The thoughts of somewhere smiling

adrian plass's cat

2011-05-19T11:11:00.000+08:00

I'm doing a Leonard Thynn this afternoon and borrowing a friend's dog (for those who aren't familiar with the reference, it's from Adrian Plass's diaries where one of the characters (Leonard) would borrow his cat).

I miss my puppy, I miss my home, I miss people I can go to for prayer. I never thought I'd say it, but I'm missing going to a charismatic church (as much as I love my current one, no church is perfect).

contentment vs complacency

2011-05-18T12:00:00.002+08:00

I've been a bad blogger recently with a huge delay in posts - often writing them in my head or down on a piece of paper rather than typing them out. My reasons for this are many, but boil down to one thing - I've been working things out in private, but am now ready to start writing again.

Earlier this year I moved to Sydney, Australia after living and reviving in my home town for three years. In the past year before I moved the line between contentment and complacency was my struggle (along with many others!).

The past 6 months has been incredible. An amazing man has come into my life in a new way - an incredible friend for ten years has finally stepped up to the plate and said how great he thinks I am :), I've had a trip to New Zealand and have started a job, left a job, and am now about to start a new one. I've joined a church to which I sooo look forward to going to each week and am learning more and more about life. I'm also flatting for the first time in my life! (so add to the list before house hunting)

The past 6 months has been filled with unexpected challenges. Along with getting to know someone in a new way, I've walked the journey of being open with my folks in a new way about how I/we are going. I've started to struggle with anxiety at times again and dealing with other medical issues has been an expensive enterprise.

The past 6 months I've been carried. I feel incredibly taken care of by God during these past 6 months especially. With two 12 hour car rides, an international trip, a job search (x2), a job in which I faced ethical issues, new relationships, a new city and the building of love there is a lot that could have gone wrong... and it hasn't. Yes, there's still a big journey ahead, but I am astounded by how well things have gone with apparently little effort.

The now is full of goals. I want a mentor, an older spiritually wise woman to develop with. I want to be a great example and worker in my new job. I want to be an awesome girlfriend until that transitions into something more. I want to find a hobby to be creatively fulfilled in. I want a sport that doesn't hurt my knee. I want to enjoy each moment. I want to grow more in my knowledge, love and devotion to Jesus. I want to make friends and be a good friend.

The line between contentment and complacency is likely to always be a journey, although for me the journey of trust is likely to be greater. I'm glad though, so very glad, that I made the move to Sydney and moved out of complacency towards contentment. I want to be content, but never complacent.

(a shout out to my most regular follower here - I hope that this post is less disapointing than my last one!)

Shortcuts to losing integrity

2011-04-14T08:59:00.002+08:00

In a month’s time I start work again as a PA, with the added role of Director of Administration. This is pretty cool, however, I’m learning in my current role that administrative short cuts have long term consequences… especially when it comes to audits.

I started to have queasy feelings about my job in my first week, wondering if things were all above board or not, and as the months have progressed I’ve come to see that all is not as is required. The interesting thing is that this is not because of any wilful decision, rather, a set of circumstances that have happened because corners were cut. Paperwork not done because it was too hard to figure out what needed doing, getting one person to do something instead of two because while checks and balances were required two staff was more hassle and things like that.

All of these things could be rectified with time and effort, but they haven’t been and now there is a mess. A mess which I am gladly leaving behind!

I’m challenged and thankful for this series of events and the administrative nightmare I find myself in. Thankful because it’s a great lesson to learn when I am not at fault before I start taking over administrative processes within an organisation and challenged because I can see how easy it has been for this to happen. I notice the things inside of me changing and thinking that it’s not as big of a deal as it really is… Losing integrity is a slippery slope that often you don’t know you’ve been sliding down before you hit the bottom.

The Harlot Within us All

2010-11-08T19:54:00.003+08:00

In the modern world, one of the most horrendous and soul shattering things to have happen to you is your partner cheating... the violation of trust, the breaking of bonds and the emotional fallout is mammoth. Even just to try to comprehend what it must feel like is almost impossible for me - and I'd rather not think on it for too long.

In tonight's home group we looked at Hosea and the unfathomable story of Gomer and her continuing abandonment of their relationship. We discussed the meta-narrative. We discussed the context, intention and text. We discussed grace that is given within difficult situations, incomprehensible from the outside. We admitted that there are somethings we'll never completely understand...

What struck me though in summing up the story is this: I sin. There are some areas where I continually sin and think "oh no, not again!". God views sin as sin, to Him areas where I fail, time and time again, are no different to the sins of Gomer - all of us have fallen short, and all of us will continue to. "But by the grace of God there go I" etc.

The book of Hosea is a book speaking of God's unremitting love for Isreal - it personally though shows me that I can always come back to God and say "I did it again, and I'm sorry - please forgive me." Furthermore, like Hosea taking back Gomer as his wife (not just slave etc. . . but in full as his wife) and the Father welcoming back his son (the Prodigal Son) who expected to be a servant in the household, so he too says to us "my child".

We are all harlots in different ways, we all have areas where we fail, and when we stop failing there the chances are we'll fail somewhere else. . . none of us are perfect - but it's our imperfections which help us to admit we need God.

For this revelation I am very thankful tonight.

Opportunities and Energy

2010-11-03T17:18:00.003+08:00

I have six weeks until I finish the role from which I've resigned. Six weeks to finish well, cement friendships, apply for new jobs and consider what's next. It's a very daunting period in my life... something that I have been surprised by though is the levels of disappointment that I find myself going through.

It's been a long time since I've been a job seeker. To be honest, I haven't found it too hard to get a job thus far in my life and so the experience of applying for jobs is a daunting one. I've given one job application a really good go - and didn't even get an interview! There's one for the humility bank let me tell you... I find myself needing to get out and give more things a go - thus more applications, more time, more energy.

What's cool is that every now and then a job pops up that I'm actually quite interested in... but then it's the energy that's needed to give it a good go, with the knowledge that there's a lot of other people out there hunting too.

So, just as with relationships I must enter the same state of mind with my job search - "well God, if not this then you have something else - right?"

Standing

2010-10-31T17:53:00.004+08:00

After an incredible day out with my best mate, we came back to my place for a cup of tea - in doing so I checked my email and was shocked by an email that was sitting in my work account. It was, without a doubt, an email out of the blue from someone I haven't had contact with in at least 7 years, and haven't been in a relationship with for 10.

I was glad that my best mate was there, she read it - went "this can't be real" and promptly rang her dad for him to read the email and ensure that I didn't reply in haste. Even now, after some time since reading it I still feel like I'm reeling - not only because it's something that has left me feeling like I'm 17 again with all the angst of an event I blamed myself for, but because I wonder if I'm fit to have any relationship in light of my relationship history.

In a service tonight though I heard the hymn "my hope is built on nothing less" and I currently have Delirious's version of it on repeat in the background on my iPod. The words remind me that it's not about me. He has taken away all the shame I felt about that relationship, how I didn't handle it well and that I can stand in Christ, redeemed, sheltered and loved. Most of all, loved.

Yes, voices from our past can come back in real time, but I'm thankful for the voices of friends that keep reminding me of the truth. I'm also just praying for a person that was once very close to me and has been through some very, very tough things.

I am also thankful that while I don't feel like much else can happen at the moment or many more rugs pulled from under me, I'm dancing on the shifting carpet much better than I used to...

"My Hope is Built on Nothing Less"
by Edward Mote, 1797-1874

1. My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus' blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus' name.
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

2. When darkness veils His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace;
In every high and stormy gale
My anchor holds within the veil.
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

3. His oath, His covenant, and blood
Support me in the whelming flood;
When every earthly prop gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

4. When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh, may I then in Him be found,
Clothed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne!
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

Hymn #370
The Lutheran Hymnal
Text: 1 Timothy 1:1
Author: Edward Mote, c. 1834, cento
Composer: John Stainer, 1873, arr.
Tune: "Magdalen"

Being Fed

2010-10-24T18:20:00.003+08:00

Sunday nights at one of the Irish pubs in town is $6 porterhouse steak and chips night. A really, really good steak, cooked the way I like it and with $2 veggies that are enough to share with three people a very, very nice feed. What makes it so great though is the company in which I share this meal on Sunday nights - my folks. It's becoming a regular thing to head out with them and chat while we eat over our pints of Kilkenny (me), Guinness (dad) and glass of red (mom).

One of the things that we chatted about tonight was the sermons which I listen to on a very regular basis from HTB (Holy Trinity Brompton). These sermons, (which I'm sure I refer to often!) are an amazing source of encouragement, challenge and edification to me. What I love so much about them though is the perspective and life which they bring from so many areas. The vastness of the HTB ministry brings a depth which is truly unique, without losing track of the main thing being the main thing.

HTB sermons for me is also such a huge need in my life right now because I've been very irregular in my own church attendance. This is something that I find very difficult, because I believe that we do need a community in which to live our our Christianity. Yes, I'm very regular at my home group - but Sunday church is becoming a once a fortnight affair (and sometimes less than that). The reasons behind this are clear to me - and something that I'm working on - but again, what is so great is that I can talk about this with my folks... and be released by them saying "it's ok - we know it's just for a season".

On this Sunday night I'm feeling very well fed - in body and spirit.

p.s. the soundtrack to this post is Powderfinger's live concert from the other week :) It was awesome that they recorded the concert and sold the cd at the end of it!

C-Day

2010-10-22T18:44:00.002+08:00

Today was my C-Day, also known as "the day of confrontation". I went to bed last night praying that today would be skipped and that I would wake up in time for running class on Saturday.

Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, I woke up as per usual this morning and whilst I lay in bed longer than is good when one wants to get to work on time, got to work. Work wasn't the hard thing about today, the hard thing, the C thing was an appointment I had partway through the day where I needed to ask someone for a few thousand dollars back because a specialist had seen the work that they'd completed on me and said a) it was shoddy and b) it needed to be redone c) more work also now needed to be done.

The thing which gets me is this: while I've been praying (and others have been praying more than I have) maybe what God wanted to do in me was deeper than just the healing we've been praying for (although, still praying for that...) maybe the work that God has been doing on my character has been, to him, that's been just as or more important.

On wednesday, the day I saw the specialist, I read the following from Holy Trinity Brompton (and it sums up what I'm getting at better than I could!):

Hard Times

Smith Wigglesworth was a remarkable man. He was born on 8 June 1859 to an impoverished family in Yorkshire. As a small child, he worked in the fields pulling turnips alongside his mother. He also worked in factories. During his childhood he was illiterate. In 1882 he married Polly, who taught him to read. He often stated that the Bible was the only book he ever read.

He was a plumber by trade but had to abandon it after he became too busy with an amazing ministry of preaching and healing. There are even accounts of people being raised from the dead through his ministry. Yet he said on one occasion that he would rather see one person saved through his preaching than ten thousand healed.

Life was not always easy for Smith Wigglesworth. He went through hard times. He wrote, ‘Great faith is a product of great fights. Great testimonies are the outcome of great tests. Great triumphs can only come out of great trials.’

The Bible is very realistic. We live in a fallen world. Everyone goes through hard times. Some people find themselves in circumstances that make life hard pretty much all of the time.

1. Affliction and smears

Psalm 119:65-72

Suffering is never good in itself, but God is able to use it for good. C.S. Lewis said that ‘it is [God’s] megaphone to rouse a deaf world’. The psalmist says, ‘Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I obey your word’ (v.67).

The fact that he was going through hard times did not make him doubt God’s goodness: ‘You are good, and what you do is good; teach me your decrees’ (v.68).

Criticism is never easy to receive. Unfair criticism is even harder. He writes, ‘Though the arrogant have smeared me with lies, I keep your precepts with all my heart’ (v.69). The attack has come from the arrogant, those whose ‘hearts are callous and unfeeling’ (v.70). Yet, in the midst of this, the psalmist finds ‘delight’ in God’s words.

He is able to see that God has actually used his affliction. ‘It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees. The law from your mouth is more precious to me than thousands of pieces of silver and gold’ (vv.71-72).

God sometimes uses ‘affliction’ to build our character. One image used by the New Testament is that of disciplining children. The writer of Hebrews says that ‘Our parents disciplined us for a while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness’ (Hebrews 12:10).

Peter uses a different image: that of a metal worker refining silver and gold. He writes that his readers may all ‘have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials’ (1 Peter 1:6). He goes on to explain why God allows this: ‘These have come so that your faith – of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire – may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honour when Jesus Christ is revealed’ (v.7).

Lord, thank you that as we look back on our lives we can often see the way in which you have used the hard times. Thank you that we do not need to be concerned when we are ‘smeared with lies’. Thank you that we need not be surprised by the arrogant, whose hearts are callous and unfeeling. Rather, they should drive us closer to you and cause us to delight in your words. Thank you Lord that the words of your mouth are more precious than thousands of pieces of silver and gold.

Second Opinions

2010-10-20T19:22:00.002+08:00

Today I got a second opinion. An opinion from someone who was a specialist in an area which I needed advice on work completed, and direction as to what steps needed to be taken. While the advice provided was good, the follow through action is difficult. It involves confrontation, an explanation of why something isn't barely adequate and confidence.

I'm not great on confrontation - when it's on behalf of someone else I'm comfortable, and at times even calculated - when it's personal, I'm not so good.

So when we have an event where we do need to step up to the plate, how is it best handled? When one has sought to act with integrity and trusted others through a difficult process, how does one best behave when that trust is broken and compensation needs to occur?

I don't quite know... all I know is that life seems to be getting bigger with every day.

Carried in the moment

2010-10-19T18:15:00.003+08:00

Over the past week I've really felt "carried". There have been some big things going on, and big days too - for example tomorrow, in addition to starting the day with a 6am training session I have a specialists appointment and a meeting with my course coordinator regarding a 300 hour subject I've started (to finish in 7 weeks while working full time...). Days are currently filled and work has more to do than time to do it in.

I'm very much aware of needing to keep my eyes in the now, because if I don't, I'm swamped in a feeling of an overwhelming thick cloud.

The coming months will bring huge change in my life, and, the possibility of more change! All of this known change is good (and so too is the possible change), I've resigned my job, am moving and will be looking for a new church, new home group, new job and place to live (with my lovely dog!). Add into that all the things that need to happen prior to moving, like finishing well at work, packing and at some stage having a holiday...

Despite the overwhelm, I'm so glad for the journey and am looking forward to the days to come. I'm encouraged to make time to get away, "be" and focus. To enjoy the simple things and yet keep "the main thing the main thing". So, if I'm not blogging (and have been slack on blogging) it's not because things are bad, it's just that things are big.

I definitely feel "carried in the moment" but when I start to look ahead, like Peter, begin to drown. Here's to keep on focusing on one step at a time... or even the step I'm taking?

which path

2010-10-16T16:29:00.002+08:00

The end of this year will be the beginning of a large transition in my life. What is both daunting and exciting as I start to think about this though is that I'm not sure what is next...

