in the way I should go... but before that and beyond that, my trust is in Him regardless.

I've had an encouragement within me all day, a sense of anticipation that while I've felt it for hourly periods has never lasted a whole day... like something really good is happening, even though I don't know what.

May what I have write be true... I feel I'm coming out of the trenches.

Psalm 143 (New American Standard Bible)

Prayer for Deliverance and Guidance.

¹Hear my prayer, O LORD,
Give ear to my supplications!
Answer me in Your faithfulness, in Your righteousness!
²And do not enter into judgment with Your servant,
For in Your sight no man living is righteous.
³For the enemy has persecuted my soul;
He has crushed my life to the ground;
He has made me dwell in dark places, like those who have long been dead.
⁴Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me;
My heart is appalled within me.
⁵I remember the days of old;
I meditate on all Your doings;
I muse on the work of Your hands.
⁶I stretch out my hands to You;
My soul longs for You, as a parched land. Selah.
⁷Answer me quickly, O LORD, my spirit fails;
Do not hide Your face from me,
Or I will become like those who go down to the pit.
⁸Let me hear Your lovingkindness in the morning;
For I trust in You;
Teach me the way in which I should walk;
For to You I lift up my soul.
⁹Deliver me, O LORD, from my enemies;
I take refuge in You.
¹⁰Teach me to do Your will,
For You are my God;
Let Your good Spirit lead me on level ground.
¹¹For the sake of Your name, O LORD, revive me
In Your righteousness bring my soul out of trouble.
¹²And in Your lovingkindness, cut off my enemies
And destroy all those who afflict my soul,
For I am Your servant.

Chaos Encompassed

When we're blindsided by something we're unprepared for, the chaos that ensues is encompassed

When we're all a flutter and not sure what's up and what's down, the chaos within is encompassed

When answers are begging and questions abound, the chaos resulting is encompassed

When we're unsure

When we're hurting

When we're excited

When we're anxious

When we're apprehensive

When we've got butterflys

When we're overwhelmed

When we're tired

When we don't know what someone else is thinking or feeling

When we're human... the mess, the chaos, WE......... are encompassed.

This necklace was a birthday gift from my parents and it reminds me of all the above. We are encompassed fully by God. He understands, He is our Rock and our help, He has the answers, he knows the future... and what does that mean to me? It means I can be myself. I can relax knowing at the end of the day, He's got it all covered.

There's so much more that I feel like writing, and that will come in the next day or two, but for now, wherever you are, be at peace knowing that God has it all encompassed.

Bedtime thoughts

I took a sleeping tablet an hour ago and as it hasn't kicked in yet I thought I'd get rid of some of the remaining adrenaline running through my system with some reflective thoughts on the past weeks and days.

I don't ever think I've worked as hard as I have, especially in the past 5 days. Running around organising things on ground level in 40+ degree heat for 3 days, liaising with schools from around Australia, Principals, Students, members of Parliament, Security Agents, constant questions from delegates, no time to eat a full meal etc. etc. Long hours, not sleeping that well and stressful situations with last minute changes involving huge transportation and venue logistics. It was massive. And I am thankful.

I'm thankful for a few reasons, and I'd love to outline just a few:

Yesterday, we had a schedule change to enable the Conference to attend the Motions of Condolence for the Victorian Bushfire Victims and Queensland Floods. This was, in many people's opinion, one of the most important moments in Australia's history for many years.

Parliamentarians from around Australia standing with Australians, stating we are hurting but we are proud and we are strong. We WILL help those in need. We WILL do what we can to support those who will struggle for many years to come.

I sat outside this session in Parliament House wishing I could be there to join in, to participate, to mourn and a thought came to me "You may not be able to be there yourself, but you've facilitated 275 people to be in an event that they will never forget. In times of tragedy, personal and corporate, they will look back and remember the strength and compassion of their nation from this day. It's ok you're not there yourself" Too right. Thank God it all came together. Thank God these students and teachers, some from Victoria who don't know what they're going back to at home were able to join with Leaders from around Australia, and hear the grief of a nation, and know that they are not alone.

