It's been a long time coming, and such a time it's been

It's been one year since I've "blogged", and while I find that hard to believe, when I look back on how busy and event filled the past year (+) has been I'm not surprised I've had little creative energy to type my thoughts. I haven't had the desire to write, let alone share my journey with others who keep me accountable to being honest with what I share. I have missed though the opportunities to verbally process,  analyse events in my life and share things which I myself find encouraging in retrospect.

Thank you to those who have read my blog during this time of silence! For those who have (and know me on the other side of the keyboard), thank you for your encouragement to keep going and start to write again.

... so, to pick up where I left off...

I was listening to Nicky Gumble this morning on my way to work. He recently shared a sermon at Holy Trinity Brompton on the subject of "Friendship". It was an incredibly insightful talk, and one which got me thinking a great deal. One of the comments he made was that church shouldn't just be friendly, it should be a place where we can make friends. Growing up in a church where we were encouraged to be friendly to new people, this quote resounded within me, because being friendly is easy (or at least most of the time it is for me) what isn't as easy though is actually being willing to befriend people. We do need to make more of an effort to be people who are inclusive in our relationships. We need to be people that create environments where deep, lasting and meaningful friendships can occur. This is a thought I'm going to ponder more in the months ahead, especially as I seek to grow areas within our church where friendships can flourish.

Also, a quick update. I have my puppy back (who is quite content as he snoozes on his mat as I type), I have a new home, I'm glad for the opportunity to investigate teachings on the Holy Spirit away from a church which considers this the norm, and I'm learning to be vulnerable with more people. Life still isn't perfect, but I'm also glad it will never be.

Oh, and even more of a big update, as I type this my husband of eight months is working steadily away in the next room. How blessed I am to have married this man (who incidentally is the first man I ever blogged about :). Happy days.

adrian plass's cat

I'm doing a Leonard Thynn this afternoon and borrowing a friend's dog (for those who aren't familiar with the reference, it's from Adrian Plass's diaries where one of the characters (Leonard) would borrow his cat).

I miss my puppy, I miss my home, I miss people I can go to for prayer. I never thought I'd say it, but I'm missing going to a charismatic church (as much as I love my current one, no church is perfect).

contentment vs complacency

I've been a bad blogger recently with a huge delay in posts - often writing them in my head or down on a piece of paper rather than typing them out. My reasons for this are many, but boil down to one thing - I've been working things out in private, but am now ready to start writing again.

Earlier this year I moved to Sydney, Australia after living and reviving in my home town for three years. In the past year before I moved the line between contentment and complacency was my struggle (along with many others!).

The past 6 months has been incredible. An amazing man has come into my life in a new way - an incredible friend for ten years has finally stepped up to the plate and said how great he thinks I am :), I've had a trip to New Zealand and have started a job, left a job, and am now about to start a new one. I've joined a church to which I sooo look forward to going to each week and am learning more and more about life. I'm also flatting for the first time in my life! (so add to the list before house hunting)

The past 6 months has been filled with unexpected challenges. Along with getting to know someone in a new way, I've walked the journey of being open with my folks in a new way about how I/we are going. I've started to struggle with anxiety at times again and dealing with other medical issues has been an expensive enterprise.

The past 6 months I've been carried. I feel incredibly taken care of by God during these past 6 months especially. With two 12 hour car rides, an international trip, a job search (x2), a job in which I faced ethical issues, new relationships, a new city and the building of love there is a lot that could have gone wrong... and it hasn't. Yes, there's still a big journey ahead, but I am astounded by how well things have gone with apparently little effort.

The now is full of goals. I want a mentor, an older spiritually wise woman to develop with. I want to be a great example and worker in my new job. I want to be an awesome girlfriend until that transitions into something more. I want to find a hobby to be creatively fulfilled in. I want a sport that doesn't hurt my knee. I want to enjoy each moment. I want to grow more in my knowledge, love and devotion to Jesus. I want to make friends and be a good friend.

The line between contentment and complacency is likely to always be a journey, although for me the journey of trust is likely to be greater. I'm glad though, so very glad, that I made the move to Sydney and moved out of complacency towards contentment. I want to be content, but never complacent.

(a shout out to my most regular follower here - I hope that this post is less disapointing than my last one!)

Shortcuts to losing integrity

In a month’s time I start work again as a PA, with the added role of Director of Administration. This is pretty cool, however, I’m learning in my current role that administrative short cuts have long term consequences… especially when it comes to audits.