Do I make my role a profession and enter a higher up role within a larger firm in a big city
Do I move to something not for profit with beliefs and visions which match my own, and provide a base for things I'd like to do later in life
Do I change roles and enter something in training and developing adult learners
Do I...??

I'm at the stage where I want to know which path is right, but in the mean time am just knocking on all of the doors to see which one opens!

2010-10-13T17:26:00.002+08:00

"It's coming round again
The slowly creeping hand
Of time and its command
Soon enough it comes
and settles in its place
Its shadow in my face
Puts pressure in my day

This life well it's slipping right through my hands
These days turned out nothing like I had planned"

These are some of the lyrics to a band that I went to see on Saturday night. It was a brilliant concert, but I can't get these lyrics and tune out of my head at the moment.... because they're so true. These days are turning out nothing like I had planned.

I have no other words than those this evening.

Anger

2010-09-17T21:28:00.002+08:00

Almost every day I’m invited through various means to indulge my carnal lusts through internet activities and viewings – in fact, this blog is written because of my most recent invitation.

I’ve heard that the pornography industry is America’s largest industry, and just like junk food I can blatantly see the marketing:
a) flood the market
b) get people to think that it’s ok and won’t hurt them and
c) get them addicted.

Junk food of the mind can be just as addictive as junk food of the body – all the sugar which leaves us ill, bloated, corpulent and lazy.

I’m really very thankful for the teaching I participated recently in regards to the Theology of the Body which has helped my own journey in the desire to be pure, mind, body and action – but I’m angry at those who wish to corrupt for their own gain and who ruin some great people’s lives because of the devastation their “un-harmful” habits create.

Anger

2010-09-17T21:28:00.000+08:00

The power of bad experiences

2010-09-16T18:49:00.002+08:00

I have in front of me the possibility of something in which to really sink my teeth. Something which would require a great deal of commitment, drive, passion and vision - but two experiences such as this in the past are hindering my current view.

I've fully committed to something twice in my life - and twice have walked away broken and hurt and doubting myself and doubting God.

Yet, this situation is completely different to either of the ones I refer to above. Even though, as in the past there's the similarities of being excited about the possibilities and also seeing a huge purpose in giving it a huge go.

So, how does one learn, yet not be held back from a completely different experience by past endeavors gone wrong? Not to be too scared to give something else a try and to put all your energies into it knowing how its affected you in the past when you've done the same and it's all hit the fan.

I don't have the answer. But I do know that I need to look through new lenses at the future and try to learn from the experiences without being influenced by them.

To actually grow.

When our strengths are our biggest weaknesses.

2010-09-10T14:17:00.001+08:00

By trade I’m a person who organises others – in particular, organises one high level professional and runs a ship shape office (in her own quirky way – I’m no Debbie Fiderer though!). Organization is a skill which I’ve cultivated and one which has also grown within me – professional organization that is. Its tendrils slip their way into my personal life though – often in an annoying way - I like to know what’s what, where things are heading and what I’m doing and what others are doing – I’m sure it’s a pain to my friends, but while I like to be phlegmatic at times my normal work way of doing things takes over!

It’s interesting though that my one of my current “biggest” strengths is also my current “BIGGEST” weakness. I’m struggling with trusting others with the organization. Primarily, but not exclusively, trusting God in the organization. The organization of my life, the organization of my relationships, the organization of my peace.

It’s a journey I’m really struggling with to be honest. I’d like to have all the pieces of the pie together and all of the bits of string untangled, actually, I’d settle for not having the ball untangled and just knowing what each of the different pieces of string are…

So the question is – how am I dealing with this huge weakness? Not as well as one may hope unfortunately! However, through prayer and loads of it – but also through asking others to walk the journey with me and pray with me, for me, and for everyone affected by it.

It’s an odd combination – half being phlegmatic and wanting to go with the flow, the other half struggling against the unknown and knowing that rest will not happen until I just let go.

Juggling

2010-09-06T11:08:00.002+08:00

Quite some time ago I made a poster with all of these pictures of people juggling. You see the thing about juggling is this – your eye can’t be on what’s being juggled, but must be at the highest point. The poster has the caption “where is your focus”.

As I look at that poster now, bluetak’d to my wall at work, I’m thankful for the reminder. I have a lot of things right now which are clamouring for my focus – one in particular pulls at my heartstrings like nothing else – but my focus can’t be on that. It can’t be on next year. It can’t be on relationships. It can’t be on what’s going to happen which I can’t control… it MUST be on God.

Jesus, be the centre, be the source, be the light, my Jesus… my Saviour.

Sharing the Sunshine!

2010-09-03T07:07:00.003+08:00

So wish I could share the sunshine of spring with everyone right now - the sun is shining, the birds are singing and my heart is dancing. It's a grand day.

Pull over, stop and let's pray

2010-09-02T18:59:00.003+08:00

These were the words a friend said tonight and it reflects not only what we did (or she did as she drove and spoke to me on her phone) but also what I feel I need to do - now, and for the next little while.

Pull Over: Slow down, check your lanes, see where you can park. Assess the situation. Know where you're at.

Stop: don't do anything

Pray: Invite others to be part of the journey. Most importantly though, ask God.

As someone who tends to jump into things wholeheartedly, going slow can be an issue, especially, going slow when there's no sight of speeding up any time soon! However, one of the first scriptures I ever memorised was Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not to thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths" and I think now is the time to start hearing those words again.

(I also liked some of the quotes I read on this page: http://www.christians.org/grow/grow02.html)

The best day...

2010-08-30T10:17:00.002+08:00

Last night I fell asleep to Taylor Swift’s “The best day” – a song which completely summed up how I felt… and feel : “I had the best day, with you, today.”

For the past 3 weeks my brother closest in age to me has been staying with us, on summer break vacation from his studies in Canada. It has been amazing to have him as part of our “every day” lives again. What stands out so much though is how natural it all was – and for this I’m even more thankful! I’m outstandingly proud of him, not only what he’s doing but who he is as a person – and it was great just to “chill” with him again, as once we did so often.

Taylor Swift’s song has a line in it: “God smiles on my older brother, inside and out he’s better than I am”. I can’t agree more – not only with this brother, but all of them. Each are different, but each are amazing (you can’t hardly tell I’m a little sister can you?) No – not perfect, but pretty darn great.

Yesterday was the absolute cap to his time with us. We had a family brunch in the morning and finished the day with playing Dominion late into the night. With two of my brothers, my incredible sister-in-law, my parents and I just enjoying each other – enjoying the time together – enjoying the fact that we are family, and together we had the best day.

Over Time

2010-08-26T18:01:00.002+08:00

I'm in the process of backing up my 5 year old laptop to wipe and restore - hopefully making it a wee bit faster and prolong its life somewhat. In doing so, I've come across a project which, 2.5 years ago took considerable time. It's a photo book filled with events spanning 4 years.

I mention it because now, when I go to print it, I realise that the service closed in June of this year. All that work, through my own slackness to finish a project, is wasted. I'm not quite sure what to think!

Of course I'm a bit miffed at myself, but I'm also giving myself a fair bit of grace - there was always a reason I didn't want to print that book - always an excuse to hold me back... but now, well, now I there's no more excuses, unless I do it all again with another provider, its too late.

Time is funny that way. Some things we really do think we can take forever on and it won't really matter. Other things we procrastinate on for reasons we would rather not confess, and still other items we hold off of on purpose.

The first is often incorrect - it sometimes does matter and in cases like this photo book, delay can be death. The second is valid at times, perhaps an awkward conversation we'd rather not have, or thinking about the issue is easier than not - but this too can have it's evils. A sore tooth which we avoid visiting the dentist about, may once have been able to be fixed by a simple filling but in choosing not to think about and action it may then have to be pulled when the dentist is finally consulted. Burrying our head in the sand does not often help. The third and last point is something in full knowledge that we choose to avoid - knowing and thinking through all the consequences. Again the problem is this - we don't know the future and can't always forsee the consequences. One might choose to be angry with someone - and then - that someone may die. Or, one may choose not to tell someone you love them and really, all the time they were just waiting for you to. For better or for worse we live with our decisions.

My point is this: Over time things change - sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse, and sometimes irrevocably, and our lack of action can have consequences which we don't forsee.

Carry you to Jesus

2010-08-23T17:50:00.002+08:00

I will not pretend to feel the pain you’re going through
I know I cannot comprehend the hurt you’ve known
And I used to think it mattered if I understood
But now I just don’t know

Well, I’ll admit sometimes I still wish I knew what to say
And I keep looking for a way to fix it all
But we know we’re at the mercy of God’s higher ways
And our ways are so small

But I will carry you to Jesus
He is everything you need
I will carry you to Jesus on my knees

It’s such a privilege for me to give this gift to you
All I’d ever hope you’d give me in return
Is to know that you’ll be there to do the same for me
When the tables turn

And if you need to cry go on and I, I will cry along with you, yeah
I’ve given you what I have but still I know the best thing I can do
Is just pray for you

I’ll carry you
I’ll take you to Jesus on my knees

Lyrics by Stephen Curtis Chapman

amusing

2010-08-23T06:45:00.002+08:00

One would think that every major state newspaper today would be headlining the Australian Election results (or lack there of as the case may be)... one would think. The Northern Territory's headlines today bucked the trend though and have provided us with the following front page. An amusing start to the week:

2010-08-17T12:19:00.001+08:00

I was doing some research on the web and in the process checked out my old church in Hong Kong’s website. I got the biggest pang of nostalgia I can remember in a long time.

I really, really miss my church. I also miss Hong Kong – not what I did there or where I worked, but Hong Kong as a place and city to live. Many of my memories are incredibly fond and while part of me is still recovering from aspects of what happened when I lived there, I would live there again in a heartbeat. I even miss the smells walking down a humid street...

I could do anything at the end of this year – there are so many options that are open to me and things that are possibilities. Do I restrict my options to a direction which I’m currently leaning, or do I instead go “yes, I loved this place, and if it happens again that I move there great – but for now – God – anywhere and anything I’m yours”. It’s a matter of trust – and yes, as someone’s recently reminded me – risk too.

I find myself thankful for the journey that I’m walking with God, my parents and close friends right now – it’s not comfortable, but I have to keep on reminding myself that it’s good. It’s very good.

bliss

2010-08-15T18:15:00.003+08:00

"what are you thinking about" "tomorrow" - these are the last words of my favorite TV Series, The West Wing - a series which I tend to watch all the way through, about once or twice a year. I don't skip through to my favorite parts, even though I know it so well, but I love the progression and watch it season by season through from Year 1 - 7.

Tonight, we watched the final episode and it was, if I do say so myself, the perfect cap to a great weekend.

The weekend started on Friday night, having the neighbors over for dinner. A full on, but delightful experience with two very energetic young boys! The next morning started with this:
Breakfast with my mother - french toast, maple syrup, ice cream, strawberries and banana - Yum... with tea of course! The book you can see is James Herriot's fantastic book (or all his books in one I should say) another of my favorite things to go through every now and then.

I bought my niece's third birthday present, went for a 3 hour ride down at the farm, found a lost paper which I sorely needed (!!) and then had a movie night with my best mates, followed by a brilliant late night phone call with excellent and exciting news from a friend.

This morning started with an incredible church service - it was a church that I hadn't been to much before and as I turned up late, could hear the choir singing from outside - as I looked at the building, the stain glass windows and smelling the flowers on the spring breeze while hearing "Then Sings my Soul" it couldn't but be a grand day.

The sermon was on Joshua - and trust, which I thought was an interesting coincidence considering the pondering of my mind lately.... a huge walk with my dog and an amazing find for Sunday night dinners - $6 porterhouse steak with chips and gravy ($2 extra if you want veg) at my fav. pub for which I shouted my parents and I.

As I lie in bed and write this entry of my weekend I am thankful. My mind and heart are still jumping from point to point, wandering and confused about much more than I'd like to admit - but content. Content that I can still enjoy so many little things which make a great thing, and content that when I step back, away from the turmoil of my mind (which is naught but my own making sometimes) and reflect upon the Maker of heaven and earth - God is in control... and he IS worthy of my trust.

Follow up Quote

2010-08-10T07:54:00.001+08:00

Quote given by a friend in follow up to the last post:

“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear — not absence of fear.” Mark Twain

F.E.A.R.

2010-08-10T06:27:00.002+08:00

I heard yesterday of a colleague whose new car was slammed into while she was stationery - an awful thing for anyone, but it shot waves of horror through me as my dog usually occupies the back of my hatchback. It would be an awfully painful death for him if that ever happened, and even the thought of it makes me question travelling with him places.

Yet, sides of cars are pranged into all the time - does that stop parents from putting children in cars – no, and the thought of an unlikely situation shouldn’t stop me travelling with my dog either. You weigh up the risks (or try to avoid thinking of them) and in most cases do an action anyway.

Fear is a massive thing. It can paralyse us from doing things - it can greatly hinder our lives.

But fear isn't where it has to stop. As Ambrose Redmoon said "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear."

Fear is: Fully Engaged, Actively Risking. Actively risking because we believe that something is more important than the things that held us back, but fully engaged in the moment, reasoning, activity and outcome.

Life can be awfully scary, but if fear holds us back we'll have more regrets than we could ever imagine. Example: I'm not a fan of flying - it holds many of my weaknesses in one action: Saying goodbye to those I love, being out of control, death, and at times loss. But if I let this fear hold me back I'd never have gotten to my Nan's funeral, never experienced amazing cultures and people, never had some unforgettable moments with some very precious friends. Every time I fly I have fear – but it’s the actively risking while being fully engaged which helps me through it.
There’s a lot more things more important in life than fear, and we shouldn’t let it hold us back from experiencing them.

Pop, Praise and Protests

2010-07-25T08:26:00.002+08:00

This isn't going to be an essay on modern culture, as interesting as that would be (to write at least!) it's more a one sided discussion based on two discussions this morning which have led me to sit down and blog my Praise and Protests.

Praise first:
Has anyone heard Stan Walker's new single "Choose You"? In my opinion it is an exceptional song - lyrics, music, tempo - everything - and if you don't like it while there's no accounting for taste, listen to the lyrics at the very least.

In a culture where love is a feeling and being with someone is to make life better for yourself, Stan's song cuts right across this in an upbeat and encouraging way. I Choose You speaks of the daily act that it sometimes is to love someone - whether it be your partner or even someone within your family. It speaks of the true nature of love in a culturally applicable and relevant manner. People may not sit down and read "the five love languages" but they will listen to this song... Brilliant.

Protest:
I read my first "christian romance" novel in many, many months last week and was appalled by it. Not the writing per say, and it wasn't a bad book, but nothing about it except for a few scriptures spattered through it was Christian. What is Christian about creating longing within someone for the unattainable and writing in some cases what could be considered "soft porn for the christian woman"? That last description is a quote from someone who I discussed this with this morning and completely agree - guys won't get this statement but I think girls will - some of the descriptions entice you to daydream in an unhealthy manner, to be the woman that "Mr Perfect" is gazing at with a burning intensity held back from passionately ripping your clothes off (as he might once have done, which was explained earlier in the book) only by his recent conversion and respect for your modesty in a public setting... I hope that last sentence raises the chuckle as it was meant to - and for some to appreciate that it's not too far off what's being written in modern "christian" romance books.