I am thankful for the testimonies of students in how the Conference impacted and encouraged them.

I am thankful for dancing and having fun at the Bush Dance on Sunday night and the wonderful people that I danced with!

I am thankful for amazing speakers who have challenged me - although I wasn't able to listen to many sessions, I was impacted by their lives and want to live the fullness of my humanity.

I am thankful for personal compliments that I recieved - (who ever thought that the word "inflappable" would ever be said in reference to me!) the prayers of support and the strength given by friends.

I was thankful for God giving me a song to sing whenever I think of someone I met. No, there isn't any goss implied in that statement, just a hope and a conviction in the love of my God for whatever may come, with whomever.

I'm exhausted. I am thankful.

Good night.

I'm Back

After an amazing holiday I've been back at work and am now in a conference in Canberra that I've been preparing for a long time.

Life is really, really good and my holiday refreshed me in ways that I'd forgotten about. Considering that work is pretty much all encompassing at the moment I'm looking forward to a bit more down time after the conference to elaborate on some of these things.

I hope you're doing well, wherever you are, and whatever you're doing.

Holidays! - and contact note

Technically I finished work on Friday at 4:10pm , in reality I finished at 12:35pm today trying to tie up some loose ends. Thankfully though I don't have to think about work for the next 3 weeks as I'M ON HOLIDAY!

My first hours of holiday has been jam packed with all those little (and big) things that need to be done before one heads away. It's been great and I'm glad that most of them are now done

I'm stoked to be spending Christmas with Steve before he leaves to live in Canada ~ I'm also really looking forward to a week of no contact down on a remote lake... no internet, no mobile, no nothing... I wonder if I'll survive this technology dearth?

For those who know my mobile number, please be aware that I won't be answering this until 2009 - I'll be in New Zealand from Wednesday until early January and I don't have international roaming. If anything's urgent email me or leave a message on this blog, if you really need to phone email me and I'll try to ring you from Skype or someone else's phone.

Oh.. and if you're waiting on an email reply from me thanks for your patience... I currently I have 248 unread emails and hope to tackle some of that pile tomorrow.

A Pub and A Car - what more could a girl want?

I went to a country pub last night with some mates from work and their husbands - the kind of pub that as you wait in the parking lot for a car you recognise you see a bloke get out of the passenger seat of a holden commodore holding a stubby of VB in one hand and getting a kid out of the back seat with the other... The kind where you state your preference in beer and someone asks "what's a stella?" - thankfully Andrew (Michelle's husband) knew what I was after and was able to get me something similar ... It was a really fun night and I enjoyed letting my hair down with some mates who were courteous enough to walk me to my car and take note of the little things to not make me feel left out as the only single in a group of couples - to have a great night like I did in this situation really speaks loudly of the people I was with.

now... on to the car! I want to buy a car. Having the Magna whilst my parents have been out of the country has made me realise that I just can't go back to the old Camry... so I've been looking and reading and I think I know what I want :) I'm really enjoying driving and would rather like to continue the experience

While a Mini Cooper is fun (and possible - there's a very cute one at a dealership now)... I think I want a Subaru WRX (Ironically my brother just sold his :() all wheel drive, a wee bit of grunt, stunning as all get out and a whole lot of fun to drive. And what, with petrol under 90c a liter I think I may just do it when I get back from NZ! Why not have a wee bit of fun like this as my policeman friend (again, Michelle's husband) said to me last night at the pub - when you're young and don't have to have a certain type of car to suit your family life now's the time to do it.

It's all part of letting my hair down - and liking who God has made me
I'm really enjoying the freedom thing

They're just books... right?

Everything is permissible for me"—but not everything is beneficial.

Accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgment on disputable matters. One man's faith allows him to eat everything, but another man, whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables.

I've been AWOL for a while - stressed - pressured - needing release. Enjoying being by myself while I'm not at work - recovering, doing what I want, relishing in the joy of being happy to be alone and loving the freedom that is ours. (like going to Billy Joel and letting my hair down)

Last night and this morning though I realised the truth of the two scriptures above. I have a weakness in areas of my life that should not be fed or condoned, especially while stressed and tired. Two such weaknesses were fed a great deal with a series of 4 books that I picked up and read in less than a week - finishing at 11:50pm last night... I literally could not put them down.