I started to have queasy feelings about my job in my first week, wondering if things were all above board or not, and as the months have progressed I’ve come to see that all is not as is required. The interesting thing is that this is not because of any wilful decision, rather, a set of circumstances that have happened because corners were cut. Paperwork not done because it was too hard to figure out what needed doing, getting one person to do something instead of two because while checks and balances were required two staff was more hassle and things like that.

All of these things could be rectified with time and effort, but they haven’t been and now there is a mess. A mess which I am gladly leaving behind!

I’m challenged and thankful for this series of events and the administrative nightmare I find myself in. Thankful because it’s a great lesson to learn when I am not at fault before I start taking over administrative processes within an organisation and challenged because I can see how easy it has been for this to happen. I notice the things inside of me changing and thinking that it’s not as big of a deal as it really is… Losing integrity is a slippery slope that often you don’t know you’ve been sliding down before you hit the bottom.

The Harlot Within us All

In the modern world, one of the most horrendous and soul shattering things to have happen to you is your partner cheating... the violation of trust, the breaking of bonds and the emotional fallout is mammoth. Even just to try to comprehend what it must feel like is almost impossible for me - and I'd rather not think on it for too long.

In tonight's home group we looked at Hosea and the unfathomable story of Gomer and her continuing abandonment of their relationship. We discussed the meta-narrative. We discussed the context, intention and text. We discussed grace that is given within difficult situations, incomprehensible from the outside. We admitted that there are somethings we'll never completely understand...

What struck me though in summing up the story is this: I sin. There are some areas where I continually sin and think "oh no, not again!". God views sin as sin, to Him areas where I fail, time and time again, are no different to the sins of Gomer - all of us have fallen short, and all of us will continue to. "But by the grace of God there go I" etc.

The book of Hosea is a book speaking of God's unremitting love for Isreal - it personally though shows me that I can always come back to God and say "I did it again, and I'm sorry - please forgive me." Furthermore, like Hosea taking back Gomer as his wife (not just slave etc. . . but in full as his wife) and the Father welcoming back his son (the Prodigal Son) who expected to be a servant in the household, so he too says to us "my child".

We are all harlots in different ways, we all have areas where we fail, and when we stop failing there the chances are we'll fail somewhere else. . . none of us are perfect - but it's our imperfections which help us to admit we need God.

For this revelation I am very thankful tonight.

Opportunities and Energy

I have six weeks until I finish the role from which I've resigned. Six weeks to finish well, cement friendships, apply for new jobs and consider what's next. It's a very daunting period in my life... something that I have been surprised by though is the levels of disappointment that I find myself going through.

It's been a long time since I've been a job seeker. To be honest, I haven't found it too hard to get a job thus far in my life and so the experience of applying for jobs is a daunting one. I've given one job application a really good go - and didn't even get an interview! There's one for the humility bank let me tell you... I find myself needing to get out and give more things a go - thus more applications, more time, more energy.

What's cool is that every now and then a job pops up that I'm actually quite interested in... but then it's the energy that's needed to give it a good go, with the knowledge that there's a lot of other people out there hunting too.

So, just as with relationships I must enter the same state of mind with my job search - "well God, if not this then you have something else - right?"

Standing

After an incredible day out with my best mate, we came back to my place for a cup of tea - in doing so I checked my email and was shocked by an email that was sitting in my work account. It was, without a doubt, an email out of the blue from someone I haven't had contact with in at least 7 years, and haven't been in a relationship with for 10.

I was glad that my best mate was there, she read it - went "this can't be real" and promptly rang her dad for him to read the email and ensure that I didn't reply in haste. Even now, after some time since reading it I still feel like I'm reeling - not only because it's something that has left me feeling like I'm 17 again with all the angst of an event I blamed myself for, but because I wonder if I'm fit to have any relationship in light of my relationship history.

In a service tonight though I heard the hymn "my hope is built on nothing less" and I currently have Delirious's version of it on repeat in the background on my iPod. The words remind me that it's not about me. He has taken away all the shame I felt about that relationship, how I didn't handle it well and that I can stand in Christ, redeemed, sheltered and loved. Most of all, loved.

Yes, voices from our past can come back in real time, but I'm thankful for the voices of friends that keep reminding me of the truth. I'm also just praying for a person that was once very close to me and has been through some very, very tough things.

I am also thankful that while I don't feel like much else can happen at the moment or many more rugs pulled from under me, I'm dancing on the shifting carpet much better than I used to...