I have a friend who, while married, spends most of her life with her nose in one of these books - I'm all for reading, but the unrealistic and harmful expectations this genre is creating is woeful. Yes, there are a few great authors writing some great stuff out there - but others skirt so closely to what is not edifying and justify it by the love interest converting to Christianity at the end of the book is shocking. I should say, a few of my favorite books have been Christian romances, but after my recent entrance back into the genre after a break I'll be a lot more discerning in my choices.

I'm reminded of a speaker who held a session with single girls in 2003 at a conference on Christian World View I attended - she was asked "what is the best advice you can give a single Christian female" - it was this "don't read christian romances". At the time I phoo phoo'd the comment and said "sure, that's true for some, but not for me" I'm starting to rethink that thought.

I also think that an apology should be made by some authors for always "converting" the man - too many women (some of my friends included) go out with non-Christians thinking that they will convert them (after all... it always happens in the books) - it's un-Biblical and rarely ends up as initially hoped.

Enough of my rant - I'd be interested in what you think though.

On a more personal note:
The break in blogging hasn't been because of anything bad - life is good and aside for a few decisions to make on the horizon, all is very well.

I had holidays recently and took the week off for a stay-cation, reading, listening to teaching on JP2's Theology of the Body, cooking and generally doing things I don't get to do whilst working - twas excellent and most enjoyed.

Compose my life and may it be

2010-07-01T19:24:00.002+08:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about how choices can impact our lives in ways that we can't even imagine - not so much the Sliding Doors thing where if you get on a train or don't what changes in your life, more so the relationships that we have and how these influence us enormously.

This train of thought was enhanced tonight by a random conversation with a long time acquaintance when I went to read a book in Gloria Jeans. We had a great discussion. We talked philosophy, theology, books and a few things besides. When we talked it was like a different segment of my brain came out to play for a while - the part of my brain which loves these things, but doesn't often get the chance to discuss them in quite this manner... I want to talk more, have more conversations like this, read more, delve more, discover more, contemplate more and let those things change me. When I talk to this person it's like all of this is possible and that part of my brain is very happy for being let out to play.

It made me think about how who we talk to, let influence our lives and what we dwell upon can change the course of our life... in the simple way that that some people can make us feel adventurous - we want to be more physical and do more outdoors stuff after being with them or hop on the next plane to Cambodia just because it's a place you haven't been before - with others you might tap into your domestic side and just want to cook or talk family or knit a scarf - others, like this person tonight, made me want to THINK. All of those things, adventurous, domestic, contemplative are part of who I am, but different people bring different things to the fore.

IF

2010-06-27T18:12:00.002+08:00

Life has a lot of "choose this or that" options, and sometimes we don't get it right. When we don't know which option to choose, or we doubt that we'll make the wise and prudent choice, often we seek counsel of those wiser and more experienced than ourselves. I'm so thankful for the giants in my life who provide advice, (sought or not at times!) and while in the end the choices are mine to make and outworkings of decisions mine to live with, I've more of a blessed life due to the trusted people in it.

Many years ago though I read this poem, IF, by Rudyard Kipling. I've loved it ever since and in some ways have to admit it's been a bit of a compass point with how I handle situations - I'm not a man, but I am a human and seek to be a better one.

IF.....

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

Sonnet 14

2010-06-08T19:34:00.007+08:00

This evening whilst packing I picked up one of my first collectible books, Sonnets from the Portuguese by Elizabeth Barrett Browning. It's one of those books I love, not only for the memories and typed contents, but also the exquisite craftsmanship. It's in a hand molded gold case, with the book itself being bound in Italy with a rich red fabric cover, embroidered with flowers. I picked it up tonight, looking for something comfortable and beautiful and read the poem below, a poem that I think many of us would agree with.

Sonnets from the Portuguese 14

If thou must love me, let it be for nought

Except for love's sake only. Do not say

I love her for her smile ... her look ... her way

Of speaking gently, ... for a trick of thought

That falls in well with mine, and certes brought

A sense of pleasant ease on such a day'—

For these things in themselves, Belovèd, may

Be changed, or change for thee,—and love, so wrought,

May be unwrought so. Neither love me for

Thine own dear pity's wiping my cheeks dry,—

A creature might forget to weep, who bore

Thy comfort long, and lose thy love thereby!

But love me for love's sake, that evermore

Thou may'st love on, through love's eternity.

I fly out tomorrow to New Zealand and I'm dreading feeling alone. It's the one outstanding emotion I remember from my Pop's funeral, sobbing at the grave site as he was buried - clinging to a cousin who I hardly knew. As we say goodbye to my grandma, I'm sorry my children will never meet her, that she will never have the chance to meet the husband whom for years she has prayed, and that I will never get to tell her one more time how much she's loved.

Every time I think about her death I feel ill to my stomach. Nan's always been there, a constant in an inconsistent world, loving each of her children and grandchildren for who they were, for who we are - exactly what Elizabeth Barrett Browning is speaking about in this sonnet. The love we hope for in a lover is the same hope we have for our friendships and family. It's a theme that's just as relevant today as it was in the 1800's when EBB penned the sonnett, echoed in today's pop culture by Blessid Union of the Soul's song "She likes me for me".

And yet, as I reflect upon these thoughts, I'm reminded that Nan did know how much she was loved, and one day, one day we will all be together and pain and tears shall be no more, and we will all know how very much we are loved.

a lifetime ending a world away

2010-06-03T18:15:00.002+08:00

As I write this post the life of someone very dear to me is slipping away - the only person who calls me Beth.

God be with you Nan, I hope you pull through.

I'm not alright

2010-05-30T18:57:00.004+08:00

If weakness is a wound
that no one wants to speak of
Then "cool" is just how far we have to fall

I am not immune,
I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall

Can I lose my need impress?
If you want the truth I need to confess

I'm not alright, I'm broken inside

Sanctus Real - I'm not alright

I called a friend from my hotel room last night because I felt like I was crumbling. If you can imagine a person made of sand and the wind blowing hard disintegrating what was once a visible form – that’s how I felt.

At church that morning the pastor shared a word which struck me quite closely on a number of fronts, afterward when I was chatting to him, he offered to pray for me and I gladly said yes.

After church I spent time with a mate and while with him it wasn’t an issue, but walking into my hotel room alone I crumbled and couldn’t stop crying. I would have done anything for a hug, to have somebody with me just at that moment.

I felt broken. I don’t like brokenness. I really don’t like brokenness when I’m alone and it’s just me and my thoughts.

So after an hour I phoned my friend and asked her to pray with me – pray for protection from the thoughts coming off the things that were triggered during the service and the prayer afterward, and things that I came down to Sydney to get away from.

I am so glad that in this moment I was able to reach out to someone and say that I needed help – as my friend said, it’s not something I readily do. But I really needed to ask someone to walk that journey through with me and I'm so thankful for her love, care and prayers.

When I phoned my mom this morning though, she was so thankful that I did break down. That in her mind, the reason I went down to Sydney was so that I could be in a neutral place without the need to keep it all together, which I’ve been pushing myself to do. I’m glad for her wise head saying that it was ok – that I’m ok, even though I’m not.

May was a huge month, yesterday a huge day, last night a huge couple of hours. I REALLY don't know what's going on in my life right now and aside from feeling confused I feel constricted by my lack of choice - I feel as though things have been flung at me and I've just got to take it all in, roll with the punches but without the ability to change anything.

I share all of this for one reason: we're all broken, and I hope when you reach a moment of crumbling you can reach out to someone too, and also remember that it's ok to not be ok.

a child shall lead them... or so we pray

2010-05-26T17:31:00.003+08:00

I got home from coffee tonight to find my next door neighbour's son discussing something with my dad on the doorstep. In one hand he held a bible I'd given him, in the other a string of beads that he'd made at school. He wanted to know why they had to kill the ram, and how the cross was involved. (the story of Abraham and the sacrifice of Isaac)

We answered his questions and I walked him home. It turns out that his mother was reading him the bible while his brother had a bath and when he asked this question she said "honey, I don't know the answer, I could make it up but why don't you go next door and ask Liz instead" .. so he did, and then she asked me to explain it to her on her doorstep.

This family astounds me. They read the bible to their son more than a lot of christian parents I know, they send him to a catholic school where he learns about God (even though I know a lot of christian parents justify sending thier kids to state schools) and are willing to walk his journey of discovery with him.

I love how they've taken their young son to all different types of churches in town because he wanted to see what they were like. As Christian families we don't often do this! We stay within our closet denomination, not experiencing what else is possible, and often don't ask people to explain simple things which we don't understand because we might feel embarrassed.

This little boy is leading both me and his parents to know God better.

Adoration

2010-05-25T19:26:00.002+08:00

Tonight I went to my first Catholic service with a mate from work. It was a service called Adoration and, at his parish, it is a once a week 24 hour service where people can come and go at will, but where there is always someone there praying or reading the bible or in meditative thought.

It was very cool.

We only stayed for about 30 minutes but I was so encouraged during that time. Encouraged by the act, encouraged by the fact that such a service is there, praying in our city non-stop for 24 hours each week, encouraged by the friendship to invite me and openly discuss what we each believe and our journeys to this point.

I was also encouraged by this scripture I read during the time of Adoration:

Psalm 139:

²³ Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

when the past rears its ugly head in the mirror of today

2010-05-25T14:47:00.001+08:00

I’m very self conscious at the moment and while I detest the reasons, detest even moreso that things are bothering me this way, when for many years now I’ve been rather free and comfortable.

I won’t mention the reasons why I’m self conscious but what I do want mention is this: In an age where so much focus is on the body, clothing and image how often I forget that unless we are careful, these things can become central to how we view ourselves.

When something changes in these respects we get a wakeup call for what has over a time of complacency worked its way into our psyche. It’s not a fun thing. Memories from past events come back to haunt us and long dead spectres of deep seeded insecurities stare at us from the mirror.

Two of these haunt me now, and I detest how both make me question my present relationships based upon memories from the past which are conjured. The vulnerabilities of the past are not the same of today, yet my insecurities rear their ugly heads as if they are. The whispers in my head are much worse than what my friends would say, yet I hear them anyway.

In light of this, I’ve started a devotional on Authentic Beauty – a devotional on 1 Peter over two months reminding us of Inner Beauty and what really counts. I don’t like the reasons I’m needing to rediscover some of this material, but I am thankful that our insecurities can lead us closer to God rather than further away.

As unto

2010-05-12T16:05:00.003+08:00

I've heard a lot in my life about "working unto the Lord". I agree that this should be fundamental in our work ethic, however, recent events have caused me to think a lot about it, and a lot about how I've applied it in my life.

I have, due to what could perhaps be described as an over developed sense of responsibility, recently passed on an amazing job with an organisation I hold in very high esteem. Furthermore, due to previously putting work before health care have canceled numerous appointments which I evidently know I should have kept. The last one in particular has had me on antibiotics for a week and in bed the past two days.

The thing is this, God will take care of us, but we also need to take care of ourselves. Yes, we need to work hard, but it doesn't mean that we should cancel appointments or place things on an uneven keel... in all things we need to submit to God, and in all things we need to honour him - in our body: with what we eat, how much rest we get, how we exercise and take care of ourselves - in work: in doing the best we can, in working hard and seeing things through - in our relationships: by not holding grudges, by looking out for each other, by believing in others and seeing the best in them - in life: by living as unto the Lord.

I'm looking forward to pondering this some more - to find the right balance and to implement it.

and even when

2010-05-11T15:26:00.006+08:00

I was driving back to work today from an appointment in town and on my way up the hill I glanced over to the valley beside me and saw this picture. Soon after, I took a photo of it on the way down the hill after doing what I needed to at work and as I look at it now, pray that the impression I had when I saw it was true.

The vista I saw clearer than the photo taken on my camera shows was this - an intense rain storm in one isolated area, one tiny circle of rain, with everything around it being clear from rain.

I felt it showed exactly what I've been going through this past two weeks, and after my appointment in town, am likely to go through for at least the next week too. Three weeks of emotional and physical pain - three weeks of rain, but that there's a limit to it. I certainly hope I'm reaching the edge of the storm and that it will soon be but a memory - but for now, I'm happy to hold on to the thought that "this too will pass".

Before my appointment I had on Matt Redman's song "you never let go" and put it on repeat so that when I got back in the car, no matter what happened during the appointment I'd be encouraged by the words - I'm thankful that I was, and I'm thankful that they're true.

And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back
I know You are near

well... not exactly, but I enjoyed it while it lasted :) and Happy Mothers Day!

2010-05-09T19:02:00.008+08:00

I got serenaded today, mind you, it wasn't for a whole song.. it was just until the men realised I wasn't the mother of my niece and then solely directed their singing to my amazing sister in law. However, it was pretty cool while it lasted - and fun to be included in for even a little while.
We were having a picnic in the park for Mother's Day and it really was the most completely random moment with men in bright orange shirts coming up, giving me a rose (and then taking it back to give to my sister in law who was the actual mother of the delightful girl sitting in my lap) and breaking into song - it was fantastic.The whole day was pretty great - after they left to go and have mother's day with my sister in law's mum (not the men in orange shirts, my brother's family) I took my rug to another park and watched clouds for a while. I've decided that no one needs to have answers when watching clouds. At least, I don't.
Last night was the first night in almost a fortnight where I didn't wake in the middle of the night due to pain - which is another reason why today was so great... but the real reason is this. Although my mother is on the other side of a great big ditch of water I'm incredibly glad that she's my mom. I told her about my lack of waking up last night, to which she replied, I thought so - it was the first night since it all happened that I didn't wake up in the night praying for you. This, along with so many other things hallmarks my mom. I know you read this - so as you didn't get a card this year: "Happy Mothers Day" I love you.... and so does Jake grandma ;)

count your blessings, name them one by one

2010-05-08T19:52:00.005+08:00

I know a lot of people say that they have the best dog in the world.. well, I really do.

Sure, he's allergic to grass (no, seriously he is!) but that's about it (well, other than the put puts you sometimes smell when watching TV.. :(). He lets the neighbour's kids jump all over him and put him in a headlock, he puts a HUGE smile on my face when he plays in the park each day, he has the best bark which even scares me from time to time (he scared the bejeepers out of me the other night when we had a power-out and it was pitch black - I was fine until he started barking and growling as if there was someone else in the room) he gets more compliments then I ever have or will... and he is content. Mind you, he also has a pretty fantastic mum!

Yup - still glad I got him instead of a house or jewelery :)

living others lives

2010-05-08T15:38:00.002+08:00

The weeks just keep on getting better... and thus, to be honest I've been getting a little discouraged.

I've been finding it way to easy to be introspective, and at times paranoid, but I'd say that would be the pain medication and antibiotics which are currently flooding my system, and due to the fact that physical activity is currently making me feel worse I'm sitting at home a lot!