In retrospect though... all things were not beneficial.

All "Danger Will Robinson, Danger!" signs went out the window as I relished in the story. As I lived the story.

For one, the books were written in the first person from a female's perspective, and they were first and foremost a romance - every kiss she had, every thought that went through her mind, every experience in her life, every desire and dream, every word that was spoken was as if experienced by me - I haven't read a book or books as the case may be that affected me like this - to the extent that after I turned the final page all night I couldn't sleep tossing and turning, reliving the events as if they had happened to me - reality was skewed - the voices in my head not my own but the characters that I'd heard while reading. I gave up at 3am took half a sleeping pill and phoned my folks in NZ only to wake up again at 5:30.. sigh... The book wasn't graphic - but hey.. let's be honest - we all have an imagination and mine ran far away from reality.

For two - The stories were great - I love a good action/romance and I really relished being able to read something a little more "angsty relationship wise" for the first time in well... a LONG time. They were however a wee bit dark being about vampires and the heroine desiring to become one as her relationship with her vampire boyfriend/fiance/husband progresses - there were parts that I identified with and perhaps the story was just too involving for me - too inviting.

For three - I have a dark side - while at school I was toyed with the idea of wicca and am attracted to the supernatural stories of Feist, Eddings, Jordan, Paolini, Rowling and while not so overt (but hugely loved) Tolkien & Lewis. There's a great fascination in these stories for me and I know to keep from reading them back to back as I tend to get lost in the story.

For four - I wanted to get lost - I wanted to forget - I wanted to forget about life for a while and be entertained

For five - well... I guess you get the picture by now.

You may also be wondering why on earth I'm writing this or being so personal about it - for goodness sakes it was just a book - PG in terms of graphic descriptions compared to what can be found out there - it's for teenagers! Yes - I am older than a teenager, but I also have weaknesses, fault lines, temptations that perhaps make this alright for a teenager to read but not me. More inviting than actually going out and getting in a relationship - why not just pretend - why not get lost in something that is fantasy, because it sure is a whole lot more fun then I've been. I'm a Christian, I love Jesus, but what if... what if I was in her place?

Why not? Because sometimes things just aren't that good for you. Yeah - you're just reading a book that's just a fairytale - but things like this can have teeth (excuse the pun) that can affect you more than you anticipated.

I'm writing this because I'm not alone. We all have weaknesses and we all have strengths - and we need to be honest with ourselves and each other as to what they are.

Sitting in Not for Sale Seats

Last night was un-freaking-believable!

One of my favorite musicians for a very long time has been Billy Joel - thanks to my brother, Andrew for introducing me to his songs at an early age, I became a fan firstly because he was and then because I actully really liked the music.

When I saw that Billy Joel would be in Brisbane I was so excited to go, and two of my friends from work wanted to get Gold seats so I joined in and paid the bit extra... how needless! As we were walking in the doors this guy approached us asking if we wanted front row seats (we were originally in the stands) thinking he was a scalper we politely said no until he convinced us he was with the crew and Billy apparently likes to save some seats right at the front for a little... how did he say it "eye candy"... While I've never thought of myself like that before, and I'm still not to sure about the morality of the whole thing far be it from me to turn down FRONT ROW SEATS!

Pictures coming soon - I forgot my camera so we're getting pictures from the other girls who were "chosen"...

some funny stories from the night?

• I realised how innocent I was and SO not a groupie when the girl two seats down from me had her breast exposed and Sam had to stop me from mentioning it to her!
• One of the guitarists was close to the girl in terms of dress sense considering what we could see of him :(
• I managed to keep my hands off Mr Joel... but I can't say the same for my friends!
• Best song of the night - We didn't start the fire - we were all up at the stage by that time (the signal was given that we could get up from our seats at River of Dreams) and had a hillarious time dancing away

Feeling very very brazen and not at all myself I sign off after my first every rock and roll concert with the following thoughts

1. I got one of the guitar picks from the evening which was really cool...
2. Considering we never would have got the seats if we'd been with any partners for once I relished in being single :D

overwhelmed, exhausted and mentally drained

don't expect anything out of me for at least until the end of the school term in a week's time

Jetlagged but thankful thoughts...