"My Hope is Built on Nothing Less"
by Edward Mote, 1797-1874

1. My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus' blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus' name.
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

2. When darkness veils His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace;
In every high and stormy gale
My anchor holds within the veil.
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

3. His oath, His covenant, and blood
Support me in the whelming flood;
When every earthly prop gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

4. When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh, may I then in Him be found,
Clothed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne!
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

Hymn #370
The Lutheran Hymnal
Text: 1 Timothy 1:1
Author: Edward Mote, c. 1834, cento
Composer: John Stainer, 1873, arr.
Tune: "Magdalen"

Being Fed

Sunday nights at one of the Irish pubs in town is $6 porterhouse steak and chips night. A really, really good steak, cooked the way I like it and with $2 veggies that are enough to share with three people a very, very nice feed. What makes it so great though is the company in which I share this meal on Sunday nights - my folks. It's becoming a regular thing to head out with them and chat while we eat over our pints of Kilkenny (me), Guinness (dad) and glass of red (mom).

One of the things that we chatted about tonight was the sermons which I listen to on a very regular basis from HTB (Holy Trinity Brompton). These sermons, (which I'm sure I refer to often!) are an amazing source of encouragement, challenge and edification to me. What I love so much about them though is the perspective and life which they bring from so many areas. The vastness of the HTB ministry brings a depth which is truly unique, without losing track of the main thing being the main thing.

HTB sermons for me is also such a huge need in my life right now because I've been very irregular in my own church attendance. This is something that I find very difficult, because I believe that we do need a community in which to live our our Christianity. Yes, I'm very regular at my home group - but Sunday church is becoming a once a fortnight affair (and sometimes less than that). The reasons behind this are clear to me - and something that I'm working on - but again, what is so great is that I can talk about this with my folks... and be released by them saying "it's ok - we know it's just for a season".

On this Sunday night I'm feeling very well fed - in body and spirit.

p.s. the soundtrack to this post is Powderfinger's live concert from the other week :) It was awesome that they recorded the concert and sold the cd at the end of it!

C-Day

Today was my C-Day, also known as "the day of confrontation". I went to bed last night praying that today would be skipped and that I would wake up in time for running class on Saturday.

Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, I woke up as per usual this morning and whilst I lay in bed longer than is good when one wants to get to work on time, got to work. Work wasn't the hard thing about today, the hard thing, the C thing was an appointment I had partway through the day where I needed to ask someone for a few thousand dollars back because a specialist had seen the work that they'd completed on me and said a) it was shoddy and b) it needed to be redone c) more work also now needed to be done.

The thing which gets me is this: while I've been praying (and others have been praying more than I have) maybe what God wanted to do in me was deeper than just the healing we've been praying for (although, still praying for that...) maybe the work that God has been doing on my character has been, to him, that's been just as or more important.

On wednesday, the day I saw the specialist, I read the following from Holy Trinity Brompton (and it sums up what I'm getting at better than I could!):

Hard Times

Smith Wigglesworth was a remarkable man. He was born on 8 June 1859 to an impoverished family in Yorkshire. As a small child, he worked in the fields pulling turnips alongside his mother. He also worked in factories. During his childhood he was illiterate. In 1882 he married Polly, who taught him to read. He often stated that the Bible was the only book he ever read.

He was a plumber by trade but had to abandon it after he became too busy with an amazing ministry of preaching and healing. There are even accounts of people being raised from the dead through his ministry. Yet he said on one occasion that he would rather see one person saved through his preaching than ten thousand healed.

Life was not always easy for Smith Wigglesworth. He went through hard times. He wrote, ‘Great faith is a product of great fights. Great testimonies are the outcome of great tests. Great triumphs can only come out of great trials.’

The Bible is very realistic. We live in a fallen world. Everyone goes through hard times. Some people find themselves in circumstances that make life hard pretty much all of the time.

1. Affliction and smears

Psalm 119:65-72

Suffering is never good in itself, but God is able to use it for good. C.S. Lewis said that ‘it is [God’s] megaphone to rouse a deaf world’. The psalmist says, ‘Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I obey your word’ (v.67).

The fact that he was going through hard times did not make him doubt God’s goodness: ‘You are good, and what you do is good; teach me your decrees’ (v.68).

Criticism is never easy to receive. Unfair criticism is even harder. He writes, ‘Though the arrogant have smeared me with lies, I keep your precepts with all my heart’ (v.69). The attack has come from the arrogant, those whose ‘hearts are callous and unfeeling’ (v.70). Yet, in the midst of this, the psalmist finds ‘delight’ in God’s words.