All of this to say, Brother Andrew and his book "The Narrow Road" have been my solace. That and falling asleep at night listening to HTB sermons. Both the book and the amazing speakers at Holy Trinity Brompton take my mind off of me and place it back on a simply amazing God who cares deeply about intimate details of our lives - whether we can feel it at the moment or not.

Sometimes God's answer is no, but He still answers. On a range of fronts I'm praying for the grace to accept the "no" and be thankful for all the things I do have.

Whom Not to Marry: Time-Tested Advice from a Higher Authority

2010-05-03T11:25:00.002+08:00

On Saturday I bought and read Father Pat's Connor's book Whom Not to Marry and really, really enjoyed it. I'm not a great lover of self help books, and have really grown to detest books on singleness, but this book was different and so I took it to Gloria Jeans and read it while sipping my mocha (until the building alarm went off and I decided it was time to leave!) The theme of the book is simple - when we want something a great deal, we can overlook things we shouldn't and this book points out in a sensitive, humorous and applicable way some of those things.

Each chapter is based on a part from 1 Corinthians 13 and what I found so encouraged by is that it wasn't about being married - it was about the qualities involved in making something work in an area where over 50% of those that start off in the journey fail. Yes - I do want to be married - but there's things which are a lot more important than that. Becoming and being a person of character is one of those things.

"Patience is the ability to wait without complaint for what we desire - and what we know in our heart we deserve. Patience gives us the strength to face what is in front of us, while waiting for what may like beyond us."

...still on pain killers - and sooooo over it. My whole body is tense :(

Dwell

2010-05-01T08:49:00.002+08:00

At Easterfest I heard an awesome band called Garage Hymnal - I've been listing to their album quite a lot, but the folowing song "Dwell" has been echoing through my head, echoing the hope which I saw in the painting I bought (and still haven't got!...)

The past couple of weeks have been really interesting. This past week has been up there "toughest weeks of my life" - in addition to an incredible opportunity being presented to me, contemplating and planning for the change that this meant and then realising that what I wanted wasn't possible, I had a dental visit (on the same day that all hit the fan with the other thing) which didn't go according to plan and have been on pain medication since. So Tuesday of this week was in the top 3 worst days of my life considering all that happened within it... but as I write this, my soul dwells in the hope of tomorrow and I'm glad He's still pursuing me.

I hold you at a distance, but you wait so patiently
Gently whisper, gently tell me what I need to hear
You tell me what I need to hear

You say my soul dwells in the hope of tomorrow
I will trust you, and I will sing only
Because my soul dwells in the hope of tomorrow
I will trust you, and I will sing to you

You spent time pursuing me
You sent your Son to die for me
You sang songs of life to me
You sang me songs

You watch me from a distance
And you wait so patiently
Gently whisper, gently tell me what I need to hear
You tell me what I need to hear

You say my soul dwells in the hope of tomorrow
I will trust you, and I will sing only
Because my soul dwells in the hope of tomorrow
I will trust you, and I will sing
Yes I will sing
Lord I will sing only to you

Lord you hear my selfish cries
Lord you read my darkest thoughts
Lord you see my foolish ways
Lord you sense my deepest fears
Lord you know my doubting heart
And still you long, you long for me
I hold you at a distance
But you wait so patiently

Because my soul dwells in the hope of tomorrow
I will trust you, and I will sing

Desperation

2010-04-04T19:37:00.002+08:00

My favorite church service of the year (Easterfest's City Celebration where over 10,000 believers meet together from all denominations in an open air amphitheater) was interrupted tonight by a lady that yelled a question at the speaker from the base of the stage. The speaker stopped what he was doing and asked her a question, it turned out that she was requesting prayer for her husband Philip. The speaker then asked everyone to join with him in prayer for Philip, and afterward asked people to continue to pray for him.

I don't know what she was specifically hoping to have happen in her husband's life. I doubt I'll ever know - but like the woman who out of desperation touched the hem of Jesus' garment, so this lady acted in desperation. She interrupted the attention of ten thousand people to ask for prayer. To ask people to intercede on her husband's behalf... and they did... and some still are.

The situation could have been handled very differently - the speaker could have discreetly ignored her while security or some sensitive lady quietly let her away from the stage... chances are we wouldn't have noticed... and to our shame we wouldn't have. Or we would have thought "ooohh.. there's a crackpot... glad she's now out of the way so we can focus on what he's saying again", but instead, in actions reminiscent of Jesus whom he was speaking about, he stopped, he cared, he invited action and he recognised a desperate heart.

That I might be so sensitive - to both God's will, and others needs.

Passion

2010-04-03T20:12:00.002+08:00

Passion is an incredible thing. When we don't have it about something we can either not realise it, realise it and then forget, realise it and become apathetic/disheartened or realise it and do something about it. Tonight was a bit of a wake-up call in that area for me.

At the beginning of this year I knew I didn't have passion about life. About work. About much in general, especially direction. I knew that things were really good - but that they could be a lot better. As the year has gone on with its highs and lows, in the past few weeks especially, I've lost my passion to do something about it. To make sure that I'm on the right track.

I listened to three mindblowingly good bands tonight. Bands who were passionate about what they did, about life and about God. They had found something that made them buzz - but were very honest with the struggles of life. They were honest that they weren't perfect. That marriages struggled. That they need each other. That they had and continue to have tough times. That life sometimes sucked.

All three of the bands were "BIG" but they spoke with a bareness of the soul that was challenging and provoking. However, they brought hope and fun and life because they shared out of a place and through a medium that their passions and skills met.

Hearing and seeing people who had found where they fit for this section of their lives and were moving in that but staying honest and humble was a huge kick in the pants. What I knew at the beginning of the year hasn't changed, even though it has been covered up with leaves and debris - remnants of challenges. God has something more for me and as comfortable as life can be where I am... comfort doesn't inspire passion, all too often it inspires apathy.

I'm a bit aprehensive about moving forward, but that's also because I don't know what's ahead... I feel a bit alone in it all to tell the truth. However, that's also why I need to get away and know the comfort of the one who does know all things.

I also know though that the desires of my heart for family and love can confuse my thoughts and my prayer is that whatever decisions are made would be God honouring, God believing and God comforting - that is, that I wouldn't do anything out of Obligation, Guilt or a sense that I'd miss out on anything - but that in 20 years time I'd look back and have no regrets - regardless if I'm still single.

Passion. May it capture our hearts when we see it and remind us to examine our lives and hearts for what they have been called to do.

Tired eyes

2010-03-31T19:57:00.004+08:00

Being a person of rather eclectic hobbies I get rather excited when I am close to "tying off" something that I start. The weekend past helped me in one of my current and long continuing endeavors, as, for quite sometime I've slowly been collecting the "Billabong" books by Mary Grant Bruce and I was able to add three more to my bookshelf. They're an older series and best read in an early edition format as they were re-printed later on in life to be more politically correct... and I'd rather not read that edited tosh! Being older books they've been a bit hard to find and I'm glad to say that I now only have two more of the 15 books in the series to add to my bookshelf - quite a feat if I do say so myself.

One of my favorite things is a book that my brother gave me on stories of collectible books and this journey is part of my own sojourn... I've always had a thing for books with history (which is why his gift was so thoughtful), and it's nice to have almost completed a collection to add to my collection. The end is in sight too - I know where the other two can be found :)

The reason for my Title though is this, I've never finished reading the series. I've made myself read book by book through the titles, and until I can buy/find the next one I can't move on. So, after finding three more books (which opens the possibility of 7 more) I've been reading in many of my quiet moments, just dying to find out what happens with Norah, Wally, Jim and Mr Linton. And my eyes are tired because I've been reading so much!

It's also helped me keep my mind off many other things. You see - I've been a bit of a turtle recently and reading has helped process things subconsciously when I've had no idea about how to get through things otherwise. I haven't cried recently, even though I know that a big cry would probably do me good - but thinking that Jim had died made me shed a tear. Wally has made me hope and dream and feel. Norah has made me think of others and Mr Linton has made me wonder how I can give more generously. Books can be an escape, and these books are a healthy one for me right now. They're pure.

When I'm incessantly busy I know that there's something not quite right - this is now... but I also know that if I can push through for another week there's rest ahead. And I'm thankful too for the knowledge that I can Lie Here and God's grace will carry me through and provide me with things like Billabong to help me be a bit more like Galatians 5:22-23 and not 5:19-21 (which I'm afraid I tend more towards :(

I've been listening to the following song quite a bit and it's a nice thing to ponder as I close the computer lid and head off to the land of nod to be a viking (Simpsons quote that a friend shared with me and still makes me smile) (and yes, I tonight, like my hobbies, have been rather eclectic and scattered in thought! - the truth is I was hoping I'd be able to write about something else I've been pondering but this came through my brain and out my fingers instead (!)

Can I lie here in Your arms
Can I lie here in Your arms
My only calm is You
Save me

Can I lie here in Your arms
Can I lie here in Your arms
My only thought is You
Save me

Can I lie here in Your arms
Can I lie here in Your arms
My happiness is You
Save me

Oh how lovely this place
To be with You
To be with You

Oh the brightness of Your face
Here with You
Here with You

Oh my only calm is You
Oh my only thought is You
Oh my happiness is You
Oh my happiness is You

To be with You
To be with You
Save me

(Lyrics by David Crowder: Can I Lie Here)

Bitter Sweet End

2010-03-21T17:37:00.004+08:00

For the past three months more or less our family has journeyed through some pretty tough times - perhaps tougher because it was "closed door" and unable to be shared with those around us - or at least for me unless they lived outside of where I do now and weren't connected to anyone here.

It culminated in an event this morning and which left me feeling exceptionally proud of my family - parents especially. The reason is this: When one goes through times which are bitter and tough, to share of them with a large group not giving vent to that pain but bringing release and sweetness of words instead is an incredible thing. This is what my Dad did.

I'm very proud of him, very proud of my mom and very thankful to God - He gives joy when least expected. For example, this morning before stepping out the door I went to fix my hair and noticed that my mom had muck all through hers - my expanding mousse was mistaken for hairspray and it was everywhere! In the carpet, on her shoes - expanding away. It was good though, because while she wanted to look fabulous, instead she was given something to laugh at whenever she felt otherwise and so was I - especially when her hair turned stiff and straw-like :)

God is the God of the ironic, laughable and joyful - and once again tonight I am very thankful for that. We have a choice in these moments - it could have been a crying day, instead though, we're all smiling.

Equine Angels

2010-03-20T17:16:00.003+08:00

For the third Saturday in a row I left my bed before 5:00am, today to help out at a Horse Show and Sale. The requirements were that to sell your horse you needed to show them before hand, and as I've been so busy lately, my help unfortunately came with the problem that I couldn't handle the horse beforehand - just turn up and show.

While I've had a fair bit of experience with horses, I can with an unfamiliar, inexperienced, young or nervous horse become quite skittish myself - unfortunately - this horse had all four qualities. While usually very quiet, the experience of being in a show/sale environment got to his head (I can imagine moreso considering the float was hit by a car on the way there, jack-knifing the float and causing them all a great deal of fright, but thankfully no injury). Well, after we led the wee one away from his friends he went "ape *&^%" - rearing and having quite a few issues.

So, I prayed. I prayed that angels would be with us as we were in the ring, calming him and helping me not make it so that prospective buyers would be put off buying him. He usually is a quite horse and he was young and just very over it! I was incredibly thankful when we came out of the ring with him not disgracing either of us.

The other angelic moment was when one of the guys there went in and walked a horse around before sale for another one of the guys. He saw a need, stepped in, offered and helped. There was something in that awareness and care for others, along with the ability to help that deeply impressed me.

Our three horses showed (at well below what they were worth, but to competitive homes which offsets the price) and to my great delight the two geldings who had been raised together as paddock mates and stable mates and all round good mates went to the same home - which in an auction situation with 100 other horses was an awesome thing. I was a bit emotional at the thought of them parting and when I found out that they were going to the same home I must admit that I was much relieved.

Oh - and for people that were interested - the artwork I'm purchasing will look something very much like this: Click Here

No Clothes and Happy

2010-03-16T09:38:00.002+08:00

No, I haven't joined a nudist colony or any other such thing... I've bought a painting - the price of which will greatly restrict my purchasing of clothing for the remainder of the year.

After coming home from Canberra (note: very, very thankful for that time and while there were challenges of which I wrote, there was also some extraordinary moments and new friendships which were formed - and for which I am very thankful) I developed a cold :( starting with an extraordinary sore throat. Considering the woman's camp I was speaking at was that weekend I was tired, sick and perhaps a little worried.

On Saturday we went to Mooloolaba and popped into an art gallery. It was there that I saw "Glory" a painting of a sunrise over the ocean. The artist in his description of it speaks of the hope which is in new day, even if we don't see the sun rise and how the colours changed so fast he felt God laughing at him "see if you can keep up with me David". The painting has joy and life and expression.

The original was out of my price range, however, the Curator noticed my interest and asked me if I would be interested in commissioning a smaller work of the same subject. "Yes!" was my reply, but that I would think on it overnight. I'm glad I did. I watched that evening a DVD of the Author and read more on his works - he uses some symbols within his artwork - one of them being a trumpet. The trumpet is a herald instrument and he uses it to symbolise the call which each of us have on our lives and the things which we are passionate about. In this stage of my life this was a very meaningful symbol, so when I went back to confirm my commissioned work, I asked if the artist could paint a trumpet where he signs his name. She called, he said he loved the idea and thus I will get it in my painting. Every new day there is hope (regardless of whether we see or feel it) and the call on our lives is still there. There's a lot more to this painting and the layers of meaning that I won't share here but I'm rather glad I won't be buying any more clothes this year!

The women's camp and talk went well too :)

I am now home for the day though with my contagious cold drinking hot lemon, ginger, cinnamon and honey tea with english muffins - maybe being sick isn't sooo bad???

change of plans

2010-03-08T06:29:00.000+08:00

Sometimes we can have romantic illusions as to what servant-hood is. I’ll be able to do “___” or “_____” or such and such will think so well of me we think with rosy and perhaps tainted glasses. Then... we find ourselves in a true place of humility where what we want falls to the wayside and what we need to do comes to the fore.

In the midst of an extraordinarily busy month I was really looking forward to coming down to the Conference I am now at – to sit and listen at the feet of people whom I greatly respect and help out here and there (where I choose to of course – my boss after all said I could do as little or much as I wanted). I had thoughts of in my spare time writing up some things that are in my brain and in the hecticness of the moment haven’t been able to write them out yet. Bits and pieces from things I’ve read but haven’t worked through fully... I had plans.

On Saturday night two of my brother’s good friends and I had just poured three amazingly tantalising glasses of red wine from a bottle. There they sat, and there they stayed... untouched, untasted, unappreciated. The night ended very differently with a late night trip to the hospital which changed the outlook for this time away for me.