I said to my brother Jonno that I was shattered when speaking to him this afternoon and his comment was "why? you've only traveled 3,000km!" ... actually, it's over 8,000km in under 48 hours so I guess I have reason if this blog isn't exactly.. well... entirely making sense as much as I'd want it to.

I can't say how pleased I am that I made the trip this weekend to Auckland. My time with my Nan was incredibly special. A precious time where she shared stories of her childhood, my father growing up, and perhaps the most personally special... she remembered me. Nan had a really good day and I'm so thankful for that.

Other highlights of the trip were spending time with Steve, meeting all his friends (I was so vicariously popular! "Steve's sister! - Steve's sister is here!!!". I think some of the greatest things that can happen when you meet friends of someone that means so much to you is a) they are warm and welcoming b) you have fun with them too c) you think that they're great people and are stoked that they have such great friends and d) they can't say enough good things about that person!

Spending time with Brenda and David was great too and I'm looking forward to spending more when I get there in Christmas.

It was great too seeing mom and dad, and being picked up at the airport by Mom in Brenda's Z3 BMW :) - I do want one of those!

Looking forward to Christmas in NZ...

There's so much more that I wanted to write in this, but I think that will come when I'm less exhausted.

Flying away... litterally!

My favourite character ever penned was that of a hobbit, and at the moment I feel very hobbitish… As Gandalf says, "You can learn all that there is to know about [hobbits’] ways in a month, and yet after a hundred years they can still surprise you at a pinch" – read in context that sentence describes me at this point.

I’m having one of those surprise you at a pinch moments… you see… I’m sitting in the Airport Lounge about to get on a plane to NZ after a call this morning (before my first cup of tea no less!) to say that the family in NZ had been told to “prepare” the relatives for my Nan passing away.

My Nan (who is the only one that calls me Beth) has been asking every time we talk “when are you coming to see me”, and I’ve never been able to make it – or never thought I could, so I planned to be there for Christmas. Now, knowing that there may not be too many days left, I’ve realised how easy it is just to pick up and be somewhere if you feel you need to be.

I’m incredibly blessed by my boss who released me to leave work early and encouraged me to “get on the next available flight” instead of leaving tomorrow.

No idea what lies ahead (hopefully a safe landing!) but I know that making this effort is right. In any case, I get to see my brother before Christmas and I've also got a party lined up for tomorrow night with his mates - Thanks Steve :)

Blogging by Mail Mystery: Solved :)

I got a very odd package from Hawaii today... funny thing is, I don't know anyone in Hawaii and my Blogging by Mail person is from Minnesota... no note inside... just three scrabble pendants and a necklace! nothing else :-O

Have just solved the mystery though thanks the the comment left on my last blog! THANK YOU Ms. Satsuki Rebel for your lovely gifts and I'm SO sorry that the items you bought got rejected by our Customs over here!

... and yes, slightly behind on the blogging... suffice it to say: Busy.

Thread Counts and Convicting Coffee Club Chats

I had a very interesting afternoon following work today.

To begin with I was late to meet up with a friend who works as a PA within another school here in town. Our schools have often had what can be termed a "friendly" rivalry. It's great to beat them in things, and because we are focused at a similar target audience it can be a bit competitive. This afternoon though I was really convicted by the fact that both our schools exist to glorify God in and through our students. We should be helping each other. We should be encouraging each other. Rejoicing in each others successes and supporting through the trials.

A thought to consider and act upon.

I then went grocery shopping and got sidetracked (note to self: in future buy groceries afterwards or at least don't by heavy items if any possibility of being distracted on way to car) by a sale at a linen store. I have needed a new quilt set for a very long time - I either choose my pre-twenties days sets (including quilt that is horridly moulting feathers) or just sheets (which leads to the unfortunate current circumstance of adding sleeping bags when I get cold. Anyway, I finally found a set that I really liked and then went to another shop (Myer) for an even more fabulous sale where I got the quilt cover and two funky pillows of the same set all for less than the price of the original quilt price (gotta love 50% off)... it's white with texture in the shape of leaves - sounds odd but simply elegant and stunning... best thing is that I'll be able to decorate it nicely with throws etc.. anyway all of this to say:

Single people are deprived!