He is able to see that God has actually used his affliction. ‘It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees. The law from your mouth is more precious to me than thousands of pieces of silver and gold’ (vv.71-72).

God sometimes uses ‘affliction’ to build our character. One image used by the New Testament is that of disciplining children. The writer of Hebrews says that ‘Our parents disciplined us for a while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness’ (Hebrews 12:10).

Peter uses a different image: that of a metal worker refining silver and gold. He writes that his readers may all ‘have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials’ (1 Peter 1:6). He goes on to explain why God allows this: ‘These have come so that your faith – of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire – may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honour when Jesus Christ is revealed’ (v.7).

Lord, thank you that as we look back on our lives we can often see the way in which you have used the hard times. Thank you that we do not need to be concerned when we are ‘smeared with lies’. Thank you that we need not be surprised by the arrogant, whose hearts are callous and unfeeling. Rather, they should drive us closer to you and cause us to delight in your words. Thank you Lord that the words of your mouth are more precious than thousands of pieces of silver and gold.

Second Opinions

Today I got a second opinion. An opinion from someone who was a specialist in an area which I needed advice on work completed, and direction as to what steps needed to be taken. While the advice provided was good, the follow through action is difficult. It involves confrontation, an explanation of why something isn't barely adequate and confidence.

I'm not great on confrontation - when it's on behalf of someone else I'm comfortable, and at times even calculated - when it's personal, I'm not so good.

So when we have an event where we do need to step up to the plate, how is it best handled? When one has sought to act with integrity and trusted others through a difficult process, how does one best behave when that trust is broken and compensation needs to occur?

I don't quite know... all I know is that life seems to be getting bigger with every day.

Carried in the moment

Over the past week I've really felt "carried". There have been some big things going on, and big days too - for example tomorrow, in addition to starting the day with a 6am training session I have a specialists appointment and a meeting with my course coordinator regarding a 300 hour subject I've started (to finish in 7 weeks while working full time...). Days are currently filled and work has more to do than time to do it in.

I'm very much aware of needing to keep my eyes in the now, because if I don't, I'm swamped in a feeling of an overwhelming thick cloud.

The coming months will bring huge change in my life, and, the possibility of more change! All of this known change is good (and so too is the possible change), I've resigned my job, am moving and will be looking for a new church, new home group, new job and place to live (with my lovely dog!). Add into that all the things that need to happen prior to moving, like finishing well at work, packing and at some stage having a holiday...

Despite the overwhelm, I'm so glad for the journey and am looking forward to the days to come. I'm encouraged to make time to get away, "be" and focus. To enjoy the simple things and yet keep "the main thing the main thing". So, if I'm not blogging (and have been slack on blogging) it's not because things are bad, it's just that things are big.

I definitely feel "carried in the moment" but when I start to look ahead, like Peter, begin to drown. Here's to keep on focusing on one step at a time... or even the step I'm taking?

which path

The end of this year will be the beginning of a large transition in my life. What is both daunting and exciting as I start to think about this though is that I'm not sure what is next...

• Do I make my role a profession and enter a higher up role within a larger firm in a big city
• Do I move to something not for profit with beliefs and visions which match my own, and provide a base for things I'd like to do later in life
  
• Do I change roles and enter something in training and developing adult learners
• Do I...??

I'm at the stage where I want to know which path is right, but in the mean time am just knocking on all of the doors to see which one opens!

"It's coming round again
The slowly creeping hand
Of time and its command
Soon enough it comes
and settles in its place
Its shadow in my face
Puts pressure in my day

This life well it's slipping right through my hands
These days turned out nothing like I had planned"

These are some of the lyrics to a band that I went to see on Saturday night. It was a brilliant concert, but I can't get these lyrics and tune out of my head at the moment.... because they're so true. These days are turning out nothing like I had planned.

I have no other words than those this evening.

Anger

Almost every day I’m invited through various means to indulge my carnal lusts through internet activities and viewings – in fact, this blog is written because of my most recent invitation.

I’ve heard that the pornography industry is America’s largest industry, and just like junk food I can blatantly see the marketing:
a) flood the market
b) get people to think that it’s ok and won’t hurt them and
c) get them addicted.

Junk food of the mind can be just as addictive as junk food of the body – all the sugar which leaves us ill, bloated, corpulent and lazy.