I’ve struggled with this change, even though I see God’s hand of providence that I came and am able to assist in the shoes of the staff member who is ill. Sometimes we need to ramp up and serve in a different way to meet the needs that are evident, even if that means making cups of tea for others when you want one desperately yourself or readjusting the framework of your planning to lend a hand... and trust that God will take care of you.

I still have so many questions I really want to ask these guys. I want guidance from them – I want to learn from them – I want to listen to them... but I also need to get my thoughts in order and be less than the emotional wreck that I feel inside to do so... but again, neither of these things are possible.

2010-02-25T19:44:00.001+08:00

Colossians 4: ⁵Walk in wisdom towardoutsiders, making the best use of the time. ⁶Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.

This was a cool scripture to be reminded of tonight.

Fascinating!

2010-02-25T17:01:00.004+08:00

After a MASSIVE week I rushed out after work tonight to have coffee with someone that I met recently. It was one of the most fascinating conversations I have had with someone in a long, long time.

We have differing faiths, and, with this being understood had a great time discussing a variety of topics. Charity work, music, travel, life in general, goals and values.

He was flattering, open, engaging and dynamic - yet reserved and very polite - as he has been since I've known him.. yet, as neither of us will date outside of our faith, there was no awkwardness in defining the relationship. A spoken agreement that it was nice to have a conversation with someone so grounded, but no thinking that this is a possible partner.

I'm glad I've made a new friend, and I'm also thankful for the experience I met him through and understanding gained about his faith, along with the challenge it has been to live my own more fully.

With that being said - I'm off to the first night of a course called The Truth Project.

ROFL

2010-02-19T20:45:00.003+08:00

Poor Piglet, by Peter MacMullin. Published in the Sunday Mail on May 3, 2009.

wow.

2010-02-19T19:05:00.003+08:00

Recently I was reading Style magazine from our local paper and read an article about an amazing company in town called Vera & Rose. The lady who runs it was at the party today and recognised me from when I went to TAFE with her... it was a few years ago so I didn't feel bad about not recognising her! She's a florist who works from home and also plans and manages events (baby showers, weddings etc) It's a very small world and in the town that I live life is much smaller ;)

Reading her site today I was directed to another blog which had some of the most amazing images on it: yes, they're of a wedding (she is a wedding planner) but I'm posting them regardless of the connotation just because they're so amazing. The First. The Second. Beautiful things should be celebrated - words, images, events and people.

To top off a lovely day my Rugby team caining one of the best teams in the league - Go Reds GO! I haven't had cause to celebrate my team in a while so it's well worth mentioning here - perhaps more so than the above :D

Why I go AWOC....

2010-02-18T18:33:00.004+08:00

Why is there so little anxiety to get time to pray? It is the want of these solitary hours that not only injures our own growth in grace but makes us such unprofitable members of the church of Christ,and that renders our lives useless.

It is not in society - even Christian society - that our soul grows most rapidly and vigorously. In one single quiet hour of prayer it will often make more progress than in days of company with others. It is in the desert that dew falls freshest and the air is purest. So with the soul. it is when none but God is nigh; when His presence alone, like the desert air in which there is mingled no noxious breath of man, surrounds and pervades the soul; it is then that the eye gets the clearest, simplest view of eternal certainties; it is then that the soul gathers in wondrous refreshment and power and energy.

And so it is also in this way that we become truly useful to others. It is when coming out fresh from communication with God that we go forth to do His work successfully.

Horatius Bonar, Words to Winners of Souls
Reading for February 17th (read a day late!)
Celtic Daily Prayer: Prayers and Readings from the Northumbria Community

(thanks Steve for my pressie!!)

Catharsis

2010-02-16T20:32:00.002+08:00

Catharsis is a Greek word meaning "purification", "purging", "cleansing" or "clarification." (according to Wikipedia)

I'm in need of it. Every definition above, in need.

Thankfully, the weekend is coming and for a night and a bit I'm going AWOC (away without communication) to get this from the Lord, and to spend time on the sermon I'm preaching in 3 weeks.

Catharsis. I can't wait.

Timothy and Barnabas but lacking Paul...

2010-02-11T18:52:00.002+08:00

I got home tonight thinking about the concept alluded to above - that of mentoring.

After googling what a friend mentioned on the need in our lives for a Timothy, Barnabas and Paul (and the fact that we should be that to others) I got thinking again about the lack in my life of a Mentor - of a Paul.

http://daletedder.blogspot.com/2008/05/who-is-your-paul-barnabas-and-timothy.html

The concept (as outlined a bit in the above link and on many others when you google "paul timothy barnabas mentoring") is this: We have someone that mentors us (Paul) We have someone that walks the road with us (Barnabas) We have someone that we mentor (Timothy), and vise versa - "Basically, we need to be a Paul, Barnabas, and Timothy and to have a Paul, Barnabas, and Timothy."

I got home tonight from being a Paul - or at least something that is developing into that with three girls who I've made myself available to. Tonight was the first night that we got together since they graduated and, to my surprise, have asked if we could make it a regular fortnightly thing.

While this is good, it reinforces something that I've been thinking about for the past two years: I need a Paul.

Gasp moments

2010-02-03T17:33:00.001+08:00

I watched the first episode of a program last night where one of the main characters dies... throughout the episode, over the following weeks and months, every now and then one of the remaining characters would suddenly remember and have what I would term a “gasp moment”. That often sickening moment where one remembers something that happens, and you feel the shock/pain/emotion of it all over again. You live your life normally, but every now and then IT hits.

I’ve been having a few of these Moments lately, especially today. When one is tired I think they hit more. The unreality we construct for ourselves in hopes and dreams can’t be sustained when other faculties are strained.

I don’t think though that these Moments are always bad. They can remind us that things we were working towards can no longer be, thus reinforce the need to move on. They can strengthen our resolve. They’re not necessarily pleasant moments, but they’re not bad for us.

Sneaking around the corner

2010-02-02T20:02:00.002+08:00

I wish life was easy. I have friends who tell me it's ok when it all gets confusing because then it makes life interesting - I reckon that life is interesting regardless. It's interesting enough seeing dew on the grass, an unexpected thing in the day that makes you smile, a seemingly unsolvable problem that you work out... a whole range of things - but messiness and angst and ick?!? Spare me please! It's fun when you know that it's all going to end up well - otherwise I have enough things at work alone to make me stressed or sad or angry without asking for more.

3 days out of 7 I wonder which way is up. I hate feeling that way. Hate feeling fragile - hate others suffering and not being able to help them. Hate being afraid of hurting people. Hate not feeling I can be myself (or wondering who that is). Hate feeling angry over matters which are out of my control and I'm too scared to trust God with them.

The thing that gets me is this - I've been asked to preach at the Sunday service of a woman's camp. I said yes yesterday. Me - messed up me. It's a huge thing and I didn't say yes lightly (just in case you were wondering...). The person who asked me knows me pretty well - knows a lot of my faults and failings and still felt to ask, still wanted me to share God's Word.

What's really heartening though is that God still keeps on believing in me. Believing in us. Giving us chances and opportunities that scare the wits out of us and cause us to keep on falling back into His arms. Keep on falling back (think a really soft feather bed lying behind us that is safe and secure and envelops you completely when you land upon it) into the One who loves us so much that He died for us. The one who says "Run the race" with the knowledge that we can - even when we doubt ourselves. He never doubts us.

I don't know anyone that has life all together. We can pretend all we want that our 2 hours of "this is right and all makes sense" is actually how our whole life is. Kids get sick, parents get older, jobs get lost, dinner gets burnt, cars need repair, brains get foggy with too much to think of - life can be difficult - and I'm praying that what God gives me to share in a month's time is real. That it doesn't bring focus to me, or to events, or to anything else other than God. And as I seek to bring His light, may I also bring the reality of the tension in which we live, and God's redeeming mercy throughout it all.

Streeetttcchheeedd... and more flexible than prevously thought

2010-01-23T20:12:00.003+08:00

I'm home. I'm safe. I'm still going through in my mind one of the most challenging experiences in my life.

I'm very tempted to go into the aspects of this challenge, but due to specifics which would need to be mentioned I won't - suffice it to say that I've often wondered if I would have the patience to be a mom and not lose my temper and continue to love and show love - tonight proved that I have more patience and can express an even temper far better than I ever thought possible. While I still have my doubts, I've experienced first hand God's grace in parenting (or pseudo parenting) situations. I can also perform first aid on a screaming, overtired child on the side of a highway.

I've been thinking a lot about Romans 5:3-5:

³Moreover [let us also be full of joy now!] let us exult and triumph in our troubles and rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that pressure and affliction and hardship produce patient and unswerving endurance. ⁴And endurance (fortitude) develops maturity of character (approved faith and tried integrity). And character [of this sort] produces [the habit of] joyful and confident hope of eternal salvation. ⁵Such hope never disappoints or deludes or shames us, for God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit Who has been given to us.

In one situation where I consider this verse I'm encouraged, because I know that the suffering one person I dearly love is going through lines up with what this scripture says. And they're able to handle it better than they could have because of experiences in the past. Yes, it's hard. Yes I've never seen this person suffering as they are now. I've never had to carry the load for them in the way I am now - yes, it's heartbreaking, but I can stand in confidence on this verse and many others in my prayers - that they would be encouraged and uplifted and redeemed...

In the other situation which is on my heart so much tonight, I can't see any application for this scripture. The participants are too young. The experience that they're going through too painful to contemplate and I am far from being able to see any good in it or coming from it...

The thing is - both situations impacted my afternoon and evening and God was in that and helped me learn things I would never have otherwise.... so really, I should be encouraged - but instead, while I'd love to say something happy and uplifting - the truth of the matter is... well.... tonight I'd sell a hug for 5c, and I'm about 12 hours off rejoicing in my, or anyone else's suffering.

No need for anyone to comment on this post!

2010-01-20T19:44:00.003+08:00

i wish i could make everything better i wish you never had to experience pain that i can only imagine i wish i could shield you and that you would know how much i love you one day when you're old enough we'll talk about it i hope by then i'll won't be another example in your life of failed commitment i hope soon that you'll start to laugh and play without the weight of sadness that you carry with you everywhere i'll fly anywhere to give you a hug for free

always worshiping...

2010-01-19T16:17:00.006+08:00

Right now each one of us is worshiping. It doesn't matter if you're "religious" or not... we're all worshiping. So writes Harold Best, the author of Unceasing Worship (the link also includes the ability to download an excerpt). It's based upon that idea that God is constantly outpouring of himself, his goodness, love, justice, mercy etc... and thus man as Imago Dei (the image of God) reflects that outpouring back in worship.

A teacher at my school shared this concept today and elaborated to say that that if we have a problem with sin or habitual sin, the chances it is occurring when we are worshiping something other than God. It made a lot of sense to me - issues in my life, and areas that aren't quite right - when I look at what's behind them it's not always what I'm doing that's really wrong, but rather the focus (or the reason behind why I'm doing what I'm doing) that's off. I'm worshiping pride, self-sufficiency, lust, comfort... any number of things other than God. I'm worshiping creation or a facet of creation rather than the Creator. And we all do it all the time. Whatever we're worshiping outworks itself into visible aspects of our lives.

When we sin Best states the following:

When we sin, worship does not stop. It changes directions and reverts back to what it once was [after the fall], even if only for an instant. Repentance— the turning from and (re)turning to—is the only solution.

We are constantly worshiping. When we're watching TV we're worshiping .. something. When we're talking to friends we're worshiping... something. When we're working - worshiping. Shopping - worshiping. Singing - worshiping. Laughing - worshiping, exercising, loving, crying, painting, reading.. you get the idea. Sometimes we're worshiping God, sometimes we're not.

There's a lot more to this concept that I haven't said and if you're interested I'd encourage you to read the articles available on the link above.

When it all hits the fan...

2010-01-16T15:55:00.003+08:00

2 people who are very close to me are going through some huge things at the moment.... and it's all hitting the fan.

In one case I've made the effort to keep the relationship with the other party - dropped by a six pack of beer that they like and had a good chat on the phone for an hour or so, letting them know there's no hard feelings and that I was glad for them and the next journey they were stepping out into (note: not a romantic break-up but a business one). My friend was cool with this and encouraged it.

In the second case things aren't quite so simple. I find myself struggling with not holding a secondary offence, and wanting to head in to fight on behalf of this person with vengeance. I know we're not supposed to hold grudges, that the act of doing so is not only detrimental to our health but also our walk with God. I know that God is the only one who has the right to judge... but still... there's a big part of me that goes "mess with my ____ and you mess with me" I want to be GI Jane in the situation.

Unfortunately, that would be the worst thing I could do. So what am I left with...? the familiar theme echos in my ears "trust and pray" "trust and pray"

Pushing Through

2010-01-09T18:48:00.004+08:00

For the past two days I've been having quite a few "pushing through" moments - times where all within me (apart from some small whisper of encouragement) is saying "you can't do this" and feeling the anxiety and doubt levels rising close to the point of considering quitting.

It wasn't just learning to ride a motorcycle, which in and of itself had its own huge challenges (FYI today I transitioned from the parking lot to riding 80Km on the road and riding through Brisbane's suburban streets :), looking back over this weekend the moment which had the most personal achievement for me was in my hotel room last night.

My hotel room was reasonably dodgy (i.e. cheap and fairly nasty by Australian standards), and I'd been fleetingly considering sleeping in my car rather than staying there (silly I know!). I'd just hung up from talking to a friend on the phone when I realised that my phone battery was very, very low. So here I was, about to go to sleep, remembering the fact that I didn't tell anyone where I was staying or what suburb or what company I was doing my course through and freaking myself out that if something did happen in the night that I wasn't kosher with I couldn't phone anyone - and, if something happened during my ride the next day, how would I let people know?? and, and, and!!

Instead of giving into my emotion I stopped. I prayed. and I felt convicted as to who/what my trust was in. My trust shouldn't have been in my phone. My trust shouldn't have been in the people I could contact through it. My trust shouldn't have been in the security of my surroundings. My trust should have been, and should always be in, regardless of and especially in scary situations, God. It was amazing how once this conviction came and I repented how quickly I got to sleep and slept through the night (until the building alarm sounded at 6:20am). While I often work through things with God, this, for reasons that are hard to explain was entirely different - it was like moving up to an entirely new and bigger level.

Positive Self talk is a powerful tool - I heard my fellow Learners discussing it all day, it can enable us to Push Through when otherwise we might not.
Negative Self Talk can be disastrous, I know this very well from experience. It can very effectively stop us from Pushing Through.
However, this weekend's lesson of stopping to listen to God's voice, instead of any talk going through my own head - priceless, and worth all the scary experiences.

I'm no Lara Croft

2010-01-08T14:02:00.002+08:00

...but even she had to start somewhere

I'm sitting at an internet cafe with 10 minutes time to write this blog, and my fingers keep on hitting the wrong keys on the silly keyboard so it's likely to be a short one! and backspace is in the totally wrong position :(

Today I had my first session learning to ride a motorbike... yes, I hear you know calling your friends (no matter where you are in the world) telling them to stay off the roads just in case! Actually, after a SHOCKING start (I was the only person today to fall off thier bike and drop it "ouch" and I did it on the first exercise :( it was a whole lot of fun. A lot still to learn and it will be a huge shock if I get my P's tomorrow but that haveing been said I'm really glad I'm doing it, even if I'll be repeating the process of another session next week.