I've always been of the opinion that while you're single you should stick to a single bed because then you don't get used to the space of a bigger bed that you don't have to share and get a rude shock when you do share it! unless of course you just go with a double and then when married move up to a king :)

AGAIN I WANDER... single people are deprived because luxury thread count sheets don't come in single bed sizes :(

Top Show

I've become a fan of Top Gear Australia and nearly fell off my chair laughing during the current episode where they took a tractor in to the heart of Melbourne to show SUVs how it felt to be smaller and more manageable than some beefy vehicle that you feel like screaming at.. what made it hilarious was when parallel parking they crushed a Saab behind it... classic viewing.

If you live in Aussie land I highly encourage your viewing, even if you're not a motor head (I certainly am not).

A Satisfying Weekend

This weekend I have dug up a tree, killed numerous bugs, saved some worms from being eaten by fish and may have planted some herbs only to die...

That's right - I've planted a herb garden

I have no idea though after doing so how on earth vegetarians can have clear consciouses - the amount of bugs that die in creating those gardens. I feel like a murder knowing that my spade work killed many such bugs as shown.

After planning a herb garden for years it is very satisfying to have completed this endeavor, however scared I am that I'll soon kill off this weekend's hard work.

Lucky Timing

Due to a mistake on behalf of lastminute.com.au I haven't been able to use my credit/debit account since Saturday evening. To cut a long story short they billed me twice for my tickets to NZ and I'm $1400 out of pocket until it can be reversed tomorrow...

I was craving a green chicken curry this evening and realised that I had no rice! (something unheard of in my house) Considering I'd spent all my loose change on other incidentals I was going to have to forgo my dinner dish for something less dishy... until I remembered! I hadn't cashed in a $7 instant win :)

So up I walked to the store and purchased not only some rice, but some milk with coins to spare!

The smell of dinner cooking is delightful and whilst I've been horribly inconvenienced, making do and pinching pennies (when I know the situation isn't long term) has been an adventure which I've rather enjoyed.

She was right

My best friend said just last week that she always knew when something quite specific happened because I'd be down afterwards... I laughed at the time thinking "that's not true!"... but it is.

This specific something happened this past weekend and again I'm doing the whole cognitive therapy again... picking myself up and challenging those thoughts that come to mind. constantly.

Miss Morissette speaks so much truth, encapsulating my current emotions not only in Simple Together but here in the lyrics to You Learn:

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn

I pray I'm learning.

Departed church in the middle of the service. Overwhelmed by the amount of people. I like home.

A day to myself

I have had the most fabulous day.

After driving mom to the airport I took the train into the city. The train journey was great - kind of summed up everything that Brisbane is for me in one journey. Brisbane isn't the hustle and bustle of Sydney. It's not the cafe and concert culture of Melbourne (nor is it as cold). Brisbane is happy to be and stay what it is - it speaks out what it is wherever you are - like on the train - "come, stay with me - I choose to be slow - I don't do the high speed rail thing, I'm summer days and river walks, yes I've got the high rise buildings and the city suits but I'm so much more.. come... you'll love me - and if you don't I don't care"

That's what Brisbane says and I love it.

My train journey was serenaded by the dulcet tones of the guy's iPod Nano next to me belting out Jazz tunes that were distorting due to playing so loud and seen through the eyes of two German backpackers who were exclaiming at the sights in a language I did not understand but could comprehend.

The rest of my day was spent shopping and treating myself to some fabulous shoes and designer tops that make me feel pretty.

I've just finished a phone date with Lou (a wonderful girlfriend from Hong Kong living on the Coast) and am going to heat up my leftovers from last night and pop open a beer!

A guy asking for donations on the street in Brisbane wished me the following today after I said hello to him "I hope the rest of your weekend makes your working week worthwhile" - I reckon that's happened.