I’m really very thankful for the teaching I participated recently in regards to the Theology of the Body which has helped my own journey in the desire to be pure, mind, body and action – but I’m angry at those who wish to corrupt for their own gain and who ruin some great people’s lives because of the devastation their “un-harmful” habits create.

Anger

Almost every day I’m invited through various means to indulge my carnal lusts through internet activities and viewings – in fact, this blog is written because of my most recent invitation.

I’ve heard that the pornography industry is America’s largest industry, and just like junk food I can blatantly see the marketing:
a) flood the market
b) get people to think that it’s ok and won’t hurt them and
c) get them addicted.

Junk food of the mind can be just as addictive as junk food of the body – all the sugar which leaves us ill, bloated, corpulent and lazy.

I’m really very thankful for the teaching I participated recently in regards to the Theology of the Body which has helped my own journey in the desire to be pure, mind, body and action – but I’m angry at those who wish to corrupt for their own gain and who ruin some great people’s lives because of the devastation their “un-harmful” habits create.

The power of bad experiences

I have in front of me the possibility of something in which to really sink my teeth. Something which would require a great deal of commitment, drive, passion and vision - but two experiences such as this in the past are hindering my current view.

I've fully committed to something twice in my life - and twice have walked away broken and hurt and doubting myself and doubting God.

Yet, this situation is completely different to either of the ones I refer to above. Even though, as in the past there's the similarities of being excited about the possibilities and also seeing a huge purpose in giving it a huge go.

So, how does one learn, yet not be held back from a completely different experience by past endeavors gone wrong? Not to be too scared to give something else a try and to put all your energies into it knowing how its affected you in the past when you've done the same and it's all hit the fan.

I don't have the answer. But I do know that I need to look through new lenses at the future and try to learn from the experiences without being influenced by them.

To actually grow.

When our strengths are our biggest weaknesses.

By trade I’m a person who organises others – in particular, organises one high level professional and runs a ship shape office (in her own quirky way – I’m no Debbie Fiderer though!). Organization is a skill which I’ve cultivated and one which has also grown within me – professional organization that is. Its tendrils slip their way into my personal life though – often in an annoying way - I like to know what’s what, where things are heading and what I’m doing and what others are doing – I’m sure it’s a pain to my friends, but while I like to be phlegmatic at times my normal work way of doing things takes over!

It’s interesting though that my one of my current “biggest” strengths is also my current “BIGGEST” weakness. I’m struggling with trusting others with the organization. Primarily, but not exclusively, trusting God in the organization. The organization of my life, the organization of my relationships, the organization of my peace.

It’s a journey I’m really struggling with to be honest. I’d like to have all the pieces of the pie together and all of the bits of string untangled, actually, I’d settle for not having the ball untangled and just knowing what each of the different pieces of string are…

So the question is – how am I dealing with this huge weakness? Not as well as one may hope unfortunately! However, through prayer and loads of it – but also through asking others to walk the journey with me and pray with me, for me, and for everyone affected by it.

It’s an odd combination – half being phlegmatic and wanting to go with the flow, the other half struggling against the unknown and knowing that rest will not happen until I just let go.

Juggling

Quite some time ago I made a poster with all of these pictures of people juggling. You see the thing about juggling is this – your eye can’t be on what’s being juggled, but must be at the highest point. The poster has the caption “where is your focus”.

As I look at that poster now, bluetak’d to my wall at work, I’m thankful for the reminder. I have a lot of things right now which are clamouring for my focus – one in particular pulls at my heartstrings like nothing else – but my focus can’t be on that. It can’t be on next year. It can’t be on relationships. It can’t be on what’s going to happen which I can’t control… it MUST be on God.

Jesus, be the centre, be the source, be the light, my Jesus… my Saviour.

Sharing the Sunshine!

So wish I could share the sunshine of spring with everyone right now - the sun is shining, the birds are singing and my heart is dancing. It's a grand day.

Pull over, stop and let's pray

These were the words a friend said tonight and it reflects not only what we did (or she did as she drove and spoke to me on her phone) but also what I feel I need to do - now, and for the next little while.

Pull Over: Slow down, check your lanes, see where you can park. Assess the situation. Know where you're at.

Stop: don't do anything

Pray: Invite others to be part of the journey. Most importantly though, ask God.

As someone who tends to jump into things wholeheartedly, going slow can be an issue, especially, going slow when there's no sight of speeding up any time soon! However, one of the first scriptures I ever memorised was Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not to thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths" and I think now is the time to start hearing those words again.

(I also liked some of the quotes I read on this page: http://www.christians.org/grow/grow02.html)