I blog about my experience while it's so fresh in my memory for a very simple reason. Today I learnt that while I'm not exactly a perfectionist, I do like to get things right and know how to do them well - with something like learning to ride a bike, I'd probably be doing much better at it if I just wasn't trying so hard. Probably another good thought to carry me through this year.

With that thought and MANY aching muscles I'm off to my hotel :) No more internet until I get home tomorrow night so emails will have to wait - this keyboard is awful!!!

btw : this is one of my "I'm going to give it a shot" things for the year!

Ha De Ha Ha Ha

2010-01-05T16:34:00.002+08:00

Today I made a mistake - a silly, stupid and unthinking mistake on a simple test... and I couldn't stop laughing at myself over it.

If only I could laugh at all mistakes this way :)

Pondering Encouragement

2010-01-05T09:25:00.003+08:00

"... criticism - however valid or intellectually engaging - tends to get in the way of a writer who has anything personal to say. A tightrope walker may require _practice_, but if he starts a theory of equilibrium he will lose grace (and probably fall off)." — J.R.R. Tolkien (The Letters of J.R.R. Tolkien)

I had a phone call yesterday with a great friend who encouraged me to try things, and if I didn't like them not to worry as I wouldn't have to do them again, but at least I'd tried and gave it a go. It was such a contrast to what I'd heard earlier that day from another friend, cautioning me from doing anything other than what I already am.

Both these friends have walked some very hard journeys with me. Both these friends are amazing and valued and incredibly gifted. Both these friends are in very different places. Both these friends spoke into my life - but one hindered momentum and the other encouraged it. Encouragement means to "give courage or confidence or hope". I felt encouraged after talking to one, and disheartened after discussing the same things with the other.

I write this simply for two reasons, one, as a reminder that our words can bring life or death, and two as a reflection upon the year thus far. I've stuffed up pretty majorly this year already, however, God in his grace and wisdom and love has brought some pretty cool stuff out of that stuff up. Things were able to be discussed without my usual emotion because emotion had been released in my stuff up, thus only honesty remained when it was time to talk things through.

The second point may seem off base, but it's not when viewed in entirety. Walking forward there are many errors I might make, many wrong turns I might take- but God, from very recent experience, I know can bring life out of death, hope out of despair, and can make things stronger through experiences.

God is a redeeming God and this year as I hope to step out into new things and make way for Him to work in my life I'm encouraged by Him. My Courage, Confidence and Hope are found in Him - or so may it be!

The little things

2009-12-21T19:20:00.003+08:00

Tonight I volunteered with great trepidation to sing Christmas Carols in our local public hospital.

For one thing, I'm not a fan of hospitals (although I doubt I'm alone in that) and two, I love Christmas Carols, especially when sung in beautiful harmonies... this however was not going to be the case tonight.

So I put in my flashing angel earrings (a secret santa gift from years ago that still brings the joy :) and headed to the hospital with the thought in mind that they might be too sick to care what we sounded like.

I'm now, obviously, typing this following the event and I am really thankful that sometimes we take the time to do little things for others. It really wasn't any hassle to go out tonight and sing to people for a couple of hours, but it did mean a lot to them and their families.

We started in the critical care ward, standing in one place in the middle of the ward, singing songs and wondering what Christmas will be like for the people and family of those in the ward. From there we went to the surgical units, on to orthopedic and finished up in the rehabilitation ward.

Two men and one woman are hovering in my thoughts as I write this, one was a man who looked at me when I said Merry Christmas to him and made the comment as much to himself as to me "Merry Christmas to you to darling" it was said with such an Aussie genuineness that I was really touched. Another man was in the rehabilitation ward after a car/motorbike accident. He was lying on his bed, with his wife next to him, holding her hand and giving us the thumbs up and attempting to sing - he requested Away in a Manger and as we sung it had tears streaming down his face and his wife struggled to hold hers back. He kept saying when we'd finished - God bless you, God bless you... our simple song touched his heart and broken mind and body in a way that I can't imagine, and as I write this I ask that your prayers and good will be with him and his wife. The third was a lady, also in the rehab ward who cried as we sang and requested more songs than anyone else - as she was wheeled away the nurse mentioned to her "they really are doing God's work".

Sometimes we make ministry more complicated then it needs to be. Tonight we ministered to people that needed it, and it was as simple as taking the time to say "yes, I'll come and sing".

Home

2009-12-18T13:41:00.004+08:00

I've been thinking a lot about the concept of "home" these past few days. These thoughts have sprung from a conversation I had with my mom in which she asked if I felt at home/at ease where I was holidaying, and if so, was wondering if that was because I was born there. She likened it to how she feels in a big city, or how dad feels in the country or how I feel when I visit Asia or New Zealand. That sense of simple contentment which I've never felt on a consistent basis here, other than it's the place I know like the back of my hand and due to that so easy to live in.

In Google when you type define:home one of the definitions that pop up is this:

base: the place where you are stationed and from which missions start and end

That definition encompasses how I feel about where I live now. It's my base, and it isn't "a place of refuge and comfort" (Wikipedia) for any other reason than the people that are here. In addition, interestingly, when asked these past two years if Toowoomba is now my home I've always replied saying "It's my base".

My church in Hong Kong was my home - I felt instantly and contitinually comfortable there. It seems to be my reference point for how comfortable I feel. Another church I've been to recently was that as well, but oddly enough, not my current one although I've been going there for longer than I can remember.

Home is an interesting concept to ponder. And, moreso when we consider what Christ said in Matthew 8 and Luke 9 where he states he has no place to rest his head, and in addition, the references to our Heavenly home.

I have Eli's live album playing in my head where he speaks of a discontent in all our hearts when we realise that "I'm not home", then in my jumbled head I jump to Jamie Smith's song "home" where the lyrics read:

My heart fails
My mind falters
Sometimes my passion fades
Sometimes my desires change
Sometimes I turn my head and I look the other way

When I'm restless you are rest
When I'm helpless you are help
When I'm nervous you settle me
When I'm empty you fill me
When I've gone to far you gently bring me home
'Cause you are home

Home is where my history begins
Home is where you delight in me
Home is where your voice is in my ear
Home is where you dance with me

At the end of the day, and at the end of my ponderings I think I'll come to the same conclusion that I have now - whatever restlessness I feel, whenever I feel it, it should draw me closer to God than further away from him. They say that home is where the heart is, and if so, my home is all over the world with the people I love in many, many places... and I'm comfortable with that. In terms of my discussion with Mom, well - that's another issue entirely :)

Zero KPH?

2009-11-01T12:05:00.007+08:00

On the corner of Bridge and Mary my speedometer stopped working yesterday - no speed indication, no odometer changes and no trip meter additions - nothing - but my rpm was working and after checking with a mechanic friend (whose advice was to follow the speed of the cars around!) So I continued on, picked up my mate and headed to the coast following another friend on our way to the Australian Outback Spectacular's new show.

It was an odd sensation...Driving along at 100(?) kph I felt like I was being towed by my mate's ute in front of us as I kept speed with them. On the way back (my friends stayed at the coast) I plugged in the "home" location into my gps phone and let that tell me my speed (probably more accurately then my speedometer before it broke!).

Tomorrow my car will hopefully be fixed - but it made me realise how odd it can feel when one of our reference points is missing. I didn't like the sensation of driving with acurate knowledge of my speed, other than to hope my friend and his girlfriend's ute was travelling the signed speed (especially when we passed a police radar). Sure, I had other reference points - but it wasn't the same.

The past week was crap - it felt just like driving along at 0kph, and unfortunately, also like my car I didn't correct when restarted in the morning.

[stop now should you wish to excape the cheesy ending]

This coming week though WILL be better... Like my car I have a mechanic to go to *cheese :D*

driving to nowhere and ending up somewhere

2009-10-25T12:49:00.003+08:00

I got in my little car and drove this morning with no destination in mind, started on my favorite highway, turned down a few unknown roads end ended up in a glorious valley in the middle of nowhere... I just needed to get out, to reflect and to come to terms with a few things. More than that though, my heart's been quite focused on something lately and I needed to get some perspective. I needed to have peace that knew whatever happens, it's all going to be good, either way. To tell God that I do trust him, and to have him speak to my heart with no other voices going through my head.

So I got in the car and drove my car places it should not drive to... and through water and rocky roads that a wee little city car like mine should not go :) and it was good.

I parked in a National Park (note for the future though: tell someone before you get out of mobile range where in Australia you actually ended up, which direction you went and well.. the fact that you've gone!!) and, as I had no idea that I'd end up there, said "stuff safety" and proceeded to hike in my open toed dress sandles and shorts.

All the way along I just wanted to sit by water and reflect, so you can imagine how amazed I was when around the first corner I came by this view.

It looks prettier in real life. Breathcatchingly so.

I sat on a rock. Reflected. Prayed. Came to Peace... and then drove home in half the time :)

This week will be huge, but I'm so thankful for the opportunity I had today. I'm also thankful that whenever whatever happens, my perspective has shifted once more where it's supposed to be. Focus on the highest point and all the rest falls into place with clarity.

Like a shadow over the heart bad news cometh...

2009-10-24T15:48:00.003+08:00

This afternoon I got some news that made me just want to go for a walk in the rain. . . which I did.

The birds still sung when the rain had stopped, my dog still wagged his tail and nothing fundementally has changed in my life. I still feel really sad though for my friend and her family. Sad is not the word. Gut-renched is more like it.

Thanksgiving.

2009-10-09T14:15:00.002+08:00

I had a really, really sucky day today. As I type this I feel like curling in a ball and watching something that makes me laugh, or feel special, or even just cared for. Which is crazy – because I know I’m fun, I am special and more than that I’m cherished.

I’m just finding it hard to see the good things right now after a really hard day at work, and a few personal things cropping up too.

Ironically, tomorrow night I’m holding Thanksgiving. Big Turkey, heaps of people, the works.

I decided to have this because too often we forget to be thankful. We don’t stop. We don’t reflect. We don’ t just even pause to say thank you. And when we do we soon forget, just like I’ve done with the end of this week. There’ve been some fabulous points throughout this week, some great laughs with a friend, some happy moments of encouragement and being blessed in return, an incredible weekend and holiday before that – and yet, too soon in the business of the week and the suckiness of my day I’ve forgotten.

Pause, remember the good, be thankful = the resolution to a bad day.

Perspective

2009-10-01T17:45:00.003+08:00

I've signed up to do a "Team Penning" course on the weekend, which, is probably not the best of ideas all round considering my need to further de-stress before school goes back. Especially as the trainer is one of Queensland's best riders...

By Sunday night I'll have been in the saddle four days straight.

Basically, I've been defeating myself in my mind before I even get there. I want to appear good. I want to win. I want to show I can handle myself. I want to be liked.

Interestingly though, I had a wake up call while praying about it. A wake up call which was obviously needed. Instead of the "I" focus, my perspective needs to change - simply - that God might be glorified in my actions, whether I make a fool of myself or not. It's how I react to what happens that counts. My example - my attitude - and my reflection of Jesus is what matters. Especially in a community which knows very little of him. Yes, have fun, yes be myself, yes feel free to joke and have a beer - but endevour to let God shine instead of have others think well of I.

The rest can learn to live with whatever happens... and soak in the bath afterwards!

a long time coming

2009-09-29T18:38:00.003+08:00

Yes - it's been a while hasn't it. Instead of going into the "gap" though of time that has passed since I last entered anything on this blog - I wanted to take a moment and delight in God's grace, greatness and gentleness.

Grace:
God's "unmerited favour". I have just had the most amazing gift of a weekend - spending time with friends, being reminded of who I am in Christ and that it's better to wait patiently for something than settle for less. While being overwhelmed by the shops of Sydney (I know... who would have thought!) I am thankful that the prayer my friend prayed on Saturday night was answered - I, with unmerited favour, received yet another gift from God. And as I reflect, this is a common theme in my life.

In fact, as I type I'm reminded of this song by Sarah Groves

Morning by morning I wake up to find
The power and comfort of God’s hand in mine
Season by season I watch Him, amazed
In awe of the mystery of His perfect ways
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful to me.

I can’t remember a trial or a pain
He did not recycle to bring me gain
I can’t remember one single regret
In serving God only, and trusting His hand
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful to me.

This is my anthem, this is my song
The theme of the stories I’ve heard for so long
God has been faithful, He will be again
His loving compassion, it knows no end
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful, He’s always been faithful
He’s always been faithful to me.

Greatness:

³³Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable his judgments,
and his paths beyond tracing out!
³⁴"Who has known the mind of the Lord?
Or who has been his counselor?"
³⁵"Who has ever given to God,
that God should repay him?"
³⁶For from him and through him and to him are all things.
To him be the glory forever! Amen.

I'm very "quotey" tonight, but I feel these things bursting out of my skin, my heart, my SOUL in a way that they haven't for some time. Part of this is that I've had some time - the first "time" I've had in a while where I can just do what I want and not feel like I have to be in control all the time just to keep it together. The other part of this is that I've had another, a fresh should I say, revelation of God's greatness - that He is GOD and my life is in his hands. I can make choices, but my choices will be far from what God actually desires. As Bebo Norman puts it (I know... another quote but I've been really impacted by some great songs in the last few months)

I want a crumb, but you are a feast
I want a song, but you are a symphony
I want a star, but your a galaxy

And I have resolved that I'm much better off
In what you have for me
I'm begging you to hold on tight
Begging you to take my life from me

So tell me you won't let go
Tell me you won't let go
Cause you are the only hope for me
Take my life from me, It's the only hope for me
Take my life from me, It's the only hope for me
And I'll never want for more
I'll never want for more

Gentleness:
Some deep issues have been pricked recently, but before each one, God has been gently preparing me to hear His voice when it has come. The coming of his voice hasn't been easy at times, but I'm so grateful that though His grace he has gently prepared the way.

It's good to be back. I've been doing really well for a while now, but it's great to have the urge to download some of what is in my head.

A Very Good Day

2009-07-03T16:18:00.002+08:00

I'm on holidays. It's a very good thing. But today, especially, was a great day.

2 things happened today which I want to share (I know I've been quite quiet lately - things to say but after looking at a computer every day I haven't been in the mood to write them out).

Firstly, after reading a book all morning, I took a long drive out to Maclagan. I've started doing things like this quite a bit - having a destination a few hours away in mind and just getting in the car and driving. I love it. I went out, visited a winery, bought a few wines and drove home.

Secondly, a friend is helping me buy a car (I've been very fortunate not to have to buy a car since coming home being able to borrow them from friends and family when they didn't need spare cars). When I went to buy a 6 pack to say thanks I found my Fullers Organic Honey Dew for sale at The Spotted Cow... if you've been reading this blog I have mentioned my desire to have this beer in Australia.. and I'm a very happy girl tonight.

Other catch up news:

I've started attending a home group regularly which is really good - honest, down to earth, no "fake it till you make it" crap, be who you are and be real - it's refreshing and encouraging
I started my first "from scratch" website yesterday and created a website for my mom which is under construction
I'm heading away for 3 days to ride horses on the coast with my mates
More photos have finally been updated on Flickr
I'm doing really well.

2009-05-15T15:55:00.002+08:00

The trees outside have just started to drop their Autumn leaves the past few days and walking through them tonight whilst walking Jake their melancholy presence matched my mood. It's been a long week.

I had a dinner party on Thursday night in which a conversation cropped up between three of us as to why one participant did not Believe. Simply, it was this: I like the morality of Christianity, the standards of servanthood and generosity are those that I aspire to. I reckon there is something higher out there than us humans, but if there is, and I live my life as good as I can, obey the ten commandments, I reckon it'll be good enough.

Walking in after my walk, pondering on this conversation, the falling leaves and the fact of a farewell party tonight for the said conversant which I won't be attending I heard the following song playing on my iTunes:

Oh the best I have to give is not enough for me to live, that's why I thank you, I thank you for the cross. Bleeding hands have paved the way, it's not enough for me to say, but I thank you, I thank you for the cross.

I pray for my friend, that some day he might know the love and reality of Jesus. The "remarkable, supernatural love" that Napoleon speaks of in the following quote (found within Jesus Among Other Gods page 149 on Google Books:

Yet, in an extraordinarily staggering statement about Jesus Christ, Napoleon said something that is almost unexcelled by any political leader. I quote it at length because of its incredible insight. ... Napoleon expressed these thoughts while he was exiled on the rock of St. Helena. There, the conqueror of civilized Europe had time to reflect on the measure of his accomplishments. He called Count Montholon to his side and asked him, "Can you tell me who Jesus Christ was?" The count declined to respond. Napoleon countered:

QUOTE
Well then, I will tell you. Alexander, Caesar, Charlemagne and I myself have founded great empires; but upon what did these creations of our genius depend? Upon force. Jesus alone founded His empire upon love, and to this very day millions will die for Him.... I think I understand something of human nature; and I tell you, all these were men, and I am a man: none else is like Him; Jesus Christ was more than man.... I have inspired multitudes with such an enthusiastic devotion that they would have died for me.... but to do this it was necessary that I should be visibly present with the electric influence of my looks, my words, of my voice. When I saw men and spoke to them, I lighted up the flame of self-devotion in their hearts.... Christ alone has succeeded in so raising the mind of man toward the unseen, that it becomes insensible to the barriers of time and space. Across a chasm of eighteen hundred years, Jesus Christ makes a demand which is beyond all others to satisfy; He asks for that which a philosopher may seek in vain at the hands of his friends, or a father of his children, or a bride of her spouse, or a man of his brother. He asks for the human heart; He will have it entirely to Himself. He demands it unconditionally; and forthwith His demand is granted. Wonderful! In defiance of time and space, the soul of man, with all its powers and faculties, becomes an annexation to the empire of Christ. All who sincerely believe in Him, experience that remarkable, supernatural love toward Him. This phenomenon is accountable; it is altogether beyond the scope of man's creative powers. Time, the great destroyer, is powerless to extinguish this sacred flame; time can neither exhaust its strength nor put a limit to its range. This is it, which strikes me most; I have often thought of it. This is which proves to me quite convincingly the Divinity of Jesus Christ.

funny that

2009-05-09T08:40:00.003+08:00

After a morning of shopping in preparation for this afternoon's High Tea for 80 ladies I was feeling a bit flat. Turn on my iTunes and the first song "Hang On" the second, which I'm listening to now? "The Treasure of You". Just what I needed to hear...

Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice
That heartsick look in your eyes
You hide it very well, but I've got the same disguise
I know from all you see around you
You feel worth a very small price
So plain and ordinary, but there's a pearl inside

And if you look in the mirror in the light of the truth
You'll see there's really nothing you could say or do
To make you worth more to the One who made you

CHORUS
Your are a treasure
Worth more than anything under the sun or the moon
God's greatest treasure
Is the treasure of you

The rich man treasures gold and silver
The wise man, his knowledge of truth
Some will hold to memories and some will cling to youth
But the one who carved out the oceans
And painted the stars in the sky
You are His prized creation, the apple of His eye
There's no one else in the world who could take your place
Just the thought of you brings a smile to His face
God loves you with amazing grace

Last night at the pub someone correctly said my age of "late 20's" - no longer am I mid-20's, or even early 20's but late 20's, single, have spent way too much money lately and the house is a mess after hardly being at home in recent times (every night out for over a week)... and yet... God treasures little old single me. Funny that. But awfully nice.

Comparison

2009-05-08T15:26:00.004+08:00

I was walking Jake (who is now wearing shoes to combat his grass allergy!) in the park last night when I caught up with a friend who is also a friend of each of my brothers. He made a comment that has got me pondering although I entirely agree with it. His comment was simple, to the effect of "your brothers are all great guys" - which is very true. Each in their own way is talented, humble, generous, handsome, creative, intelligent, interesting, funny... the list goes on and on... and on and on!

In fact, I hear a lot about my brothers. I love them dearly and couldn't ask for better siblings or friends. The truth is, they, and the comments I hear about them, make me want to be a better person.

Sometimes comparison isn't a bad thing.

Comparison can make you see why one item is better than another when shopping. Comparison can give you perspective (for example a relationship where the two people have differing world views compared to one where both people have the same fundamental belief system). Comparison can call you up to a higher standard. Comparison can bring encouragement.

I know that there's many times comparison can be exceedingly bad. I'm not talking about this, and certainly not encouraging the negative aspects of it.

The natural comparison that went off in my head last night wondering what people said to my brothers about me encouraged me to want to be a better person. Thanks guys :)

The current song in my head

2009-05-05T16:19:00.000+08:00

Brother, let me be your servant.
Let me be as Christ to you.
Pray that I might have the grace
To let you be my servant, too.

We are pilgrims on a journey.
We are brothers on the road.
We are here to help each other
Walk the mile and bear the load.

I will hold the Christ-light for you
In the night time of your fear.
I will hold my hand out to you;
Speak the peace you long to hear.

I will weep when you are weeping.
When you laugh, I'll laugh with you.
I will share your joy and sorrow
Till we've seen this journey through.

When we sing to God in heaven,
We shall find such harmony
Born of all we've known together
Of Christ's love and agony.

Brother, let me be your servant.
Let me be as Christ to you.
Pray that I might have the grace
To let you be my servant, too.

Hypocritical

2009-05-05T15:59:00.002+08:00

I've always been pretty set in my standards when it comes to certain things. Non-negotiable standards which "I" in years past would be shocked at "I" today and her questions.

Today, this weekend past, I find myself a hypocrite. I understand why people might let standards slip. I apologise for my judgmental superiority.

The thing is, tomorrow night I'm placing myself in a similar situation, just one that I won't enjoy nearly as much. Some girls from work are bringing some guys along to a regular Trivia Night for the specific purpose of introducing them to "some nice girls" - I being one of them. Mind you, it's my regular Trivia game that they who normally don't go are setting us up at.

Why do I have such an issue? The guys aren't Christians.

Why am I even more introspective about it than normal? Because I know a non-Christian who ticks all the boxes in my "ever could want" list, excepting his belief in Jesus Christ. Knowing him and getting to know him more has brought my awful hypocrisy to a gut wrenching screech. It's not that anything's happening ~ don't get me wrong ~ it's just the realisation that if anything were to start to happen I would have a fight on my hands with that one big un-ticked box.

Second rate but not second best

2009-04-18T10:28:00.003+08:00

Today I bought a replacement camera. After over a year of considering a purchase today I went "Yup - I really do miss taking photos without wondering if my old one (5 years old and treated with less than loving care) would work as I wanted it to"... the interesting, and thus worth blogging about fact is this - instead of purchasing the $600+ model I was thinking of I bought one for $132.

Does it take photos? Yes
Is it the top of the line, just released, whiz bang camera that you can survive being crushed, submerged, dropped and treated like crap? No
Is it the best camera for me? Yes

It may be second (or fifth!) rate in the world of compact digital cameras, but is it second best? No.

I'm hoping to transition this thought into other areas of my life where media hype and consumerism states one thing but the worth is actually very different - as Tim Gunn says "The cost of an article is not the same as it's value"

... mind you - my other purchase this week was a dress reduced from $430 to $50 :)

Lessons of a dog #1: The fear of unconditional love

2009-03-22T16:24:00.002+08:00

I own a dog, or perhaps it would be better to say that a dog is beginning to own me. By way of introduction his name is Jacob (Jake), and named this for the following reasons: as a definition Jacob is a play on the word "heel" and can also mean"he who follows, He's also a mommy's boy and has short hair as like the biblical character. He's a Hungarian Vizsla by breeding and the most gentle and beautiful animal anyone is likely to meet.

With that having been said, I'm a bit freaked out.

You see, he is so lovely. He obeys every word (unless of course he's distracted by his many admirers at the time of the request), and by some instinct knows what is right and how to be good. Never being allowed inside before he understands automatically the mat I've put by the lounge is his to stay on. He comes back from a run in the dog park with his doggy friends whenever asked, plays like a gentleman and above all is amazing with my little niece and nephew.

So why on earth am I freaked?

Because he is so loving and I have always struggled with being loved unless I am doing 110% to make it work. Because if it doesn't work out it will be my fault - he's perfect now - in a month's time if he's not it will be on my head. I couldn't return the love. I'm not responsible enough. I'm too selfish.

Mind you, he's only 10 months old.

I feel a bit messed up this evening after being strong all week - I've been undone by love and am just going to have to learn to go with the flow and ease into this change in lifestyle, instead of 110% earning and getting burnt out. He's going to love me anyway - and if I do stuff up, well, the guilt may just drive me to do better for him ;)

... for I am your servant

2009-03-01T19:04:00.003+08:00

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.
-- Psalm 143:8

I have a daily verse sent to my email and in reading this verse tonight I read the whole of Psalm 143. Reading it this evening brought me great encouragement as it too was/is my cry.

In one of the versions (New American Standard see below) the Psalmist speaks in past tense and it's like he's moving into a new phase - this is what I identify with. He talks of what he has been through, how he has felt, his spirit being overwhelmed. This has been me. And yet, now, and I pray I don't speak ahead of time, I feel like I'm coming out of this dark period. My cry is for God's guidance in the way I should go... but before that and beyond that, my trust is in Him regardless.

I've had an encouragement within me all day, a sense of anticipation that while I've felt it for hourly periods has never lasted a whole day... like something really good is happening, even though I don't know what.

May what I have write be true... I feel I'm coming out of the trenches.

Psalm 143 (New American Standard Bible)

Prayer for Deliverance and Guidance.

¹Hear my prayer, O LORD,
Give ear to my supplications!
Answer me in Your faithfulness, in Your righteousness!
²And do not enter into judgment with Your servant,
For in Your sight no man living is righteous.
³For the enemy has persecuted my soul;
He has crushed my life to the ground;
He has made me dwell in dark places, like those who have long been dead.
⁴Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me;
My heart is appalled within me.
⁵I remember the days of old;
I meditate on all Your doings;
I muse on the work of Your hands.
⁶I stretch out my hands to You;
My soul longs for You, as a parched land. Selah.
⁷Answer me quickly, O LORD, my spirit fails;
Do not hide Your face from me,
Or I will become like those who go down to the pit.
⁸Let me hear Your lovingkindness in the morning;
For I trust in You;
Teach me the way in which I should walk;
For to You I lift up my soul.
⁹Deliver me, O LORD, from my enemies;
I take refuge in You.
¹⁰Teach me to do Your will,
For You are my God;
Let Your good Spirit lead me on level ground.
¹¹For the sake of Your name, O LORD, revive me
In Your righteousness bring my soul out of trouble.
¹²And in Your lovingkindness, cut off my enemies
And destroy all those who afflict my soul,
For I am Your servant.

Chaos Encompassed

2009-03-01T09:58:00.004+08:00

When we're blindsided by something we're unprepared for, the chaos that ensues is encompassed

When we're all a flutter and not sure what's up and what's down, the chaos within is encompassed

When answers are begging and questions abound, the chaos resulting is encompassed

When we're unsure

When we're hurting

When we're excited

When we're anxious

When we're apprehensive

When we've got butterflys

When we're overwhelmed

When we're tired

When we don't know what someone else is thinking or feeling

When we're human... the mess, the chaos, WE......... are encompassed.

This necklace was a birthday gift from my parents and it reminds me of all the above. We are encompassed fully by God. He understands, He is our Rock and our help, He has the answers, he knows the future... and what does that mean to me? It means I can be myself. I can relax knowing at the end of the day, He's got it all covered.

There's so much more that I feel like writing, and that will come in the next day or two, but for now, wherever you are, be at peace knowing that God has it all encompassed.

Bedtime thoughts

2009-02-10T16:51:00.002+08:00

I took a sleeping tablet an hour ago and as it hasn't kicked in yet I thought I'd get rid of some of the remaining adrenaline running through my system with some reflective thoughts on the past weeks and days.

I don't ever think I've worked as hard as I have, especially in the past 5 days. Running around organising things on ground level in 40+ degree heat for 3 days, liaising with schools from around Australia, Principals, Students, members of Parliament, Security Agents, constant questions from delegates, no time to eat a full meal etc. etc. Long hours, not sleeping that well and stressful situations with last minute changes involving huge transportation and venue logistics. It was massive. And I am thankful.

I'm thankful for a few reasons, and I'd love to outline just a few:

Yesterday, we had a schedule change to enable the Conference to attend the Motions of Condolence for the Victorian Bushfire Victims and Queensland Floods. This was, in many people's opinion, one of the most important moments in Australia's history for many years.

Parliamentarians from around Australia standing with Australians, stating we are hurting but we are proud and we are strong. We WILL help those in need. We WILL do what we can to support those who will struggle for many years to come.

I sat outside this session in Parliament House wishing I could be there to join in, to participate, to mourn and a thought came to me "You may not be able to be there yourself, but you've facilitated 275 people to be in an event that they will never forget. In times of tragedy, personal and corporate, they will look back and remember the strength and compassion of their nation from this day. It's ok you're not there yourself" Too right. Thank God it all came together. Thank God these students and teachers, some from Victoria who don't know what they're going back to at home were able to join with Leaders from around Australia, and hear the grief of a nation, and know that they are not alone.

I am thankful for the testimonies of students in how the Conference impacted and encouraged them.

I am thankful for dancing and having fun at the Bush Dance on Sunday night and the wonderful people that I danced with!

I am thankful for amazing speakers who have challenged me - although I wasn't able to listen to many sessions, I was impacted by their lives and want to live the fullness of my humanity.

I am thankful for personal compliments that I recieved - (who ever thought that the word "inflappable" would ever be said in reference to me!) the prayers of support and the strength given by friends.

I was thankful for God giving me a song to sing whenever I think of someone I met. No, there isn't any goss implied in that statement, just a hope and a conviction in the love of my God for whatever may come, with whomever.

I'm exhausted. I am thankful.

Good night.

I'm Back

2009-02-07T12:49:00.002+08:00

After an amazing holiday I've been back at work and am now in a conference in Canberra that I've been preparing for a long time.

Life is really, really good and my holiday refreshed me in ways that I'd forgotten about. Considering that work is pretty much all encompassing at the moment I'm looking forward to a bit more down time after the conference to elaborate on some of these things.

I hope you're doing well, wherever you are, and whatever you're doing.

Holidays! - and contact note

2008-12-15T12:59:00.004+08:00

Technically I finished work on Friday at 4:10pm , in reality I finished at 12:35pm today trying to tie up some loose ends. Thankfully though I don't have to think about work for the next 3 weeks as I'M ON HOLIDAY!

My first hours of holiday has been jam packed with all those little (and big) things that need to be done before one heads away. It's been great and I'm glad that most of them are now done

I'm stoked to be spending Christmas with Steve before he leaves to live in Canada ~ I'm also really looking forward to a week of no contact down on a remote lake... no internet, no mobile, no nothing... I wonder if I'll survive this technology dearth?

For those who know my mobile number, please be aware that I won't be answering this until 2009 - I'll be in New Zealand from Wednesday until early January and I don't have international roaming. If anything's urgent email me or leave a message on this blog, if you really need to phone email me and I'll try to ring you from Skype or someone else's phone.

Oh.. and if you're waiting on an email reply from me thanks for your patience... I currently I have 248 unread emails and hope to tackle some of that pile tomorrow.

A Pub and A Car - what more could a girl want?

2008-12-13T07:58:00.005+08:00

I went to a country pub last night with some mates from work and their husbands - the kind of pub that as you wait in the parking lot for a car you recognise you see a bloke get out of the passenger seat of a holden commodore holding a stubby of VB in one hand and getting a kid out of the back seat with the other... The kind where you state your preference in beer and someone asks "what's a stella?" - thankfully Andrew (Michelle's husband) knew what I was after and was able to get me something similar ... It was a really fun night and I enjoyed letting my hair down with some mates who were courteous enough to walk me to my car and take note of the little things to not make me feel left out as the only single in a group of couples - to have a great night like I did in this situation really speaks loudly of the people I was with.

now... on to the car! I want to buy a car. Having the Magna whilst my parents have been out of the country has made me realise that I just can't go back to the old Camry... so I've been looking and reading and I think I know what I want :) I'm really enjoying driving and would rather like to continue the experience

While a Mini Cooper is fun (and possible - there's a very cute one at a dealership now)... I think I want a Subaru WRX (Ironically my brother just sold his :() all wheel drive, a wee bit of grunt, stunning as all get out and a whole lot of fun to drive. And what, with petrol under 90c a liter I think I may just do it when I get back from NZ! Why not have a wee bit of fun like this as my policeman friend (again, Michelle's husband) said to me last night at the pub - when you're young and don't have to have a certain type of car to suit your family life now's the time to do it.

It's all part of letting my hair down - and liking who God has made me
I'm really enjoying the freedom thing

They're just books... right?

2008-12-08T15:09:00.003+08:00

Everything is permissible for me"—but not everything is beneficial.

Accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgment on disputable matters. One man's faith allows him to eat everything, but another man, whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables.

I've been AWOL for a while - stressed - pressured - needing release. Enjoying being by myself while I'm not at work - recovering, doing what I want, relishing in the joy of being happy to be alone and loving the freedom that is ours. (like going to Billy Joel and letting my hair down)

Last night and this morning though I realised the truth of the two scriptures above. I have a weakness in areas of my life that should not be fed or condoned, especially while stressed and tired. Two such weaknesses were fed a great deal with a series of 4 books that I picked up and read in less than a week - finishing at 11:50pm last night... I literally could not put them down.

In retrospect though... all things were not beneficial.

All "Danger Will Robinson, Danger!" signs went out the window as I relished in the story. As I lived the story.

For one, the books were written in the first person from a female's perspective, and they were first and foremost a romance - every kiss she had, every thought that went through her mind, every experience in her life, every desire and dream, every word that was spoken was as if experienced by me - I haven't read a book or books as the case may be that affected me like this - to the extent that after I turned the final page all night I couldn't sleep tossing and turning, reliving the events as if they had happened to me - reality was skewed - the voices in my head not my own but the characters that I'd heard while reading. I gave up at 3am took half a sleeping pill and phoned my folks in NZ only to wake up again at 5:30.. sigh... The book wasn't graphic - but hey.. let's be honest - we all have an imagination and mine ran far away from reality.

For two - The stories were great - I love a good action/romance and I really relished being able to read something a little more "angsty relationship wise" for the first time in well... a LONG time. They were however a wee bit dark being about vampires and the heroine desiring to become one as her relationship with her vampire boyfriend/fiance/husband progresses - there were parts that I identified with and perhaps the story was just too involving for me - too inviting.

For three - I have a dark side - while at school I was toyed with the idea of wicca and am attracted to the supernatural stories of Feist, Eddings, Jordan, Paolini, Rowling and while not so overt (but hugely loved) Tolkien & Lewis. There's a great fascination in these stories for me and I know to keep from reading them back to back as I tend to get lost in the story.

For four - I wanted to get lost - I wanted to forget - I wanted to forget about life for a while and be entertained

For five - well... I guess you get the picture by now.

You may also be wondering why on earth I'm writing this or being so personal about it - for goodness sakes it was just a book - PG in terms of graphic descriptions compared to what can be found out there - it's for teenagers! Yes - I am older than a teenager, but I also have weaknesses, fault lines, temptations that perhaps make this alright for a teenager to read but not me. More inviting than actually going out and getting in a relationship - why not just pretend - why not get lost in something that is fantasy, because it sure is a whole lot more fun then I've been. I'm a Christian, I love Jesus, but what if... what if I was in her place?

Why not? Because sometimes things just aren't that good for you. Yeah - you're just reading a book that's just a fairytale - but things like this can have teeth (excuse the pun) that can affect you more than you anticipated.

I'm writing this because I'm not alone. We all have weaknesses and we all have strengths - and we need to be honest with ourselves and each other as to what they are.

Sitting in Not for Sale Seats

2008-12-07T09:45:00.002+08:00

Last night was un-freaking-believable!

One of my favorite musicians for a very long time has been Billy Joel - thanks to my brother, Andrew for introducing me to his songs at an early age, I became a fan firstly because he was and then because I actully really liked the music.

When I saw that Billy Joel would be in Brisbane I was so excited to go, and two of my friends from work wanted to get Gold seats so I joined in and paid the bit extra... how needless! As we were walking in the doors this guy approached us asking if we wanted front row seats (we were originally in the stands) thinking he was a scalper we politely said no until he convinced us he was with the crew and Billy apparently likes to save some seats right at the front for a little... how did he say it "eye candy"... While I've never thought of myself like that before, and I'm still not to sure about the morality of the whole thing far be it from me to turn down FRONT ROW SEATS!

Pictures coming soon - I forgot my camera so we're getting pictures from the other girls who were "chosen"...

some funny stories from the night?

I realised how innocent I was and SO not a groupie when the girl two seats down from me had her breast exposed and Sam had to stop me from mentioning it to her!
One of the guitarists was close to the girl in terms of dress sense considering what we could see of him :(
I managed to keep my hands off Mr Joel... but I can't say the same for my friends!
Best song of the night - We didn't start the fire - we were all up at the stage by that time (the signal was given that we could get up from our seats at River of Dreams) and had a hillarious time dancing away

Feeling very very brazen and not at all myself I sign off after my first every rock and roll concert with the following thoughts

I got one of the guitar picks from the evening which was really cool...
Considering we never would have got the seats if we'd been with any partners for once I relished in being single :D

overwhelmed, exhausted and mentally drained

2008-11-22T07:41:00.001+08:00

don't expect anything out of me for at least until the end of the school term in a week's time

Jetlagged but thankful thoughts...

2008-11-09T17:55:00.003+08:00

I said to my brother Jonno that I was shattered when speaking to him this afternoon and his comment was "why? you've only traveled 3,000km!" ... actually, it's over 8,000km in under 48 hours so I guess I have reason if this blog isn't exactly.. well... entirely making sense as much as I'd want it to.

I can't say how pleased I am that I made the trip this weekend to Auckland. My time with my Nan was incredibly special. A precious time where she shared stories of her childhood, my father growing up, and perhaps the most personally special... she remembered me. Nan had a really good day and I'm so thankful for that.

Other highlights of the trip were spending time with Steve, meeting all his friends (I was so vicariously popular! "Steve's sister! - Steve's sister is here!!!". I think some of the greatest things that can happen when you meet friends of someone that means so much to you is a) they are warm and welcoming b) you have fun with them too c) you think that they're great people and are stoked that they have such great friends and d) they can't say enough good things about that person!

Spending time with Brenda and David was great too and I'm looking forward to spending more when I get there in Christmas.

It was great too seeing mom and dad, and being picked up at the airport by Mom in Brenda's Z3 BMW :) - I do want one of those!

Looking forward to Christmas in NZ...

There's so much more that I wanted to write in this, but I think that will come when I'm less exhausted.

Flying away... litterally!

2008-11-07T14:39:00.002+08:00

My favourite character ever penned was that of a hobbit, and at the moment I feel very hobbitish… As Gandalf says, "You can learn all that there is to know about [hobbits’] ways in a month, and yet after a hundred years they can still surprise you at a pinch" – read in context that sentence describes me at this point.

I’m having one of those surprise you at a pinch moments… you see… I’m sitting in the Airport Lounge about to get on a plane to NZ after a call this morning (before my first cup of tea no less!) to say that the family in NZ had been told to “prepare” the relatives for my Nan passing away.

My Nan (who is the only one that calls me Beth) has been asking every time we talk “when are you coming to see me”, and I’ve never been able to make it – or never thought I could, so I planned to be there for Christmas. Now, knowing that there may not be too many days left, I’ve realised how easy it is just to pick up and be somewhere if you feel you need to be.

I’m incredibly blessed by my boss who released me to leave work early and encouraged me to “get on the next available flight” instead of leaving tomorrow.

No idea what lies ahead (hopefully a safe landing!) but I know that making this effort is right. In any case, I get to see my brother before Christmas and I've also got a party lined up for tomorrow night with his mates - Thanks Steve :)

Blogging by Mail Mystery: Solved :)

2008-11-05T15:08:00.003+08:00

I got a very odd package from Hawaii today... funny thing is, I don't know anyone in Hawaii and my Blogging by Mail person is from Minnesota... no note inside... just three scrabble pendants and a necklace! nothing else :-O

Have just solved the mystery though thanks the the comment left on my last blog! THANK YOU Ms. Satsuki Rebel for your lovely gifts and I'm SO sorry that the items you bought got rejected by our Customs over here!

... and yes, slightly behind on the blogging... suffice it to say: Busy.

Thread Counts and Convicting Coffee Club Chats

2008-10-30T18:48:00.002+08:00

I had a very interesting afternoon following work today.

To begin with I was late to meet up with a friend who works as a PA within another school here in town. Our schools have often had what can be termed a "friendly" rivalry. It's great to beat them in things, and because we are focused at a similar target audience it can be a bit competitive. This afternoon though I was really convicted by the fact that both our schools exist to glorify God in and through our students. We should be helping each other. We should be encouraging each other. Rejoicing in each others successes and supporting through the trials.

A thought to consider and act upon.

I then went grocery shopping and got sidetracked (note to self: in future buy groceries afterwards or at least don't by heavy items if any possibility of being distracted on way to car) by a sale at a linen store. I have needed a new quilt set for a very long time - I either choose my pre-twenties days sets (including quilt that is horridly moulting feathers) or just sheets (which leads to the unfortunate current circumstance of adding sleeping bags when I get cold. Anyway, I finally found a set that I really liked and then went to another shop (Myer) for an even more fabulous sale where I got the quilt cover and two funky pillows of the same set all for less than the price of the original quilt price (gotta love 50% off)... it's white with texture in the shape of leaves - sounds odd but simply elegant and stunning... best thing is that I'll be able to decorate it nicely with throws etc.. anyway all of this to say:

Single people are deprived!

I've always been of the opinion that while you're single you should stick to a single bed because then you don't get used to the space of a bigger bed that you don't have to share and get a rude shock when you do share it! unless of course you just go with a double and then when married move up to a king :)

AGAIN I WANDER... single people are deprived because luxury thread count sheets don't come in single bed sizes :(

Top Show

2008-10-27T17:09:00.002+08:00

I've become a fan of Top Gear Australia and nearly fell off my chair laughing during the current episode where they took a tractor in to the heart of Melbourne to show SUVs how it felt to be smaller and more manageable than some beefy vehicle that you feel like screaming at.. what made it hilarious was when parallel parking they crushed a Saab behind it... classic viewing.

If you live in Aussie land I highly encourage your viewing, even if you're not a motor head (I certainly am not).

A Satisfying Weekend

2008-10-26T17:03:00.003+08:00

This weekend I have dug up a tree, killed numerous bugs, saved some worms from being eaten by fish and may have planted some herbs only to die...

That's right - I've planted a herb garden

I have no idea though after doing so how on earth vegetarians can have clear consciouses - the amount of bugs that die in creating those gardens. I feel like a murder knowing that my spade work killed many such bugs as shown.

After planning a herb garden for years it is very satisfying to have completed this endeavor, however scared I am that I'll soon kill off this weekend's hard work.

Lucky Timing

2008-10-22T15:42:00.003+08:00

Due to a mistake on behalf of lastminute.com.au I haven't been able to use my credit/debit account since Saturday evening. To cut a long story short they billed me twice for my tickets to NZ and I'm $1400 out of pocket until it can be reversed tomorrow...

I was craving a green chicken curry this evening and realised that I had no rice! (something unheard of in my house) Considering I'd spent all my loose change on other incidentals I was going to have to forgo my dinner dish for something less dishy... until I remembered! I hadn't cashed in a $7 instant win :)

So up I walked to the store and purchased not only some rice, but some milk with coins to spare!

The smell of dinner cooking is delightful and whilst I've been horribly inconvenienced, making do and pinching pennies (when I know the situation isn't long term) has been an adventure which I've rather enjoyed.

She was right

2008-10-20T15:30:00.003+08:00

My best friend said just last week that she always knew when something quite specific happened because I'd be down afterwards... I laughed at the time thinking "that's not true!"... but it is.

This specific something happened this past weekend and again I'm doing the whole cognitive therapy again... picking myself up and challenging those thoughts that come to mind. constantly.

Miss Morissette speaks so much truth, encapsulating my current emotions not only in Simple Together but here in the lyrics to You Learn:

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn

I pray I'm learning.